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82 Funny Marriage Sayings, Quotes and Phrases
1.Marriage is like a phone call while your asleep, first the ring, and then you wake up
2.When a man steals your wife the best revenge is to let him keep her.
3.Love is blind, marriage is the eye-opener.
4.Before marriage, a man declares that he would lay down his life to serve you; after marriage, he won’t even lay down his newspaper to talk to you.
5.My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
6.A bachelor is a man who never makes the same mistake once.
7.The secret of a happy marriage is still a secret.
8.Marriage is like a hot bath. Once you get used to it, it’s not so hot.
9.Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
10.After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can’t face each other, but still they stay together.
11.Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband!
12.Marriage is when a man looses his bachelors degree and woman gets her masters degree.
13.Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not.
14.Marriage is like a deck of cards. All you need in the beginning is two hearts and a diamond. After 10 years you need a club and spade.
15.Remember–you can either be happy or right.
16.My wife treats me like a God… She takes very little notice of my existence until she wants something.
17.“The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.” -H.V. Prochnow
18."An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her." -Agatha Christie
19.“I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.” - Rita Rudner
20."The man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him." -Oscar Wilde
21.My husband said it was him or the cat... I miss him sometimes.
22.I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house.
23.In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice that still continues.
24.Always get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted a whole day.
25.I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
26.The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing—and then marry him.
27.The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it.
28.If love means never having to say you're sorry, then marr I'd never be unfaithful to my wife for the reason that I love my house very much.
29.Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest.
30.There is one thing more exasperating than a wife who can cook and won't, and that's a wife who can't cook and will.
31."Marriage is one of the leading causes of divorce.
32."I came from a big family. As a matter of fact, I never got to sleep alone until I was married."
33."A wedding is just like a funeral except that you get to smell your own flowers."
34.A dress that zips up the back will bring a husband and wife together.
35.All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.
36.An ideal wife is one who remains faithful to you but tries to be just as charming as if she weren't.
37.Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means
38.Faithful women are all alike, they think only of their fidelity, never of their husbands.
39.He's the kind of man a woman would have to marry to get rid of.
40.I married beneath me, all women do.
41.I've had two proposals since I've been a widow. I am a wonderful catch, you know. I have a lot of money.
42.If you want to read about love and marriage, you've got to buy two separate books.
43.Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house.
44.Love: A temporary insanity curable by marriage.
45.Marriage is a bribe to make the housekeeper think she's a householder.
46.Marriage is an attempt to solve problems together which you didn't even have when you were on your own.
47.Marriage: A word which should be pronounced "mirage".
48.One was never married, and that's his hell; another is married, and that's his plague.
49.The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less.
50.The comfortable estate of widowhood is the only hope that keeps up a wife's spirits.
51.The bonds of matrimony are like any other bonds, they mature slowly
52.When a girl marries, she exchanges the attentions of many men for the inattention of one
53.Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn't they'd be married too.
54.A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he's finished. - Zsa Zsa Gabor
55.Marriage: when your bathroom becomes your sanctuary
56.The last fight we had was my fault. My wife asked,"What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust"
57. I always wanted to take my wife out. So I did. Now I’m in prison.
58.Husbands are like fires, they go out if unattended.
59.To catch a husband is an art; to hold him is a job.
60.Misery acquaints a man with strange bedfellows. – Shakespeare
61.My husband says I feed him like he's a god. Every meal is a burnt offering.
62.Sometimes I miss my wife, but my aim is getting better!
63."My wife made me join her bridge club ... I jump next Tuesday."
64."I asked my wife if she enjoys a cigarette after sex and she said no, one drag is enough"
65.At a couples retreat, the speaker told the men they need to know their wife's favorite flower. A man on the back row looked at his wife and asked, "Pillsbury, isn't it?"
66.If you want to sacrifice the admiration of many men for the criticism of one, go ahead, get married.
67."Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, its not that difficult."
68."There's only one thing wrong with wife swapping. You get another wife."
69."One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!"
70."A good wife always forgive "Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
71.A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
72.First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"……Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
73.The husband who decides to surprise his wife is often very much surprised himself.
74.Why do men die before their wives? They want to.
75.I not spoken to my wife for 18 months. I did not like to interrupt her.
76.I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was "Always."
77.My wife ran off with my best friend last week. I miss him!
78.Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
79.The only one of your children who does not grow up and move away is your husband.
80.If it's true that girls are inclined to marry men like their fathers, it is understandable why so many mothers cry so much at weddings.
81.The best way to win an argument with your husband is to begin removing clothing.
82.Men usually want either food or sex. Learn to cook and keep your pantry stocked if you want to get anything done.
I hope you all enjoyed these funny sayings and quotes about marriage. Please don't let them discourage your thoughts on marriage. It can be a beautiful thing.
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