A Happy Ending After All
Today I found myself wallowing in my misery. Things seemed bad, yet not bad enough to be as unstable as I was. I longed for something. Something I could do, feel, or sing, anything to ease such an unruly feeling; where normally I would be happy. Finding the positive even was a drag. I wasn’t sure if I missed him; a man I loved so dearly and well our story is much too complicated to venture into but non the less I did miss him and he had gone. Although, when he left before I always knew it wouldn't be long before I’d see him and even if I was angry with him talking to him and seeing him was beautiful and always moved me to peace. But this time he was gone. Off to pursue his dreams and chase his goals. He would hit the road after training and I for the first time had no idea when I would see him again. Simultaneously I came to the realization, I am at a young enough age to still have a bright future but old enough to be better established. I reside in my parents’ house with a seven year old who is dependent on me. I've been working on my business and trying to change the bad qualities in myself and discover who I am, and yet it seemed as if the harder I pushed the more my dreams, goals, and plans slipped away. I walked around the house knowing the power of my own thoughts and I prayed hoping I’d get myself out of this sad unnecessary trans I had so easily slipped into. And although writing crossed my mind it seemed at a lease something a wanted to do. I slept for days and wondered in my mind seeking answers. How can I keep going? What am I to do? What is my next move? Finally something moved me to sit at my mother’s computer. And I had no desire to do anything. Even though I have tons I could work on to move me forward in my business ventures.
What is faith? I’ve learned its acting even when you do not know what to do. So I ventured through a few social media sites and hubs and slowly found myself moved by some really good writing. I’m listening to Reason Yiruma arranged by Kelvin Lee on repeat and finally the light shines through in my mind. And I finally found the strength to write. A passion I had somehow extinguished or viewed as a burden. And I found I didn't want to write my pain but instead my joy, my love, my peace, my journey, and discoveries.
Although heartbroken by the man I spoke of earlier, I never felt such love and compassion as his. How could a man be capable of loving so much? When I was with him my energy just flowed with his and I wanted to give him all of me in every way. Every one expresses, feels and perceives love differently. And only by taking bits and pieces of others stories and music and experiences will allow you to describe how you feel personally; if you have not the capability to truly describe how you feel. And although I feel I lack the education and vocabulary to fully describe my feelings, I believe more that there isn't words to describe this feeling. Maybe a combination of music and cleverly written words would do better but in any case I’ll do my best to explain such a beautiful feeling I feel every woman should experience.
Apart of me didn't want to open up to him because of pain in the past but he brought it out of me. I would find myself in tears of unexplained happiness as he lay on my lap and I rubbed his head. A simple connection exhibited so much intimacy. He grab my hand and helped me out of a dark place in my mind. And I could see life again through untainted eyes. The dark shield the world had covered my site with, he slowly removed and there he stood; tall, handsome, and glistening in every light from the sky. Just to be near him I began feeling tingly, more than just arousal but mentally and from my every fiber within. He had managed to challenge me, touching both my mind and heart. And for a moment I thought this was unreal, how I could love this man so much. I wanted to do nothing but be around him all the time. The look in his big round eyes moved me and motivated me in ways I could never imagine. The talk of his plans and his visions excited me and I hung on to every word. When he held my hand I felt as if he could never lead me astray and my trust in him grew the tighter we squeezed. I felt secure in his arms as if no one nowhere could get to me and he would always be there to protect me. And when I lie on his chest I would drift off to a special paradise only I was allowed. All I wanted was to make him happy, take care of him, and aid him in every way humanly possible to achieve his life’s mission. I think of his smile and his love and he rendered such strong emotion in everything and anyone he met no matter the feeling. His power physically and mentally radiated from his very being. Making love to him changed my life. Never had a man had me so open mentally and physically. I wanted to give him my everything and so I did. Falling deeper in love with him every day. The connection I still feel when I am around him is indescribable. It’s like the ocean beating on the sand. The wind blowing calmly. The smell of orchids and roses filling the air. Birds singing, bells ringing and light music softly playing. The acoustic guitar in complete harmony with the piano and the softest touch down you neck and your skin trembling excitedly. Your tummy turning flips and your mind alerts all of your senses. All which I've previously describe together at once. That’s how I felt and still feel when I’m with him. And although life has taken us separate ways, I love him and I have no regrets. I also never felt a pain as I felt when we parted but the privilege of experiencing what is possible to receive and most important what’s possible for me to give is an incredible wonderful gift I’ll always cherish. So I find peace knowing this was a beautiful life lesson. And to know I could feel this way with someone I wasn't meant to spend life with I can barely imagine what’s in store for the right person.
So after weeks of wondering and looking. I got it. I’m motivated and I would not change anything I've experienced.I'd keep the good as well as the bad. Everything has it purpose and everything happens for a reason. And I've learned must important that it’s my perception and my choice what I take, what’s learned and what I decide to do with life’s lessons. So I’ll continue to grow, love and be at peace as much as I can. And I’ll continue to search for the light in every situation. The end of yours or any story is either good or bad depending on your point of view.