The Caveman Diaries: Today and 40,000 Years from Today
Site of discovery: Eastern Turkey
A recent earthquake, centered along the the Aegean and Anatolian tectonic plates in eastern Turkey, has the scientific community giddy like school girls. Believe it or not, the quake unearthed a notebook, bound in animal-hides and filled with over 200 pages. Scientists used radio-carbon dating estimate the notebook's age at anywhere between 35,000 to 40,000 years old. Non-scientists read the notebook, which begins on January 14, 37,990BC (about 40,000 years ago). While the near mint condition of the notebook is surprising, it's pages filled with diary entries, written in modern English from the mouth of a prehistoric man, is what baffles scientists.
This region, also known as the fertile crescent, has often been considered the cradle of civilization. It was home to the earliest humans, and the birthplace of such major inventions as agriculture, writing, the wheel, and our favorite, beer. With these journals, scientists have already begun to learn entirely new things about our ancestral past.
The impact this find has had on the scientific community has been tremendous. Thus, for this reason, they would like to share it with you. From the beginning...
The Caveman Diaries: 1st Entry
January 14, 37,990 BC
I love the morning time. It’s quiet. The birds make pleasant noises as they eat leftover seeds off the ground in the cave’s entrance. The sun wakes me. It creeps up above the horizon, shines onto my face, and follows onto my family's. Right now is my quiet time as the others in the tribe are still asleep. There are 15 of us total.
I take this time to ask myself great things like,"how did I get here?" "How did all of this come to be?" and, "what is it like in the end?" I think, "this really is the best time of day" and "this really is a great day."
Just as I feel some answers approaching the front of my brain, I lose them. Oh well, no matter, I’m hungry. The rest of the tribe is awake now, and I should be concentrating on more important things, like eating.
We began following this herd of mammoths yesterday morning. We walked nearly all day and night, and today, we managed to separate a mother and her calf from the rest of the herd. We’ve led them here: a dry and narrow valley. On either side, the dirt jets upwards about four mammoth-lengths. On this upward slope, inside this cave, is where I sit now. The way the dirt changes color makes me believe this valley was once filled with water. Where did it all go? Oh well, no matter, there’s no water here now. It’s just me, my closest kin, dirt below, sky above, and two mammoths at the edge of the valley. I know they are becoming weak after being chased for over a day. Fortunately, the mother won’t leave her calf, and the calf is suffering from exhaustion. They will be vulnerable very soon, and out positioning in this narrow valley is perfect. Soon they will both collapse from exhaustion and the men and I will make our kill. Today will be a momentous day, and tonight, we will feast.
For the women and children, today is just another day. Yes, they are excited by the chance of a feast tonight, as are we. But otherwise, today is just another day.
The children will do their best not to cut, slice, stab, maim, hit, pelt, bludgeon, or kill themselves. With all the shit kids are doing these days, you can’t help but worry as a parent. Soon enough they won’t need me. In a few years, they will be able to feed themselves, make children of their own, and forget all about me. Oh well, no matter, I did the same when I was their age.
The women will be busy with their daily tasks. Soon, they will set out to gather roots and nuts, and if luck is with them, some berries. Man, I sure hope so. I'm tired of boiling roots and cracking nuts. No matter, we’re eating mammoth tonight! We men really do appreciate all the hard work from the women in our lives. We are blessed to have them. They spend many days, from sunup to sundown, gathering and preparing food for us. Not to mention, they’ve done a great job at producing and rearing my strong, soon-to-be-hunter offspring.
I still don’t have any answers from this morning. I don’t know how I got here, I don't know how all of this came to be, and I don’t know what it's like in the end. I do, however strange, know that it continues. It continues to continue forever. Man today and man 40,000 years from today will be similar in many ways. They will say man 40,000 years from today is evolved. They will say he is smarter, healthier, and happier. I don't believe it. They will write about us. They will call us by many names: cavemen, cave-dwellars, Paleolithic, hunter-gatherers, troglodytes, prehistoric and ancient beings (none of which I’m very fond of). Oh well, no matter. Time to go - mammoth awaits. My name is Job, by the way.