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57 year old mother looks 27: Secrets of looking half your age.

Updated on July 17, 2014

You have seen the ad: "57 year old woman looks 27. Pasadena housewife discovers fountain of youth." Those ads have got to be the biggest hoax since the Bernie Madoff free money management offer. Right? Wrong! Those ads are true. They have been helping 57 year old women look less than half their age for weeks. Through the magic of hacking, I have hacked into those ads and stolen their secret without providing my stolen credit card's number so that I can bring you those secrets without you having to buy their beauty systems for 4 easy payments of $599 each.

So you want to be a cougar...

You want to look young again and have young Italian hunks fawn all of over your feet. What self-respecting woman wouldn't? It can happen. My grandma is proof of that. Just this morning a whole team of Italian soccer stars passed out at her feet, and it wasn't just because of her smelly shoes. You too can have that. Here are the secrets.

Have plenty of wine handy. Not for you, for him. Many scientific studies have proven beyond doubt that alcohol makes men stupid in a good way. And when we are stupid 57 year old women look 27.

Get a fake ID with your desired age. Use any excuse to flash the ID before his eyes but pretend you don't want him to see your age because men want to do men are told not to. That's why they gawk at any part of a woman's body they're not supposed to see. Once they see your fake age they'll believe it because men believe in the power of the written word.

Dim the lights. Nobody can see wrinkles in the dark unless they're wearing night vision goggles, and surveys show when dating nobody wears night vision goggles. They wear other weird things, like day vision goggles, but not night vision goggles.

Wear something totally age-inappropriate, such as a hat. Don't wear a big-rimmed hat because men don't want to be reminded of their grandmas. Wear an extra short mini-skirt and and a mid-riff tanktop. Note that if your have a doughnut (the kind around your belly, not the good kind Homer Simpson likes) you need to up the amount of wine you feed your sucke... your Italian soccer beau.

Giggle a lot. Men's small brains are wired to shave 10 years off any woman's age when we hear them giggle. For shaving another 10 years keep complimenting us on our great sense of humor, unparalleled intelligence, fine taste, and jaw-dropping looks. You don't have to be a good actor. We can't tell when you are lying. It's a modern marvel there are still some women who tell us the truth because obviously they don't know they don't have to. We can't tell the difference.

Wear a mask. You wear tons of make-up anyway, which gives a false impression of your face. Take it one step further and just wear the mask of a young girl. There are many advantages to this method. For one, you can be anyone, a younger version of Angelina Jolie, an older version of Taylor Swift, or somewhere in between. The best part is, when getting ready to sleep you don't have to spend a ton of time cleaning the day-old make up. Winning!

Always have a friend next to you who is older and less attractive. After all, beauty is an optical illusion created by contrast. And the older and less attractive your friend is the younger you as an optical illusion will look. Here we provide a mathematical equation to assist you in determining the age and lack of attractiveness of your friend:

your friend's age = 2.5 * m + 3 * n

where m is your real age and n is her un-attractiveness on a scale of 1 to 10. So, if your real age is 40 and your friend is a 10 on the un-attractiveness scale, your friend's age has to be 130 to make you look 27.

One Last Word

As you know, knowledge is power. Please use this newly gained power judiciously because the information we have provided here can alter the course of history if it falls into the wrong hands.

P.S.: On second thought, given the state of the world today maybe history could use a little alteration. So, I changed my mind. Do share the information and make sure it falls into the wrong hands.

One More Last Word

In conclusion, if you're 57 and want to look 27 use alcohol, fake ID, masks, ugly friends, sexy clothes, and if it all fails, find a blind boyfriend and lie to him.

Comments

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    • profile image

      Pamela 

      4 years ago

      Love this - funny stuff - but true!!!

    • profile image

      Beth37 

      4 years ago

      See you then.

    • RonHawk profile imageAUTHOR

      Ron Hawkins 

      4 years ago from California, United States

      I'll hold you to it and I raise it by 50 years. Good luck!

    • profile image

      Beth37 

      4 years ago

      Give me another 10 or 15 years, I might thank you for this hub, for now I'll just be sure to bypass your fan mail.

    • RonHawk profile imageAUTHOR

      Ron Hawkins 

      4 years ago from California, United States

      Best complement ever!

      That bad text is actually directly from the ad, too many commas and nonsensical text and all. Probably written by the same people who brought you the Nigerian oil scam.

    • profile image

      Beth37 

      4 years ago

      I can't remember now... it was something I read between the title and the summation.

      Also, you might wanna dump a comma or two.

      " for Aging, , Free Radicals"

    • RonHawk profile imageAUTHOR

      Ron Hawkins 

      4 years ago from California, United States

      Thank you! Ain't I terrible? What part most made you go "oh that's just wrong?"

    • profile image

      Beth37 

      4 years ago

      Hey, that's not a super nice hub.

    • RonHawk profile imageAUTHOR

      Ron Hawkins 

      5 years ago from California, United States

      CrisSp, good friend, that ad is not for you because you just get finer with age. Beauty foremost comes from within, and you have got it within and without.

      Yes, I'm back for more silliness. Hope you will indulge me :)

    • RonHawk profile imageAUTHOR

      Ron Hawkins 

      5 years ago from California, United States

      Rochelle,

      I guess everything is relative! It's never too late for being late. Yesterday was the first day of the rest of this week.

      On a serious note, the best line in the billions of words of the Lord of the Rings was this: "All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us."

      I appreciate your nice comment :)

    • CrisSp profile image

      CrisSp 

      5 years ago from Sky Is The Limit Adventure

      Bwahhahahh! That's my evil laugh!

      So, you're back to entertain us all (again). Good stuff to start off but no thank you. I'm happy the way I look and would never change a thing on my face. Besides, I have no money to pay those fools! HP earning is not enough for botox. :)

      I've seen that AD and as I said, not buying it!

      Thanks for the laughter and welcome back!

    • Rochelle Frank profile image

      Rochelle Frank 

      5 years ago from California Gold Country

      Wow! I could have used this info years ago.. I'd like to look 57 again. Now I'm having trouble finding older friends who can stand next to me... or who can even stand. Funny stuff.

    • peachpurple profile image

      peachy 

      5 years ago from Home Sweet Home

      interesting hub. I m sure lots of women wants to look young. /yr hub sure have lots of ideas. Voted up

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