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82 Funny Marriage Sayings, Quotes and Phrases

Updated on July 7, 2012

1.Marriage is like a phone call while your asleep, first the ring, and then you wake up

2.When a man steals your wife the best revenge is to let him keep her.

3.Love is blind, marriage is the eye-opener.

4.Before marriage, a man declares that he would lay down his life to serve you; after marriage, he won’t even lay down his newspaper to talk to you.

5.My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

6.A bachelor is a man who never makes the same mistake once.

7.The secret of a happy marriage is still a secret.

8.Marriage is like a hot bath. Once you get used to it, it’s not so hot.

9.Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

10.After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can’t face each other, but still they stay together.

11.Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband!

12.Marriage is when a man looses his bachelors degree and woman gets her masters degree.

13.Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not.

-Albert Einstein

14.Marriage is like a deck of cards. All you need in the beginning is two hearts and a diamond. After 10 years you need a club and spade.

15.Remember–you can either be happy or right.

16.My wife treats me like a God… She takes very little notice of my existence until she wants something.

17.“The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.” -H.V. Prochnow

18."An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her." -Agatha Christie

19.“I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.” - Rita Rudner

20."The man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him." -Oscar Wilde

21.My husband said it was him or the cat... I miss him sometimes.

22.I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house.

23.In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice that still continues.

24.Always get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted a whole day.

25.I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

26.The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing—and then marry him.

27.The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it.

28.If love means never having to say you're sorry, then marr I'd never be unfaithful to my wife for the reason that I love my house very much.

29.Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest.

30.There is one thing more exasperating than a wife who can cook and won't, and that's a wife who can't cook and will.

31."Marriage is one of the leading causes of divorce.

32."I came from a big family. As a matter of fact, I never got to sleep alone until I was married."

33."A wedding is just like a funeral except that you get to smell your own flowers."

34.A dress that zips up the back will bring a husband and wife together.

35.All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.

36.An ideal wife is one who remains faithful to you but tries to be just as charming as if she weren't.

37.Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means

38.Faithful women are all alike, they think only of their fidelity, never of their husbands.

39.He's the kind of man a woman would have to marry to get rid of.

40.I married beneath me, all women do.

41.I've had two proposals since I've been a widow. I am a wonderful catch, you know. I have a lot of money.

42.If you want to read about love and marriage, you've got to buy two separate books.

43.Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house.

44.Love: A temporary insanity curable by marriage.

45.Marriage is a bribe to make the housekeeper think she's a householder.

46.Marriage is an attempt to solve problems together which you didn't even have when you were on your own.

47.Marriage: A word which should be pronounced "mirage".

48.One was never married, and that's his hell; another is married, and that's his plague.

49.The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less.

50.The comfortable estate of widowhood is the only hope that keeps up a wife's spirits.

51.The bonds of matrimony are like any other bonds, they mature slowly

52.When a girl marries, she exchanges the attentions of many men for the inattention of one

53.Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn't they'd be married too.

54.A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he's finished. - Zsa Zsa Gabor

55.Marriage: when your bathroom becomes your sanctuary

56.The last fight we had was my fault. My wife asked,"What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust"

57. I always wanted to take my wife out. So I did. Now I’m in prison.

58.Husbands are like fires, they go out if unattended.

59.To catch a husband is an art; to hold him is a job.

60.Misery acquaints a man with strange bedfellows. – Shakespeare

61.My husband says I feed him like he's a god. Every meal is a burnt offering.

62.Sometimes I miss my wife, but my aim is getting better!

63."My wife made me join her bridge club ... I jump next Tuesday."

64."I asked my wife if she enjoys a cigarette after sex and she said no, one drag is enough"

65.At a couples retreat, the speaker told the men they need to know their wife's favorite flower. A man on the back row looked at his wife and asked, "Pillsbury, isn't it?"

66.If you want to sacrifice the admiration of many men for the criticism of one, go ahead, get married.

67."Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, its not that difficult."

68."There's only one thing wrong with wife swapping. You get another wife."

69."One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!"

70."A good wife always forgive "Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

71.A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

72.First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"……Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

73.The husband who decides to surprise his wife is often very much surprised himself.

74.Why do men die before their wives? They want to.

75.I not spoken to my wife for 18 months. I did not like to interrupt her.

76.I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was "Always."

77.My wife ran off with my best friend last week. I miss him!

