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A Special Kind of Pain

Updated on February 13, 2014

Prepared or not, life changes.

She's pregnant? I ask,

praying I heard wrong.

But inside I know

Those were the words.

In an instant the emotions hit me,

my eyes suddenly wet.

Like a kick to the stomach,

I am staggered.

It cannot be, not my baby,

she's not yet fifteen.

She is not ready for this,

no one is at that age.

I am not ready for this,

not to be a grandfather.

I am not ready for this,

for my baby to have a baby.

Instantly I feel a loss,

for our lives have changed.

A voice inside me is screaming

but no sound comes from my lips.

Babies should mean joy

and I've never felt more sad.

This child has been my buddy,

but in this moment everything is altered.

Our lives and hers changed forever,

of that there is no doubt.

In my mind I see all the things

that she will not have the freedom to do.

She chose not to listen

When I warned her of this boy.

He will be long gone before this child is born,

repeating his pain later for two other families as well.

I am a failure, a failure as a parent.

And I am embarrassed.

Ashamed of my inability

to prevent this from happening.

I want to run far away,

I feel a constant crushing weight.

For I can see so clearly what lies ahead

for my daughter who is completely unprepared.

The months rush by too quickly,

often when I am alone I cry.

It is a terrible stress

for the entire family.

And then a baby is born.

I pay her little attention at first.

I lost my youngest, in a sense, before I was ready.

I will not allow myself to have that connection again.

But then one day, a crying,

cranky baby is thrust in papa's arms.

She is suddenly quiet and content.

She clutches papa's finger and I smile.


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    • FlourishAnyway profile image


      3 years ago from USA

      A very sobering poem, so good. Thank you for writing this. Voted up and more.

    • manatita44 profile image


      4 years ago from london

      Joy and sorrow. They intermingle. We are all part of this destiny that dances on our foreheads.

      Sweet event and hoping that all is beautiful!! Peace.

    • animalman profile imageAUTHOR


      4 years ago from East Providence, RI

      Thanks so much. It was a dark period and to this day There are only a couple people I can talk to about that time without becoming quite emotional and it took place 15 years ago!

    • headshrinker profile image


      4 years ago from Western Massachusetts

      What a picture you painted. The pain, sense of loss and the embarrassment. My brother went through this it was awful, almost ended his marriage. He still has trouble talking about that time in his life. I hope you are in a good place now. I'm voting awesome on this one.


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