ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel

Antigone: A Satire in Moral Self Control

Updated on July 20, 2017
Theophanes profile image

Theophanes is a New England-based blogger, traveler, writer, photographer, sculptor, and lover of life.

A Breif Introduction

A friend of mine has decided to go to college. Personally I don't believe in the current emphasis put on higher (or lower) education. I find it all frivolity. Nonetheless, to show my support of her, I decided to suffer alongside her, if for only a few minutes. She brought home an assignment for English class, said she had to write an essay on Antigone, explain the conflicts within, etcetera, etcetera. I decided to write a retelling, satirical style. Below is the essay I would have passed in if I were actually a pupil to "higher education." Added are a beginning and ending paragraph outlining just what I thought of the assignment. Do enjoy.

Onto the Story!

Sophocles was a writer, poet, playwright, and all around great mind, but this isn't to say the man was humorless. How are we to know his tragedies weren't meant as comedies? Who draws the line? You have to admit it's a blurry line. With a warped enough view just about anything tragic can be hilarious whether it's watching someone topple haplessly off some crude redneck creation (a go cart perhaps?) or just poking gentle fun at the hypocrisies of our world (I's be edjumakated in public skool.)

At the beginning of the story we're all heralded into the same setting as the last story (you know the one about dearest papa Oedipus?) A wordy introduction is given by our damsel in distress which could have easily been summarized in one simple sentence: Antigone's pissed that one of her brothers gets to be lain to rest properly with the worms and daisies, while her other brother is damned to rot on open ground until wild birds peck out his eyes. The horror! How deliciously sacrilegious! Antigone doesn't appear to be the sharpest tool in the shed so she decided that its her job to take care of the needs of a dead man, even though to dote on the corpse in such a way is ultimately martyring herself to the same gruesome fate. Just what baby bro' wanted.

Antigone asks for her sister Ismene's help in her quest but Ismene, being the sane one, says something to the effect of, "Are you crazy?! He's dead! He doesn't care what you do! I'm not going to risk my own painful mortality to please a corpse! Not even my brother. Besides he still owes me a pony..."

Antigone's reply, "Disloyal coward! I'll go on my own!"

At this point the chorus breaks in. I hope nothing of importance was said in these few stanzas as I tend to space out whenever someone randomly bursts into song. It's just not right.

Right about now the scene switches and we get to meet Creon who is at an important board meeting with all his Pagan drones. He gathers them all around and tells them that Polyneices, who was likely a Christian knowing his fondness for sacking and pillaging in the name of a new God, needed to be corpse sitted. "He must rot in shame for he's a trader and blasphemer to his father's Pagan Gods! Shame on him!" Creon's drones tell him to chill out, the corpse is being guarded by several low-ranking soldiers.

Just then the soldier bursts in crying, "My king! Don't kill me but the corpse has found itself cuddled in dirt and given funeral rites!"

"Who did this?" He growled back.

Practically in tears, "I don't knoooow!"

"Find this walk-by dirt flinger or I shall kill you and the entire camp that was supposed to be watching the corpse!"

"But it could have been the Gods sir!"

"The Gods?! No God would dare disobey the laws put forth by an egomaniacal mortal! Find me the real perpetrator you dunce!"

I blacked out for the next twenty minutes as they started singing again. When I awoke the guards were clasping Antigone saying, "Oh King, spare my life for I found who buried Polyneices! Here she is a fair and fine maiden." The guard winked. Antigone rolled her eyes.

"Did you bury your brother?"

"No shit Sherlock, of course I buried my brother. You think I was just meandering about town looking for a date?"

"And you knew I'd kill you if you did."

"Oh bite me! You don't scare me!"

A guard breaks in, "Spare the maiden's life, she's but a mere woman, unable to control her illogical emotions!"

"Why did you do it?"

With crossed arms and a pouting glare, "Because Zeus is my Lord and Savior and you are just a wealthy tyrant. Fuck you. Death is sweet."

"Fine! I'll slay your insolent ass!"

"Go ahead! Do it! What's your problem? Chicken? Bok bok bok! Kill me now!"

"Just for that I'm going to make you wait, you bitch! No woman tells me what to do!"

Ismene comes by for a visit.

"My sister! You were right! I was kind of a bitch to let you go out the door and kill yourself in such a stupid way. I wish to make up for it. Shall I confess to your crimes and share the punishment?"

"Too little too late! I shall die, your fate is to live." Said with such distaste.

"Fair ‘nuff."

At this time Creon's cronies start questioning him in the hopes he'd realize what an ass he was being.

"You're going to slaughter your daughter-in-law? Do you really want to do that? What will you talk about at the family dinner? Everyone will be glowering at each other in spiteful indignation."

"I don't care. My son can find a new wife."

"One he loves?"

"What does love have to do with royal marriage?! My son will marry whoever's politically convenient. End of story."

"But he'll still hate you. He does love the fair maiden Antigone."

"He'll get over it."

Enter the scene Antigone's betrothed, Creon's son, Haemon. "You're going to kill my fiancé? Well... I suppose... killing is great and all and you are the wisest man in all the land and all but do you really have to take out your unspeakable anger issues on my only female lover?"

"Yes! She's a traitor!"

"Maybe... but for her family. I mean it wasn't some pauper's grave she defiled, it was her brothers, out of love. Isn't love what makes life worth living?"

"What kind of fluffy bullshit is that? Have you been hanging out in the cannabis tents again?"

