A HubNuggets Guide to the Galaxy: A Tribute to Hitchhikers' Guide to the Galaxy
Ship's Log, United Federation of Pages HubShip Hubbertise, Stardate 03.26.2010, Gamma Quadrant: Tactical Officer RedElf reporting:
The Vogon Constructor Fleet nearly consumed our Hubcraft in their quest to dot the margins of their interstellar Highway with luxury, designer planets. Only some quick maneuvering by Pilot Ripplemaker kept us from a crushing end. Twisted hulks of deconstructed space-liners litter the shoulders of the super highway in this quadrant - a mute testament to the insanity of indiscriminate inter-galactic paving. Hopefully, diverting the Vogons to S--Murphystan will derail their agenda, at least for a time, if our experience there was anything to go by.
But I digress... We escaped unscathed, and Captain Anderson with Science Officer PI 3.1417hub1417hub have donned spacesuits to check the hull for damage, while Commander Evilpants and his sidekick, Ensign "HubNuggets" Hank, have repaired to the spirits locker, where they are conducting an inventory of our ales, beers, wines, and "hard likker" (that, I believe, is the term they used). We are still all feeling a bit "blue" but the commander and Ensign Hanks are the last of us to lose their taste for Curacao.
It is their third such inventory, and Security Chief Zsuzsy Bee is keeping a close eye on the pair, especially since the Australian Ale incident in the "Casino At The Edge Of The Universe", which resulted in the untimely disappearance of RIpplemaker. True, we did find her, three days later, in a little-used storeroom below the aft, after deck, discussing self esteem with a passing Betelgeusian who sensed her positivity and beamed over to chat.
<The mellifluous voice of the ship's computer breaks in, politely.>
"Excuse me, Officer RedElf, I have Mission Control on subspace..."
"Certainly, put them through - Greetings, Admiral Menayan, Commander Ruud..."
"Greetings, Officer Elf. Great news on your team's last consignment of HubNugget Wannabes - Marketing is thrilled with the high quality of the Wannabees. Commander Ruud and her people have been communicating awesomely about them! Well done! My compliments to Captain Anderson and the entire team!"
"Thank you, sirs," I began, wisely refraining from asking Admiral Menayan if his "tan" was beginning to fade, just as Commander Ruud broke in.
"Maddie here, kitty - we've been reviewing Captain Anderson's report of your mission to the Gamma Quadrant. You'll need to be extra vigilant. We wouldn't care to have any Wannabees accidentally paved over."
"Certainly, Commander," I replied, snapping to attention.
"...and, kitty, stay out of the men's room. Commander Evilpants says you're making Ensign Hank nervous. As illuminating as your videographies of the cubical doors were - and in all fairness, they received some of the highest ratings ever on ViewTube - you'll have to record your historical data in more conventional settings from now on. Mission Control out."
I could feel myself blushing to the roots of my fur. Thankfully, Captain Anderson and Science Officer PI were still working on the hull repairs. Both the captain and the science officer were extremely supportive of my historiographical interests, but of late the Science Officer seems preoccupied with some research of her own, and often mutters about "sugaring the lobsters".
She and Chief Bee have been poring over some ancient texts they unearthed back at our last stop. They've run the texts through every linguistics program we have, but so far, they have only been able to decode a small segment of the long-dead language. We are not sure of the significance of the answer yet - the segment just repeats the same thing over and over. (Kinda reminds me of Science Officer PI's full name.) Perhaps if we knew the right question to ask, the number "42" would have more meaning.
The captain suggested they run it through Ripplemaker's universal translator - the one she used to inter-galactically publish her mega-blockbuster self-help manuals. You've probably read them: "Finding your Inner Alien", "I'm OK, You're an Alien", and "Embrace Your
Inner Alien". Ripplemaker is off just now, zipping ahead in her new hubship, spreading joy and looking for HubNugget Wannabees to notify. She also said something about cheering up a depressed robot named Marvin.
<Science Officer PI rushes in, side arm at the ready>
"Captain Anderson needs us on the bridge, Officer Elf. Bring the disinto-T-ray."
"Wow, she means business," I thought. The newly developed weapon-of-mass-de-construction temporarily dis-integrates anything it is pointed at, storing the offending organism in a "time-out" capsule until it calms down and promises to behave.
As I followed the Sci-PI (that's our affectionate nick-name for Science Officer PI 3.1417hub1417hub) to the bridge carrying the heavy ray-gun and a very, very, very long extension cord to plug it in (the Hubbertise is a great ship, but the only plug-in is in the galley) we could hear the sounds of a scuffle and loud voices shouting "Don't panic!"