78.Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

79.The only one of your children who does not grow up and move away is your husband.

80.If it's true that girls are inclined to marry men like their fathers, it is understandable why so many mothers cry so much at weddings.

81.The best way to win an argument with your husband is to begin removing clothing.

82.Men usually want either food or sex. Learn to cook and keep your pantry stocked if you want to get anything done.

I hope you all enjoyed these funny sayings and quotes about marriage. Please don't let them discourage your thoughts on marriage. It can be a beautiful thing.

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    • profile image

      PeterKaren 3 years ago

    • jainismus profile image

      Mahaveer Sanglikar 5 years ago from Pune, India


    • profile image

      Jeremy Rawlings 5 years ago

      I like "The secret of a happy marriage is still a secret."

    • fresh2def05 profile image

      fresh2def05 5 years ago from Louisville, Ky

      Lol bac2basics,

      Thanks, Im glad you enjoyed...Hope you have a great day.

    • bac2basics profile image

      Anne 5 years ago from Spain

      Hi fresh. This made me laugh out load. I especially liked the tip to get married early in the morning, then if it doesn´t work out you haven´t wasted a whole day. I´m still laughing now..great start to my day..Thanks :)

    • fresh2def05 profile image

      fresh2def05 5 years ago from Louisville, Ky

      Thanks Free2writ3. I'm glad you enjoyed them.

    • Free2writ3 profile image

      Free2writ3 5 years ago from Sharon Hill, Pennsylvania

      cool hub

    • fresh2def05 profile image

      fresh2def05 5 years ago from Louisville, Ky


      Congrats on your anniversary! Its great that you guys are still together and making each other laugh. im accually a little jealous:). Thank you for readong and i wish you 38 more years of happiness.

    • fresh2def05 profile image

      fresh2def05 5 years ago from Louisville, Ky


      Your absolutly right. you have to laugh and it is a great medicin qhich is why a lot of my hubs are about humor. Thank you for reading and voting up! It is very much appreciated.

    • fresh2def05 profile image

      fresh2def05 5 years ago from Louisville, Ky


      Im glad you ejoyed this hub. and it probaby might be bad if you can relate to these but then again who can't relate to some :) Thx for reading.

    • fresh2def05 profile image

      fresh2def05 5 years ago from Louisville, Ky


      Im very glad this made you laugh. thx for reading.

    • Recently Awakened profile image

      Recently Awakened 5 years ago

      Lol, this hub is hilarious! I love it! You have to be able to laugh in life and it, literally, is the very best medicine. i look forward to reading more of your hubs. Voting up all around!

    • teaches12345 profile image

      Dianna Mendez 5 years ago

      This hub had me laughing. I can relate to some of them, is that bad? He, he, he. So glad you posted this on HP. Voted way up!

    • Happyboomernurse profile image

      Gail Sobotkin 5 years ago from South Carolina

      Thanks for a good laugh.

      I believe humor is one of the best ways to have a happy marriage. My husband and I celebrate our 38th wedding anniversary next month and he says he's stayed with me for all these years because I still make him laugh on a daily basis!

      Voted up, funny and interesting.

    • KoffeeKlatch Gals profile image

      Susan Haze 5 years ago from Sunny Florida

      Funny, funny, funny. Thanks for the laugh. I really enjoyed it.

    • fresh2def05 profile image

      fresh2def05 5 years ago from Louisville, Ky

      Very glad you enjoyed them kashmir! Thanx for reading.

    • kashmir56 profile image

      Thomas Silvia 5 years ago from Massachusetts

      Thanks for this great hub, enjoyed all these funny marriage sayings !

      Vote up and more !!!

    • fresh2def05 profile image

      fresh2def05 5 years ago from Louisville, Ky


      You are absolutley right. A sense of humor is a must. Im glad you enjoyed and thx for commenting.


      First off, congrats on the wedding and best of luck. Im glad these made you laugh and I can't thank you enough for commenting and liking this hub. Your feedback is very much appreciated.

    • zsobig profile image

      Sophie 5 years ago from United Kingdom

      Wow I will get married in exactly 2 weeks, but this was hilarious even this short before the wedding :)).

      Thanks a lot for sharing! Voted up and shared on Facebook!

    • Ddraigcoch profile image

      Emma 5 years ago from UK

      Haha, Have heard a lot of these but not all. Really made me chuckle, this is what does keep a marriage good, a sense of humour!