"Nooo, I did that once! Once I tell you! You think I'm such a looser! You don't trust me worth shit and now you want to off the love of my life?!"

"Yes. I'm a bastard like that. I'm just giving you a heads up."

"Fine but if you kill her, so too will you be killing me."

"You wouldn't."

"Try me."

Haemon leaves and Creon goes back to being his surly self. "Kill both those maidens and make my son watch. He needs to be toughened up. He's such a pussy."

"But only one of them is guilty."

"What do I care? I need something to do and two deaths are far more amusing than one!"

Teiresias, the village soothsayer, comes into the scene to give the king a dreadful warning. "Creon you idiot! The Gods have forsaken us because of your stupidity! Polyneices was not buried and the Gods are angry! This oozing goat carcass told me the entire story!"

"How dare you blaspheme my decision? No God will be bothered with a dead mortal! I am the ruler here!"

"Yes, and an infuriatingly stupid one at that. If you do not allow Polyneices proper burial then I cannot guarantee your life. You shall die soon while your house is enveloped with spite for you."

"I don't believe the words of an old fool. Be gone with you!" Teiresias is shuffled off stage by some burly guards.

Of course Creon stops being a dickwad for just a moment and listens to his counsel who suggest he should just let his prisoners go and bury the stupid corpse. Being a belligerent adult-child he doesn't want to but relents. It was too late for fixing past mistakes though. Antigone had a death wish. She wanted to be with kith and kin, which all happened to be dead, except for her less than supportive sister. She hung herself in her cave and her betrothed followed suit by falling upon his sword. Creon learned there are repercussions for being a bastard and he is left ruminating with this little moral when the tired audience leaves the show yawning.

All and all I can't exactly praise this as good literature. Why are we reading this again? No empathy is created for any of the characters. I couldn't have given a flying shit if any of them lived or died. The characters could all be summarized as a stubborn ditz, a bastard king, a cowardly sister, a kiss-ass prince, and a hoard of ineffectual guards. There's nothing interesting here... I had to make it a comedy just so I could slog through the thing without dying of boredom. The moral of the story wasn't even worth waiting for. Don't be a blood-thirsty fear monger or the people around you are going to start to get pissed... yeah that's pretty much common sense.

More from this Author:

Blogs:

Catching Marbles - A New England based travel blog

Tales from the Birdello - For all homesteading and farming matters

Deranged Thoughts from a Cluttered Mind - For funny personal anecdotes

FaceBook:

Through the Looking Glass Farm

Typhani Brooks - Artist

Instagram

Twitter

Comments

    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    • Theophanes profile imageAUTHOR

      Theophanes Avery 

      8 years ago from New England

      Heh, glad you found this so amusing! I've always considered it one of my duds! Retelling old stories in a satirical way is always fun though, as well as history (as you can see by some of my other hubs!)

    • Uriel profile image

      Uriel 

      8 years ago from Lebanon

      WOOOOOOOOOOOOW i am the first to comment on this:D This was a mind blower :D WOW this was amazing i mean totally funny and all, regardless to the tragedy that is going to fall. Yeh haimon is such a pussy. I totally loved this one. I hope i can forward it to a friend of mine if you don't mind. It bring such good laughter :D

      i see you have a great talent in telling what can't be told. Humor is good for the soul and you have brought it up in such an elegant way !!!~~Greatly done:D

    working

    This website uses cookies

    As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, hubpages.com uses cookies (and other similar technologies) and may collect, process, and share personal data. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.

    For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at: https://hubpages.com/privacy-policy#gdpr

    Show Details
    Necessary
    HubPages Device IDThis is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons.
    LoginThis is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service.
    Google RecaptchaThis is used to prevent bots and spam. (Privacy Policy)
    AkismetThis is used to detect comment spam. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide data on traffic to our website, all personally identifyable data is anonymized. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Traffic PixelThis is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized.
    Amazon Web ServicesThis is a cloud services platform that we used to host our service. (Privacy Policy)
    CloudflareThis is a cloud CDN service that we use to efficiently deliver files required for our service to operate such as javascript, cascading style sheets, images, and videos. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Hosted LibrariesJavascript software libraries such as jQuery are loaded at endpoints on the googleapis.com or gstatic.com domains, for performance and efficiency reasons. (Privacy Policy)
    Features
    Google Custom SearchThis is feature allows you to search the site. (Privacy Policy)
    Google MapsSome articles have Google Maps embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    Google ChartsThis is used to display charts and graphs on articles and the author center. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSense Host APIThis service allows you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can earn money from ads on your articles. No data is shared unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Google YouTubeSome articles have YouTube videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    VimeoSome articles have Vimeo videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    PaypalThis is used for a registered author who enrolls in the HubPages Earnings program and requests to be paid via PayPal. No data is shared with Paypal unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook LoginYou can use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to your Hubpages account. No data is shared with Facebook unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    MavenThis supports the Maven widget and search functionality. (Privacy Policy)
    Marketing
    Google AdSenseThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Google DoubleClickGoogle provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Index ExchangeThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    SovrnThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook AdsThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Unified Ad MarketplaceThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    AppNexusThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    OpenxThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Rubicon ProjectThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    TripleLiftThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Say MediaWe partner with Say Media to deliver ad campaigns on our sites. (Privacy Policy)
    Remarketing PixelsWe may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites.
    Conversion Tracking PixelsWe may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service.
    Statistics
    Author Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy)
    ComscoreComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Tracking PixelSome articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy)