A Journey in Control?
I know no one wants to believe these things happen, and of course not to them, but it is degrading, un-comfortable and so a lose of your control, and yes we all want control.
Children have no real idea till they too become ELDERLY and see what it is you have been going through, because they are now experiencing some of these very things. It will not happen to them, no way, they are so in control, yet they know inside it could be them in a few years, and wish they were more prepared, for the sake of their children.
Like yesterday when I put the coffeepot on the edge of the sink to fill it with water and knew it might tip over, but I was THERE so I would be able to control it, yet one second too late it fell over and broke...I was so pissed off at myself, now I needed to go buy a new one and wanted my coffee. Okay... so I went and bought a new one, on sale yet, only to be so disgusted with myself, all plastic and I know heated plastic is now bad for us , and now I wish I had spent a few more dollars and bought a stainless steel one. So now I will ask for it for Christmas...
My lack of reasonable reasoning makes me so angry with myself...and I am going to return it...it is one of those kinds that you just push on the bar and your coffee goes into your cup...nice concept, I agree, no glass to break.
Easy isn't the answer to life, or anything worth while...common sense seems to work better, though it seems hard to come by. Love comes in many ways also...but Love is the main reason we survive. There is no substitute for it. True, un-adulterated, caring, genuine, soul felt Love. Taking your time to find it is essential, you cannot change someone, and should never think you can. Why would you? Do you want to be changed to please someone else..? I don't think so.
We are who we are. we do what we do, sometimes understanding why and sometimes never figuring it out, completely. As we go through life, making mistakes and then learning from them we become a better person, strong and more experienced, knowledge we retain, somethings are just never meant to be, just to remain in your heart, making you wiser and honest. Making you a more complete person, just from the dreams that came about from the love you were fortunate enough to share.
Alone is a hard place to end up in. Once you get used to it, it seems ok, but at times it is so aggravating, things become difficult to do anymore. No one except the cat to talk too, to yell at when you stub your toe, or you can't reach the bowl placed too high for your short arms to grasp.
When the kids come to visit and take over your house, won't even let you cook in your own kitchen, because they think you should take it easy , Hell I take it easy everyday anymore and that is why I am so bored, get depressed and long for someone, anyone (almost) to share my time left on earth with.
It gets very difficult during the Holidays, the children have children and they are very busy, both parents working to make ends meet these days, families further apart on the map and me too old to want a big change in my location. I am set in my ways, they are all I know and so a part of me, I cannot think about any happy way to change, and I don't want to change. I am who I am, I am where I am, and I do what I want to do, when I want.
Yes...I am an old lady set in my ways now, and actually most of the time Like it this way.
I see my mother with Alzheimer's Disease, and she is now 90, her body in fairly good health, just her mind is like Swiss cheese, holes that her thoughts drop off into and she can't remember what she was saying or where her thoughts were headed, as she tries with garbled noises to tell me. As she tries to vocalize her past experiences and knowledge, her faith in God still very much on her mind. Sometimes she lashes back, she cries, she hits, she spits , she yells, all in frustration of losing what she once had in the way of being in control. Even her body has lost some of it's control, and it is a shameless way to feel.
Yet her smile can make me feel so good, her bright blue eyes glisten when she is happy, happy maybe just in the moment, but happy shows through all the hardship, all the struggles and the lose of control. I just pray for the same.
Control comes in many ways. It has many meanings. We all have our own Ideas of what they are. As long as YOU can control yourself I believe you are in a good place, following what you know is right and true from your very existence, your heart will lead the way, if only you can hear and chose to listen to the Angels that guide you on your Life's journey. a journey we all make. A journey that is over way to quickly. A journey that you may or may not leave footprints in, but a journey that will earn you what is promised, a freedom from needing control, a freedom to be happy, and loved.
The journey is never an easy one, but why not enjoy it, take it as it comes and do your best at what you do, why not try to make life easier for someone else, besides yourself ?
Okay, don't ask me where this all came from, but I believe it comes from getting old, and knowing my time is limited... just by "Time" itself. We will all go through it...Just pace yourself...:O) Hugs G-Ma