ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel
  • »
  • Books, Literature, and Writing»
  • Commercial & Creative Writing»
  • Creative Writing»
  • Humor Writing

5 Signs You're Vladimir Putin

Updated on August 4, 2011

Whether you love or hate Vladimir Putin, you've got to admit the man is captivating. Every major leader has their trademarks, and Vladya -- or Vladíčko, as I like to call him -- is no exception. Some call him soulful, some say he's soulless; I say neither matters when you're the slickest world leader around. Not to mention the sexiest.

Yes, ok, Obama is sexy in a calm, cool and collected sort of way; but Vladíček's got that classic bad boy thing going on, and he's just as clever. Seriously, if Vlado had gone to Hogwarts, he'd have been Top of the Slytherin class, whereas Bush would have been that kid from Gryffindor whose spells were always blowing up in his face. But enough of that. Let's get on with it: 5 Signs You're Vladimir Putin.

1. You're Too Sexy for Your Shirt

Russians went mad for their macho man when half-nekkid photos of him were published around the world -- and so did every other media source, for that matter. Whether it's fishing or saving a television crew from Siberian Tigers, Vladíčko does it like someone out of an Old Spice commercial. Look at that smile. He's knows he's da man.

Vladimir Putin Judo Vid

2. The French President Is Afraid of You.

To be fair, the French President is probably afraid of every world leader, his shadow and a few girls. And Putin does look rather skilled in these Judo clips. I wouldn't mind a few private lessons. Vladíčko can throw me around any time he wants to, provided he schools me on a soft surface. Preferably one that's king-sized and has satin sheets. (Sorry, sex columnist in me coming out a bit there.)

3. You'd Make an Excellent Bond Villain.

And you wouldn't even have to pretend. Come on, you know you'd love to see Putin in a Bond film. He could do that famous stare of his, invade and destabilize a few EU hopefuls, send a few European countries into a deep freeze and call it a day. (Just kidding Vladíčko -- I know you're going to turn the gas back on soon. Right? Right??) By the way, if you think he picked that stare up at the KGB, Vlado had that look going on as a teenager. I wouldn't be surprised if he first started using it in the cradle. Ironically, in this photo he looks like he could be Daniel Craig's long lost brother. Hollywood screenwriters, are you paying attention?

4. Women Want to Shag You

You are the ultimate bad-boy. Despite frequently being referred to as the anti-christ (nearly as often as Bush) women around the world still want to shag you silly. And before the lot of you go thinking it's only to do with being labeled an arrogant dictator, let me just remind you that no one is lusting after Bush. Except maybe Laura, and we all know she's going to be fast-tracked to sainthood for standing by her man as it is.

5. Wikipedia Credits You with an Entire Political System.

Putinism has its own page. It does, go look it up. Go on, I'll wait.... See? I told you. If you bothered to read it you'd find that most of it isn't so flattering, and my Vladíčko is kind of given the thug slant. To be fair, some people think it's all of load of tosh, and there's no such thing as Putinism, but rather a mild case of authoritarianism. Still, it's a pretty impressive achievement when your last name + 'ism' represents the political structure of a world power. Stark, stark contrast to Bush + "ism" which represents an amassed collection of stupidities uttered by a different world leader.

Comments

Submit a Comment

No comments yet.

working

This website uses cookies

As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, hubpages.com uses cookies (and other similar technologies) and may collect, process, and share personal data. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.

For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at: "https://hubpages.com/privacy-policy#gdpr"

Show Details
Necessary
HubPages Device IDThis is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons.
LoginThis is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service.
Google RecaptchaThis is used to prevent bots and spam. (Privacy Policy)
AkismetThis is used to detect comment spam. (Privacy Policy)
HubPages Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide data on traffic to our website, all personally identifyable data is anonymized. (Privacy Policy)
HubPages Traffic PixelThis is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized.
Amazon Web ServicesThis is a cloud services platform that we used to host our service. (Privacy Policy)
CloudflareThis is a cloud CDN service that we use to efficiently deliver files required for our service to operate such as javascript, cascading style sheets, images, and videos. (Privacy Policy)
Google Hosted LibrariesJavascript software libraries such as jQuery are loaded at endpoints on the googleapis.com or gstatic.com domains, for performance and efficiency reasons. (Privacy Policy)
Features
Google Custom SearchThis is feature allows you to search the site. (Privacy Policy)
Google MapsSome articles have Google Maps embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
Google ChartsThis is used to display charts and graphs on articles and the author center. (Privacy Policy)
Google AdSense Host APIThis service allows you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can earn money from ads on your articles. No data is shared unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
Google YouTubeSome articles have YouTube videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
VimeoSome articles have Vimeo videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
PaypalThis is used for a registered author who enrolls in the HubPages Earnings program and requests to be paid via PayPal. No data is shared with Paypal unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
Facebook LoginYou can use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to your Hubpages account. No data is shared with Facebook unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
MavenThis supports the Maven widget and search functionality. (Privacy Policy)
Marketing
Google AdSenseThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Google DoubleClickGoogle provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Index ExchangeThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
SovrnThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Facebook AdsThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Amazon Unified Ad MarketplaceThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
AppNexusThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
OpenxThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Rubicon ProjectThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
TripleLiftThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Say MediaWe partner with Say Media to deliver ad campaigns on our sites. (Privacy Policy)
Remarketing PixelsWe may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites.
Conversion Tracking PixelsWe may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service.
Statistics
Author Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy)
ComscoreComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy)
Amazon Tracking PixelSome articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy)