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5 Ways to Avoid the Death Penalty
Life is Short...Don't Make it Shorter?
Informative webpages always roll in lists: something like 5 ways to make a pinwheel sandwich, or 10 different tourists spots to visit in Kazakhstan, or 18 ways to eat brussel sprouts, or the 12 best rap-polka crossover albums.
I decided to start my list with something simple, and something I've been very successful at: avoiding the death penalty!
Like a rainy Monday or lukewarm soup, being handed the death penalty at the hands of a totalitarian dictator can really bring you down.
I look to share all of my glowing, still alive glory with you readers in the following paragraphs.
1. Stay the Hell Out of China
You probably think that the most beheadings would take place out in a war torn African civilization, or a fundamentalist country in the middle east.
However, China is the grand prize of death winner. In 2011 alone, there were over 4,000 government mandated killings in China, and that's a conservative estimate. That's over 3700 more than our first runner up, Iran.
Furthermore, an estimated 10 percent of the killings happen for financial crimes. It's a situation similar to handing our already unscrupulous IRS agents a tech nine with a few hollow points and letting them go to town.
By the way, you can forget lethal injection: it's more like lethal weapon. The homies out on the far east coast still like to keep it old school with the pomp and circumstance of firing squads.
Last chance to be a pirate.
2. Avoid Being a Pirate
In the nations with fully established Sharia law provisions, land, air, or sea piracy can get you the death penalty, matey. Perhaps you may even walk the plank!
Also, do not wear an eyepatch, keep a parrot on your shoulder, or chug rum. Local law enforcement will discriminate and profile against pirates.
So the next time you scurvy cabin boys are swabbing the poop deck, remember to stowaway down below as your galley approaches Yemen. You don't want to be a mangy pirate and get stoned to death in the middle of a desert.
And you say, "But, pirates?"
Yes. Even pirates.
Kids just love clowns
3. Don't Murder a Whole Bunch of People (in these states)
If you're getting a hankering to put on face paint and go Crazy Joe Davola on some folks, don't do it in the following states:
- Texas (it's a point of pride for them)
- Alabama, Arizona, Arkansas, California, Colorado, Delaware, Florida, Georgia, Idaho Indiana, Kansas, Kentucky, Louisiana, Mississippi, Missouri, Montana, Nebraska, Nevada, New Hampshire, North Carolina, Ohio, Oklahoma, Oregon, Pennsylvania, South Carolina, South Dakota, Tennessee, Utah, Virginia, Washington, Wyoming
In general, however, I consider it very bad form to do mass killings in the first place and recommend that you do not consider the serial killer lifestyle.
4. Write a Crapload of Hubpages
A surefire way to stay away from the gallows, the guillotine, or the iron maiden is to write a lot of Hubs. In fact, based on previous data, there is a zero percent chance of being arrested for a capital offense if you're busy writing hubs about decorating your toenails or playing bocce ball.
In fact, the more high quality- seo optimized hubs you write, the less likely you are to be framed by a real serial killer.
But you can write a top 10 craziest episodes of Dexter blog, and live vicariously while avoiding the social awkwardness of death row.
5. Have a Pop Culture Social Movement and Beautiful Dreadlocks
Mr. Mumia Abu Jamal shows us the last, and by far most innovative, way of avoiding the death penalty. Jamal was tried for the murder of a Philadelphia cop who had stopped his nearly identical-looking brother.
Write about sociopolitical oppression, get the attention of rock stars and rappers (who will love you anyway because you look like bob Marley), and have your socially aware high school juniors marching around with "Free Mumia" shirts.
It's a strategy that involves teamwork, synergy, establishing your brand, and not being dead. Abu Jamal is like the Phil Knight or Steve Jobs of the cell block.
The effort ultimately succeeded. Mumia's sentence was reduced to life without parole, and he's now more of a household name than any of our obscure winter games Olympians.