We arrived to see a strange trio backed into one corner of the bridge. Commander Evilpants and Ensign Hank were pelting them with root vegetables from the galley cooler (which just happens to be located next to the spirits locker).
out from underfoot, having had my tail stepped on more than once
in the last of these frays and quickly scampered
down seventeen decks, heading for the galley with the extension cord to plug in the
disinto-T-ray. Meanwhile, Chief Bee threw herself
bravely into the melee, alongside Science Officer PI and our two brave lads.
After Captain Anderson and Sci-PI rescued the hapless intruders from the rain of vegetables, we recognized one as Ford Prefect, the Betelgeusian we'd met in the aft, after-cabin, chatting with Ripplemaker.
He explained that he and his two friends, Arthur, a Terran, and a two-headed chap by the name of Zaphod, merely wanted to hitch a ride out of the Gamma Quadrant. Their space ship, the fastest in the galaxy, had broken down, and they were desperate to get back to Earth.
The three were disappointed when Chief Bee explained it was against Hub Fleet policy to pick up hitchhikers, but Captain Anderson offered a tow to our next port of call, as long as they would all behave so we could deliver our cargo, and head in for re-fit. Then everyone would be able to get down to the serious business of reading the latest batch of HubNugget Wannabees, and then voting for their favorites.
Only this week, from the Hub Pages Galaxy not so far, far away...
The Games, Toys, & Hobbies Nominees
- Come Swing With Me
This time of year, most kids are itching to go outside and play. After being cooped up in the house all winter, who blames them? Swingsets offer children a variety of activities that promote physical...
- Mississippi Agates
I've been told that the agates I find in South Mississippi are Lake Superior Agates, but they look similar to many agates the world around (not just one location). I haven't found too many pictures that...
- Ms. Pac Man - Back to the Classics of Arcade Games
Flickr photo by Marcin Wichary In a day where video games are increasingly complex, violent and sensual - Ms. Pac Man is a stark contrast. We have managed to devolve from Ms. Pac Man to Grand Theft Auto in...
Which one of this week's Games, Toys, & Hobbies nominees is your favorite?
- 10% Come Swing With Me
- 41% Superman Supplies Million Dollar Comic Book Auction
- 13% Learn How to Play Cribbage the Easy Way
- 6% These Cookie Jars Are The Real McCoy
- 21% Mississippi Agates
- 9% Ms. Pac Man - Back to the Classics of Arcade Games
This poll is now closed to voting.
The Pets & Animals Nominees
- Beautiful Butterflies: Great Pics and Fascinating Facts
There are nearly 24,000 different kinds of butterflies. Central and South America have the highest number of species, as well as the Amazon basin. Despite the wide variety in these areas, Asia has the largest...
Which one of this week's Pets & Animals nominees is your favorite?
- 23% Beautiful Butterflies: Great Pics and Fascinating Facts
- 6% Dingo- Australia's Most Controversal Animal
- 7% How to meet sheep
- 2% Iguanas As Pets
- 55% To All the Cats I've Loved Before
- 6% Your Dog's First Night Home
This poll is now closed to voting.
The Arts & Crafts Nominees
- Artistic Inspirations
Most of my art pieces are based on experiences from my everyday life. You can never run out of ideas to create a masterpiece if you just look around and learn to derive pleasure and happiness from little...
- How to Make Pysanky, Ukrainian Easter Eggs
Pysanky are Ukrainian Easter eggs and can be stunningly beautiful works of art. They are made by "drawing" on eggs with hot wax and dyeing the eggs a succession of colors. At the end, when the wax is melted...
- Make Elf Dolls Out of Felt and Beads
When I was young, my mom came up with a way to make little elf dolls using felt, beads, pipe cleaner, thread, and a little glue. They have star-shaped bodies, scarves and hats wrapped around their heads. My...
- Sew Your Own: Zippered Laptop Sleeve
There it is! Want to make your own laptop sleeve as durable as what you could buy in the store but more amazing? All it takes is a little outdoor fabric, some zippers, some batting, and some applique. Before...
Which one of this week's Arts & Crafts nominees is your favorite?
- 40% Artistic Inspirations
- 20% Coastal pinhole photography
- 8% How To Become A Cartoonist
- 8% How to Make Pysanky, Ukrainian Easter Eggs
- 2% Make Elf Dolls Out of Felt and Beads
- 21% Sew Your Own: Zippered Laptop Sleeve
This poll is now closed to voting.
So long, and thanks for the fish!
Original images by Elle Fredine, from wallpaper at tip-kit.com and photo at thefilmist.wordpress.com
© 2010 RedElf