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40 Best Funny Quotes, Humorous Sayings And Quotations About Sex, Love, Marriage

Updated on April 3, 2012

Here we have 40 of the best funny quotes, humorous sayings and quotations about sex, love and marriage - but not in that order!

If you are game for a laugh and enjoy a humour that leans more on the cynical side, then this article is for you!

Let me lead you into the worldly wise of the likes of Groucho Marx, Lord Byron and Oscar Wilde....

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                       Does it go together?  Love, Sex and Marriage.

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More Funny And Humorous Love Quotes

  • 'Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who’ll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness?  It means you’re in the wrong house, that’s what it means.'  Quoted From George Burns
  • 'There is no reciprocity.  Men love women, women love children, children love hamsters.'   Alice Thomas Ellis Quote

Best Funny And Humorous Love Quotations

There you are with the thoughts of the man or woman of your dreams. Tender in the throws of love, it's excitement and energy. So, let me put the spanner in the love works ...

  • 'To fall in love you have to be in the state of mind for it to take, like a disease'. Nancy Mitford Quote

Yes, it was that first kiss, within the darkness of the hallway. It was cold, but the warmth of love brought forth the blush of the rush...

  • 'Many a man has fallen in love with a girl in a light so dim he would not have chosen a suit by it.' Quote by Maurice Chevalier.

You can't get them out of your head. You think of the moment and dream of what might be...

  • 'Love is what happens to a man and woman who don’t know each other.' Quote by W. Somerset Maugham

Which is just as well, or we would never get together, would we?

  • 'If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question?' Lily Tomlin Quote.

This feeling is overwhelming. You need to be with this new love - it is driving you insane! You pray...

  • 'Religion has done love a great service by making it a sin.' Quoted by Anatole France

And it is this quote by Ambrose Bierce that reminds us of Love's definition ...

  • 'Love: a temporary insanity curable by marriage.'

But this new love is pure - well so you think - but before you know it and before you can ask, there is an answer ...

  • 'Where does the family start? It starts with a young man falling in love with a girl – no superior alternative has yet been found.' Winston Churchill Quote.

And this one is for the cynics - of course Oscar Wilde would know!

  • 'A man can be happy with any woman as long as he does not love her.' Oscar Wilde from The Pictures of Dorian Gray, 1891

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More Funny Sex Quotes To Titter Your Fancy!

  • 'Parents: people who use the rhythm method of birth control.' May Flink Quote

  • 'In Spain, lust is in the air. There is nothing clandestine about the Spanish appreciation of sex, nothing inhibited or restrained. That is why there are very few sexual crimes in Spain.' Quoted from Fernand Diaz-Plajo

  • 'As to marriage or celibacy, let a man take which course he will. He will be sure to repent.' Socrates Quote

  • 'There’s nothing wrong with pregnancy. Half the people wouldn’t be here today if it wasn’t for women being pregnant.' Quote from Sarah Kennedy

  • 'I wasn’t kissing her, I was just whispering in her mouth.' Chico Marx Quotation

  • 'I’ve been around so long, I knew Doris Day before she was a virgin.' Groucho Marx Quote

Best Humorous Quotes And Sayings - Sex

You are now in love, with someone you barely know and in a half light, at that! You are ready, hormones raging, and willing...

  • 'Nobody in their right mind would call me a nymphomaniac. I only sleep with good-looking men.' Fiona Pitt-Kethley Quote

It seems that after the first time, you just can't get enough. It is a novelty that just doesn't seem to get satisfied. Be warned...

  • 'It is true from early habit, one must make love mechanically as one swims. I was once very fond of both, but now as I never swim unless I tumble into the water, I don’t make love til almost obliged.' Quote byLord Byron

... that could happen to you! Unless you are a bit kinky between the sheets...

  • 'I’m all for bringing back the birch, but only between consenting adults.' Gore Vidal

The thing is that sex is great, but what do you do for the next 23 hours 59 minutes and 32 seconds?

  • 'Sex is the thing that takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.' John Barrymore Quote.

And what if the love of your life is not around when you need them?

  • 'The good thing about masturbation is that you don’t have to dress up for it.' Truman Capote

Well dressing up, no.. but what about dressing down? There is also the moral high ground we need to look at on these issues...

  • 'The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs less.' Brendan Francis.

And there are times... well there are times!

  • 'It’s hard for me to get used to these changing times. I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.' Quoted From George Burns.

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More Quotes On Marriage

  • 'Husbands: A small band of men, armed only with wallets, besieged by a horde of wives and children'. National Lampoon Quote 1979
  • 'She was just a passing fiancée.' Quote by Alfred McFote
  • 'Marriage has driven more than one man to sex.' Peter de Vries Quote
  • 'The three most important events of human life are equally devoid of reason: birth, marriage and death'. Austin O’Malley Quote
  • 'Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.'  Groucho Marx Quotation
  • 'Behind every successful man stands a surprised mother-in-law.'  Quote by Hubert Humphrey
  • 'Getting divorced just because you don’t love a man is almost as silly as getting married just because you do.' Quoted by Zsa Zsa Gabor
  • 'If we take matrimony at its lowest, we regard it as a sort of friendship recognized by the police'. Robert Louis Stevenson Quote
  • 'Men have a much better time of it than women; for one thing they marry later; for another thing they die earlier'. H.L. Mencken Quote.
  • 'I’m afraid I was very much a traditionalist. I went down on one knee and dictated a proposal which my secretary faxed over straight away.' Quoted From Stephen Fry and Hugh Laurie.
  • 'I haven’t spoken to my wife in years – I didn’t want to interrupt her.'  Rodney Dangerfield Quote
  • 'Marriage is always popular because it combines the maximum of temptation with the maximum of opportunity'. Quotation From George Bernard Shaw.
  • 'Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other never forgets them.'  Ogden Nash Quotation

Best Funny and Humorous Quotes and Sayings - The Institute Of Marriage

The institute of marriage has been something that many jump into, whilst others avoid. But what is the secret to a successful one?

