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A Child's Confusion - Chapter 3
Freedom at last!
I am about two years old and I am running down the driveway of our home and I am running from my mother. I am happy and I feel free. I have broken loose and I am running away from the nappy. My mother wants to put a nappy on me but I want to be free I want to feel free. I have nothing on I am naked and it feels great. My mother shouts as she runs after me and her words make me feel ashamed and dirty. Her words make me connect my nakedness and my freedom with shame. I feel dirty about my nakedness and she catches me. She hits me and brings me back into the house. My feelings are all mixed up. "I" is emerging.
I am with my father in the car. He is drunk and as he drives up the driveway he asks me to find my mother. I get out of the car and I go looking for my mother. I find her huddled in her dressing gown on the step outside the back door. She looks at me with fear and anger in her eyes. She tells me to go away. I am afraid of her but my Dad asked me to find her. I don’t know what to do and she is really scaring me as I am glued to the spot. I can't move. I feel she could hurt me and just then my father appears and he attacks her. I am just relieved my father came when he did and I didn't give my mother up because he found her. I feel the gap widening between me and my mother but I still have my father and he loves me. I am about three years old.
Angry Fighting and Shouting.
I am in the kitchen and my father is beating my mother who is crouched in a corner screaming. There is a lot of noise and the sound of breaking crockery and glass. There is a knife on the kitchen table and it has a wooden handle. My mother is shouting at me to stick it into my father. My father is wearing a sarong and his top is bare. I am looking at the knife and I am thinking about sticking it in my father’s back but I don’t want to. I am afraid of my mother and what she will do to me later if I don’t do as she says so I approach my father with the knife and am relieved as he turns to me and knocks me across the room and relieves me of the knife. My father saves me again. I feel my mother hates me because I have not done what she asked me to do. I am about four years
To this day loud noises trigger panic in me and I react angrily. People fighting and angry faces have the same effect and I become that three year old boy again.
I has learned not to trust adults. Adults are unpredictable and can turn on you in an instant. Adults only care about themselves and I is beginning to realise that the world is not a safe place. I can't trust my father completely any more. I is beginning to look for ways to become safe again. I is unsure who I is any more. I is separating from me.