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5 Signs You're Vladimir Putin

Updated on November 2, 2022

Whether you love or hate Vladimir Putin, you've got to admit the man is captivating. Every major leader has their trademarks, and Vladya -- or Vladíčko, as I like to call him -- is no exception. Some call him soulful, some say he's soulless; I say neither matters when you're the slickest world leader around. Not to mention the sexiest.

Yes, ok, Obama is sexy in a calm, cool and collected sort of way; but Vladíček's got that classic bad boy thing going on, and he's just as clever. Seriously, if Vlado had gone to Hogwarts, he'd have been Top of the Slytherin class, whereas Bush would have been that kid from Gryffindor whose spells were always blowing up in his face. But enough of that. Let's get on with it: 5 Signs You're Vladimir Putin.

1. You're Too Sexy for Your Shirt

Russians went mad for their macho man when half-nekkid photos of him were published around the world -- and so did every other media source, for that matter. Whether it's fishing or saving a television crew from Siberian Tigers, Vladíčko does it like someone out of an Old Spice commercial. Look at that smile. He's knows he's da man.

Vladimir Putin Judo Vid

2. The French President Is Afraid of You.

To be fair, the French President is probably afraid of every world leader, his shadow and a few girls. And Putin does look rather skilled in these Judo clips. I wouldn't mind a few private lessons. Vladíčko can throw me around any time he wants to, provided he schools me on a soft surface. Preferably one that's king-sized and has satin sheets. (Sorry, sex columnist in me coming out a bit there.)

3. You'd Make an Excellent Bond Villain.

And you wouldn't even have to pretend. Come on, you know you'd love to see Putin in a Bond film. He could do that famous stare of his, invade and destabilize a few EU hopefuls, send a few European countries into a deep freeze and call it a day. (Just kidding Vladíčko -- I know you're going to turn the gas back on soon. Right? Right??) By the way, if you think he picked that stare up at the KGB, Vlado had that look going on as a teenager. I wouldn't be surprised if he first started using it in the cradle. Ironically, in this photo he looks like he could be Daniel Craig's long lost brother. Hollywood screenwriters, are you paying attention?

4. Women Want to Shag You

You are the ultimate bad-boy. Despite frequently being referred to as the anti-christ (nearly as often as Bush) women around the world still want to shag you silly. And before the lot of you go thinking it's only to do with being labeled an arrogant dictator, let me just remind you that no one is lusting after Bush. Except maybe Laura, and we all know she's going to be fast-tracked to sainthood for standing by her man as it is.

5. Wikipedia Credits You with an Entire Political System.

Putinism has its own page. It does, go look it up. Go on, I'll wait.... See? I told you. If you bothered to read it you'd find that most of it isn't so flattering, and my Vladíčko is kind of given the thug slant. To be fair, some people think it's all of load of tosh, and there's no such thing as Putinism, but rather a mild case of authoritarianism. Still, it's a pretty impressive achievement when your last name + 'ism' represents the political structure of a world power. Stark, stark contrast to Bush + "ism" which represents an amassed collection of stupidities uttered by a different world leader.


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