  • 'Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.' Henny Youngman Quote

Oh, so a long marriage means one that you don't spend much time together. I heard that Mozart was happily wed and he spent time with his wife...

  • 'Ah Mozart! He was happily married – but his wife wasn’t.' Victor Borge Quote

Umm... it is enough to drive a person to another, isn't it?

  • 'Adultery is the application of democracy to love.' H.L. Mencken Quote in 1920

  • 'Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.' Quotation From Oscar Wilde.

However, we don't want a sad ending to something that starts out with so much hope, do we? When a woman is not satisifed with their relationship, there is ALWAYS SHOPPING! Yipppeeee!

  • 'Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything else.' Jean Kerr Quote

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40 Best Quotes To Make You Laugh And More!

This ends my 40 of the best funny quotes, humorous sayings and quotations on sex, love and marriage - I hope you liked them.  Of course, there are other quotations that I have produced, as you can see in the links above.  I will be delighted to see you again!

© This work is covered under Creative Commons License

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    • profile image

      kim pelion 

      6 years ago

      this staff is wowest

    • shazwellyn profile imageAUTHOR


      6 years ago from Great Britain

      Bless you Zainnisar :)

    • Zainnisar profile image


      6 years ago from Little Island, Heart.

      A loving heart is the beginning of all knowledge.

      Thomas Carlyle.

      Nice Work Shazwellyn, it is really a good collection lovable thoughts, "Bonne chance".

    • shazwellyn profile imageAUTHOR


      7 years ago from Great Britain

      Lol tsmog - glad the tittle made you giggle! x

    • tsmog profile image

      Tim Mitchell 

      7 years ago from Escondido, CA

      A fun read, yet the comments added so much I had to re-read the hub , , ,(giggling and smiling)

    • MichelleMantel profile image


      7 years ago from Bloomington, IL

      This is so cute and much of it is very true too:)

    • shazwellyn profile imageAUTHOR


      7 years ago from Great Britain

      moonlake - thank you :)

    • moonlake profile image


      7 years ago from America

      Funny quotes enjoyed your hub.

    • shazwellyn profile imageAUTHOR


      7 years ago from Great Britain

      KoffeeKlatch Gals - feel the joy and love the moment!

    • KoffeeKlatch Gals profile image

      Susan Hazelton 

      7 years ago from Sunny Florida

      Very funny. I especially love the way you set up each quote. The quotes were funny they kept me laughing.

    • shazwellyn profile imageAUTHOR


      7 years ago from Great Britain

      Bless you K9 :)

    • K9keystrokes profile image

      India Arnold 

      7 years ago from Northern, California

      Shaz You always find the best stuff to write! I found many laughs within your work here. Always a joy to be a fan.


    • miss_jkim profile image


      7 years ago

      Good ones. A very enjoyable read.

    • shazwellyn profile imageAUTHOR


      8 years ago from Great Britain

      FCEtier - that was funny! Thanks for your contribution :)

    • FCEtier profile image


      8 years ago from Cold Mountain

      Lewis Grizzard said after his seventh divorce, "Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I can't stand and buy her a house."

      Fun article!

    • shazwellyn profile imageAUTHOR


      8 years ago from Great Britain

      Pull the other one Lady_E - it has bells on!!! hehehe

    • Lady_E profile image


      8 years ago from London, UK

      Nice and Funny Quotes. They should put them in Xmas Crackers.

      Best Wishes. :)

    • shazwellyn profile imageAUTHOR


      8 years ago from Great Britain

      @WE5 - Hoping it doesn't show my cynical side too much! lol

      @Katiem2 - Some stuff is good enough to be repeated! Some of these great people have a great warped sense of humour - says a lot for me! hehehe

    • shazwellyn profile imageAUTHOR


      8 years ago from Great Britain

      TammyL - thanks for these funny additions! :)

    • shazwellyn profile imageAUTHOR


      8 years ago from Great Britain

      AlternativePrime - Yes, some sound advice here. Unfortunately it is no longer a secret! I wondered where I was going wrong!!! lol

    • shazwellyn profile imageAUTHOR


      8 years ago from Great Britain

      Happyboomernurse - what's clean sex anyway? hehehe *wink*

    • katiem2 profile image


      8 years ago from I'm outta here

      Awesome, I'm loving all these great quotes and funny sayings about sex,love and marriage. This is a wonderful resource I'm def book marking and rating up. Peace and Love :)

    • WE5 profile image


      8 years ago

      These were hilarious! I'm so glad you thought to write this collection down. thanks!

    • Tammy L profile image

      Tammy L 

      8 years ago from Jacksonville, Texas

      Funny quotes. Here's two more for you if you don't have them already...

      Groucho Marx to a female contestant on "You Bet Your Life" when he hears how many children she has, "You know, I like this cigar, but I do take it out every once in a while."

      Martin Milner as Pete Malloy on Adam-12, "Married men don't live longer. It just seems longer."

    • Alternative Prime profile image

      Alternative Prime 

      8 years ago from > California

      'Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.' Henny Youngman Quote

      How can you not love that one...

      Great compilation of memorable quotes, I'm still laughing...THX for putting it all together in such an imaginative way.


    • Happyboomernurse profile image

      Gail Sobotkin 

      8 years ago from South Carolina

      Hi Shazwellyn,

      I love the humorous way you set these quotes up. My favorite was the George Burns quote, "I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty."

      Thanks for giving me several good chuckles for the day.


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