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5% of My Soul (part 2)

Updated on September 26, 2013

The Morning

The buzz maneuvers into my dream like a freight train rushing by in the night. On the old dirt country road I walked each night from my home, a broken down Camaro parked at the oil drenched shop where I sorted screws, and the bar I drank at nightly some years ago also blared with the roar of a freight train. Every night I walked alone down that road and every night the screech of the train scared me as it blew by. That train rushed past predictably each night just like the alarm that rings each morning now.

After a long moment I stir awake from a dream I do not remember to the reality of today. Thankful god blessed me with another sunrise to watch on my long drive to work I am reminded of the wise words my nursing instructor once told me. “Just because you got up today doesn’t mean you will be allowed to finish the day.” The thought lingers like lilacs on Mackinaw Island in the springtime and slowly fades away.

I rise from the now empty bed and glance for only a moment at the space my husband of 17 years lay every morning until his death last August. I chuckle to myself, as I smell the beer in his words vividly. “I only drink on days that I wake up.” Then I voice, “Stopped drinking august 24th 2010.” I wanted to place those words on his gravestone, but thought they would be misunderstood. I also resisted the urge to grant his request for the words, “do not eat the chicken salad.” To be carved into the blue marble blocking the weeds from growing where his body now rests. I miss him for a second more then quickly turn to the important things of my morning before the tears come.

My predictable morning starts with coffee, eggs, bacon and a chapter in my book. I cannot breath without coffee and if your not breathing nothing else matters. I take a long hot shower, don my uniform and head out to watch the sun rise at 60mph.

Reality

Reality is that you are gone.

The cold hard truth

is that its time to move on.

I go threw the motions.

I go threw the act.

But I can’t keep my mind on it.

I just can’t bounce back

.

Hurt

Those simple words

bounced threw my brain

and stabbed me in the heart.

The look in his eyes,

So sure of his opinion,

that shows our worlds are far apart.

He had no recollection

his words were killing me inside

and he was so unaware

as he watched my spirit die.

.

Deep Inside

Deep inside

I'm slumped into a ball.

The tears are welling

in my eyes

as I pray.

You never see

a single tear

slide down my cheek.

I'm standing before you

and you see me

standing tall.

But you have been deceived

because

I'm about to fall.

Never

I am sitting here

calm and as cold as stone.

no emotions left at all.

I’m sitting in this room alone,

licking wounds from the fall.

I have learned just one lesson,

or I have learned nothing to recall.

It’s to NEVER love again,

and avoid it all.

Echo

Did you hear the echo?

The echo in the night?

of the pieces falling

one by one?

No more broken heart.

Everything is all ready.

Finally ready to go on.

Alone

Sometimes you’re so alone

it’s like the content feeling

that over comes your body

seconds before death.

he tears fill up your eyes

but just won't flow.

All your feelings die

and you almost feel you best—

Sleepily awake without rest.

The world seems silent

like a house full just before dawn.

Everything is at peace

and everything feels wrong.

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