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A HANDBAG TALE.

Updated on July 28, 2014
Just a minute, I know they're in here somewhere!
Just a minute, I know they're in here somewhere! | Source

In Egypt in the age of the pyramids the dead were buried with possessions that they were thought to need to pay their way in the afterlife. These things included food, money and items with which to trade. Also included were objects that indicated their status in the mortal world.

If women today were buried according to this logic the one essential item that should accompany them is their handbag. This alone would give testament to those things she considered essential to her daily life. She may spend the rest of eternity searching in the bowels of this bottomless sack, but she would still feel safe in the knowledge that every item she considered necessary was contained therein.

Everything in her house that is small enough will, at some time or another, find its way into this receptacle but at all times there are the basics. These include emergency supplies of medicines such as headache tablets, bowel regulators, antacids, and artificial sweeteners. As well there might be dental floss, a nail file, sun screen, breath freshener and eye drops. A sweet for low sugar episodes is also a standby. Make up touch ups include lipstick, cover stick, eye makeup, a comb and a mirror. Naturally female hygiene products are there no matter what time of the month until she is blissfully past the need for them. There are always tissues and these multiply as if breeding because a woman will always wonder if she has used some and replenish the supply.

Expensive and hideous Louis Vuitton patchwork handbag.
Expensive and hideous Louis Vuitton patchwork handbag.

In fact, given the number of accoutrements a woman requires when she steps from her home into the outside world, it is a wonder humans ever became mobile instead of rooted to the spot drawing nourishment from the soil. It seems that movement from the home requires a lot of baggage.

A man has pockets. Into these he places his wallet and perhaps a handkerchief or tissue. He puts his pen in his shirt pocket and his phone on his belt. That's it, the whole shebang. But just wait until you take this man shopping. Whatever he's carrying he will suddenly decide you have room for in your handbag. This will include his tobacco pouch or some extraneous item he cannot slide comfortably into his pockets. I believe that when a man takes space in your handbag, it is essentially a return to the womb.

He is also marking his territory. Placing his things in your handbag is much akin to a dog, forgive me, weeing on something to mark it as his. Just be thankful he doesn't do that to your handbag, but instead, places an item he treasures in there for your safekeeping.

I own one handbag at a time. While I love shoes I only tolerate handbags. When it disintegrates, I buy another one. It must match everything I wear and also fit my absolute requirements. These are a slot for a mobile phone and an extra pocket on the outside for keys, comb and makeup, things I need to reach in a hurry without having to search the interior.

Going into the interior is much like going on safari. You simply don't know where you are heading or what to expect. Anyone putting their hand uninvited into your handbag is asking for trouble. They may run into a sharp object or some food that has escaped its packaging and floating freely amongst the other articles. If the weather has been hot and the owner of the handbag is not aware of the food's escape, it may turn sticky or slimy and attach itself to other unsuspecting items on the inside.

Your mobile will never be compromised by this mess as it has its own little pocket, however your tissues, wallet, glasses and business cards will all bear testament to your appalling handbag housekeeping.

My idea of the perfect accessory, actor Daniel Craig but beware of all men putting things in and taking things from your handbag.
My idea of the perfect accessory, actor Daniel Craig but beware of all men putting things in and taking things from your handbag.

Apart from this scenario a woman knows exactly what she keeps in her handbag. She knows in which section to find an item but it may still hide in the depths of the accommodating pouch. It is therefore necessary to grope about to extricate the object she knows, without a doubt is there. Things have been known to go missing for weeks in my bag only to turn up there when I'm not looking.

There is only one reason a woman will not eventually find something in her bag that she knows is there. It has been taken and the culprit will be, ninety-nine point nine-nine percent of the time, the man of the house. When you discover his deceit he will do one of two things. He will swear he put the item back, although he forgets that he actually didn't. I'm sorry but what man ever remembers to put something of yours back?

Secondly he will have put the item down and forgotten entirely where it was. There is only one way around this and that is to hide your handbag from him. There are two reasons not to do this. One, he will feel insulted as you are implying he is not trustworthy. Second, it is near impossible to hide a handbag and besides you always need something that's in it as it is so essential.

I have never found the perfect handbag closure. By this I mean how it is sealed, such as a zipper, clasp or flap. Some handbags have none for ease of access. The trouble is that means anyone's ease of access. Zips are difficult to open one handed when holding something in your other hand, clasps rarely meet the other clasp to snap shut and flaps are just a plain nuisance. My present handbag is open but also has a large zipped section and this is a good compromise.

At night I leave my bag on the floor near my bed. I don't know why I do this except that perhaps if a burglar goes for it I can grab it. Naturally the notion of grabbing anything from a burglar is ludicrous. I would simply play possum and pretend to be asleep and hope he or she goes away leaving me unharmed.

Once I left some chocolate in my handbag. That night I heard a rustling sound coming from within. I knew who the culprit was so just reached over and tipped the bag on its side. The mouse ran off. This happened for two more nights until it occurred to me that there must be food in my bag. I had the sense to remove it. Mice really love chocolate much better than they do cheese.

The handbag as security item
The handbag as security item

A handbag is ready at all times to be taken with you from your house. As such it is nothing like a human being. Like a good boy scout it is always prepared. I feel that my handbag is my fifth limb. It should function perfectly and not stand out and make me look foolish in any way but blend into the whole as if a part of me that no one notices.

While I'm not interested in a handbag as a fashion item it is still an essential. A woman's handbag is her best friend, her companion on all her journeys and her safe place. If necessary it is also her security as she can whack someone on the head with it. I caution against carrying a brick in it, however, as these are heavy and likely to throw your back out.

THE END.

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