A FATHER'S LOVE - FATHER'S DAY
A Reflection of my childhood.....
So today is hard for me. Today is hard for anyone who has lost their father. It's Father's Day and somewhere in the sky my father is playing with some sort of "swingin band" with all sorts of characters surrounding the room. Sort of like a Woody Allen movie but with musicians where they break the fourth wall and yell at the audience. Oh, I mean "perform" at the audience! Demanding your attention! Yes.....that's show biz!!!!!
Every year I get a bit down cause I miss him. He has been gone almost 12 years now and it still hurts. Death has played a big role in my life and although he was 92 when he passed (most would say that he lived a good, long life), it does not make things easier. I was lucky enough to be able to visit my sister in another state close to this time and I guess as time has passed and we have both grown to be mature, responsible adults and parents....the thing that is missing the most is his laughter and his "so alive spirit." People always tell me that they see glimpses of him in me when I bring a few people to a "great giggle state" with my "out there" stories. I always seem to have a different angle on life's every day occurances. I guess it is sort of my way of bringing light to something so ordinary. This I learned from my father. He was so good at telling great stories. I miss all the laughter and "old timers" at my family home. I miss the stories and the "over the top" crazy laughter. It was a different time, a rare generation of "I was born to swing." "Swing" at that time meant "let loose and get crazy baby!" ha. It meant "enjoy life and the moment!" Boy, times have changed!
So today I wanted to thank him for the gifts that he gave me. I have never thought about them before and wrote them down. I thought if I really look back, it would make my heart "lighter" today.
My father was very talented and loved attention but inside was a very sensitive man. He did not often show emotion when he was hurting and when he cried, it was a very big deal. The best gift of all he gave me was the confidence to "get out there" in anything and make things happen. Since he was 60 when I was born, I guess I sort of missed out on his younger years. He was a "mover and a shaker" and when he wanted anything, he made it happen. Sometimes I felt he was selfish, but he was of another generation. Some would say a bit chauvinistic. Sometimes it was hard to grow up with him since he was so much older then other dad's. But when it comes to everything and the memories, he was always "in my corner." I never doubted his love and belief in me. I wanted to make him proud cause I loved him. I did try to please him a lot in my younger years, but he got so excited about my achievements...I just could not help it!!! He was always the loudest person in the audience. He was always the loudest person at home. He often said "go get em G!" I am who I am because he gave me so much support. The best cheerleader in town he was!
He once told me something that he regretted. We used to spend hours talking about stuff and shooting the breeze. Sometimes it was about food, funny events, boy stuff. I could ask him anything! He always had an answer or a great opinion and I always took a lot of what he said to heart. He told me that his one regret in life was that he never "felt like he was good enough." That fear stayed with him even though he was very successful and dynamic. He achieved a very high level of fame but deep down he felt like he could have done "more." The one thing he said that I always think of is "Never think you are not good enough." He said that if you get up in a room, there is a chance that you will be in the top nomatter what. You have to atleast try." I always think of this in everything I do even if it is something simple that I fear. I understand what he was saying because "fear" can sabotage a lot of things.
I guess that the best gift he gave me of all was the knowledge that I was always going to be ok. That he loved me in every way and that he believed in me. It was in everything he did and said. I never doubted that I wouldn't because it was never a possibility in his mind or mine. This keeps me going every single day. Even in my hardest times. That deep security that he installed in my heart. And even when times get tough I hear him say "This too shall pass."
Love you Daddy