5 Ways to Waste Your Saturday Night
I use to love pub-crawling with friends, drinking till the wee hours of the morning and crawling home at dawn. I strip off my clothes and fall into bed comfortable in my decision to skip my morning classes. Midnight Wednesday, I would count down the minutes till the next houseparty, feverishly texting my friends to see where the party was located and stocking up on alcohol from the LCBO, in preparation for another weekend of facebook catalogued memories. My early-twenties are a clumsily stitched together quilt of parties, bar nights, bad karaoke and drunken sexual encounters under the patchy guise of higher learning. I use to think my night was a bust if I was home by four am and now, at twenty-six, I am lucky if I can stay awake long enough to see midnight.
I recently reviewed my PVR history this last week and sadly, it reads like a roadmap for a lonely middle-aged spinster ... with twenty or thirty cats, possibly forty-five. There is nothing that says 'the best years of your life' like cancelling on your friends to eat an extra large bag of chips and watch the Income Property marathon, on HGTV. Who doesn't like to pretend Scott McGillivray is their boyfriend for five hours on a Saturday night?
Stop lying, you know you've thought about him renovating your kitchen shirtless.
There is nothing wrong with becoming more of a homebody in your late-twenties but you should know how to waste your weekends, right. I would expect nothing less than perfection from my followers and fellow-hubbers, we do not half-ass things, if we commit then we give it one hundred and twelve percent.
Grab your snacks. Pull on your sweats. And read on.
1. Sat-ur-day? No, it's Pronounced Soap-Day
I have been feeling pretty under the weather the last few weekends, stubborn colds combined with allergies are hard to shake when the weather will not decide on a season, so I have been PVRing soap operas. I have weeded the many down to three shows I cannot live without; Australia's Neighbours, Germany's Verboten Liebe, and North America's Days of our Lives, these shows have become a staple of my Saturdays.
There is nothing wrong with curling up on the couch, armed with your pillows and sweats, and putting in some quality television time, once a week. Who says your weekend must be spent dressed to the nines while dancing at some swanky downtown club or trying to have a conversation with a friend over the insanely loud music at a local pub. There comes a point in your twenties when you are no longer able to justify spending hundreds of dollars every weekend on alcohol and cover charges, and you make the segway into cheap gatherings.
When you are finished with the cheap gatherings and frugal dinners and wouldn't mind just spending the night alone, there are a few things you need to know:
- You need to have prepared a healthy supply of soap operas, movies and primetime thrillers to get you through the entire day. This may mean you limit your television watching during the week and attempt to see your friends then, you cannot make the rookie mistake of relying on TGIF programming. It sucks.
- Stock the coffee table well with reachable treats, you want to limit getting off the couch to bathroom visits and drink refills. I would suggest trying to set out several bowls filled with different snacks from the five spinster food groups.
- Turn your cellphone on vibrate. You'll still be alerted to an emergency but can ignore some of the more ridiculous texts, ie 'whre r u?' 'u drking 2nite?!' Those are baiting texts and will often lead to a longer textual conversation with one, or more, of your friends. These interruptions will cause you to miss major plot points, eyebrow raising moments and wayward glances from spurned protagonists.
- When ordering food, you should remember to order something which is both extremely greasy and can be eaten with your hands. Knives and forks are for the civilized. You are being a slovenly and lazy, there is no need to exhaust yourself further by creating dirty dishes to wash later.
- Everything you are using, save the glass, should be disposable and easily thrown away come Sunday morning. You are not going to spend your Sunday morning standing in front of the sink washing dishes in guilt. Out of sight, out of mind.
You spend your weekday mornings exercising, your weekdays working and your weeknights spending time with friends, so it's time for you to rest and reclaim your weekend.
2. Clean, is The Watchword
There is nothing more unenjoyable than living in an unclean apartment, so why not take a Saturday to clean the entire thing top to bottom. I am not talking about your regular cleaning, I am talking about giving your apartment the full Silkwood.
- There is nothing more insidious than dust bunnies living under your bed, they are lying in wait until a slight breeze whisks them onto the battlefield. I would suggest bringing the battle to them, wage the war on their own turf and come out the victor! Arm yourself with a trusty duster, valent vacuum and courageous cleaning cloth and charge!
- Have you cleaned your fridge, lately? This would be a perfect opportunity to remove the entire contents, clean them individually, and power wash your refrigerator with the power only cleaning chemicals can provide. Your only choice here is to go clean.
- That couch is a breeding ground for food particles and dust, you may have fallen asleep there on Thursday but the Cheetoo's found their final resting place in early January. It's time to clean those cushions, vacuum underneath them and really get into the sides of the couch. It wouldn't hurt to call in the professionals, they have been doing it for years.
- I have never seen such an expansive book collection, you must be very well-read and completely insane! You need to slide each of those germ-infested rectangular boxes of death and clean them, each one. You'd be wise to cover your mouth, that dust is probably ancient.
- The bathroom. You should spend, at least, twelve hours in there. Don't believe the commercials, in no way should you be finished before sunrise Monday morning. Do you have a hazmat suit? Good, your roommate has made impossible to clean the bathroom without proper protection.
Come Monday your apartment will be sparkling, free of dust and the men with the largest of butterfly nets will be waiting to usher you off to work, or your early morning run. Whichever you prefer.
3. Private. Dance. Party
There is nothing more fun than pumping up the volume on your iPhone or iPod, inserting your earbuds and dancing like nobody is watching. Throw open those curtains and let the neighbours see you bust those moves, extra points are given if you can also mouth the words to the songs. This is an awesome way to spend your Saturday night and one, I am ashamed to say, I do nearly everyday; whether I am in the kitchen or the shower ... there is dancing and really loud singing.
- Search through your closets and really choose which outfit is best for optimal bustin of your moves. I would suggest anything brightly coloured and reminiscent of the eighties, scour YouTube for the mainstream styles of your favourite aging pop legends. Fishnet bodysuits? Yes, please.
- Remember to have a good mix of fast and faster songs, you want to be able to shake your booty and pump your fists on a Saturday night. You do not want to seem one toned and boring, you are giving your neighbours a show, put some effort into it.
- Use the furniture and walls to your advantage. You want to resemble someone who can work with whatever furniture happens to get in your way, whether it be a couch, ottoman or stove ... you want to be able to work it out.
Are you constantly wondering how your friend has such great arms? Girl, she was fist-pumping all up and down her apartment last Saturday night. Learn and grow.
4. Facebook Stalking
There is nothing more enjoyable than clicking through 'the people you may know' section of facebook, only to find out someone you hated in high school has put on fifty pounds. There is something deliciously vindicating about this fact and something you cannot help but search for further pictorial proof of. Were you stalking an exes new boy/girlfriend? That's what multiple windows are for, silly!
- You should pour yourself a glass of wine, this will make the transition between casually searching facebook for old friends and stalking easier to swallow. I would suggest a dessert wine or perhaps something with a little more bite. You must never mix facebook stalking with hard liquor, you do not want to resort to drunken text messages. You are not there yet.
- In this age of technology, why not connect your laptop to your television screen? You can have the ease of searching facebook on an 50 inch screen, every unflattering photo of your boyfriends new girlfriend will be spread out in full panoramic glory.
- You must remember to lock your bedroom door, just in case your roommate comes home early from the club and discovers you drinking alone while facebook stalking. This will lead to several uncomfortable interventions, in the coming days.
There is nothing wrong with a little light facebook stalking when it is done in the spirit of fun, that being said, do not turn your harmless fun into an all out war on someone. Do not spend too much time on one persons profile and why not search for people you have never met before, they are probably out having the most fantastic Saturday night. Amateurs.
The week has probably been exhausting and Saturday is looking pretty good as the one day you can catchup on your sleep. Turn off your alarm. Switch off your cellphone. Cover your windows in blankets. Sleep like you did when you were twelve, and had no responsibilities.
You have earned it.