A Beeping Washing Machine - What Kind of Genius Thought That Up?
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Does anybody know who invented the beeping washing machine? I'm trying to imagine the thought process of the person or persons who conceived that spark of ingenuity.
I bet they phoned home to their nearest and dearest, cock-a-hoop with their day's work, gushing expansively about the life of celebrity they were duly to embark upon, whilst dreaming of their big moment ascending the podium to feign modesty as they accept their Nobel Prize. "I should think a half hour speech will be sufficient Mum - I shouldn't think Albert Einstein liked to rabbit on too much about his genius, either. Its not at all becoming of someone of my scientific stature."
I can understand the whistling kettle, but who needs a washing machine nagging at them - bragging incessantly about its latest triumph?
I don’t need beeping at, to know when its mission is accomplished. I know straight away, because the house stops shaking and I can chance a sip of my tea without any fear of getting it all over me. These beeps are about as redundant as bombing a third World country, then giving them a wee courtesy tinkle on the dog-an’-bone, just to let them know, that you've stopped for a tea break.
“Yeah, we clocked that,” (somewhat tetchily,) “when our homes stopped collapsing around our heads.”
The thing's self-obsessed - it goes, “Meee-meee-meeep.” Then it takes a break - just long enough for the vexed mind to settle a bit - and then off it goes again, with its automated nagging.
What’s the urgency? What’s it going to do? Will the washing suck the pee and pooh back up the drainage pipe - and start soiling itself again? Will it try to escape out the porthole and off out the back door? Is it like a merry-go-round at the fair? “Step right up, all aboard - get your tickets here! Next wash begins in thirty seconds - sharp!”
Should I be concerned that it might start the next cycle before I’ve managed to accumulate my next set of skid marks? Is it beeping to warn me of the impending disaster - the dire consequences - if I don’t get my wife’s knickers out of the way before the beeps stop? (Don’t look for innuendo - and you won't find it.)
I think it’s a conspiracy against me and she’s behind the whole thing. I bet they invited her along to a studio somewhere in the Far East where they design the naffin’ things.
Or maybe she’s gone into the showroom, and asked, “Have you got any of these washing machines that keep beeping irritatingly at my husband while he’s working in the kitchen and I’m at the other end of the house?”
“Indeed we have Madam; we have them in white, silver, black, brown with yellow polka dots...”
“Never mind the colour - as long as it beeps. I would like the most irritating and unnecessarily insistent beeping washing machine in the shop. The price is no object; I don’t care about the recession; I don’t care about EU rules and regulations. If that shower of parasites have anything to say about the matter - refer them to me - the customer’s always right - especially in my house.”
“We have this model here Madam, which will wash your clothes, tumble-dry them, iron the shirts, change nappies (diapers) and play 'God Save the Queen' ('The Star Spangled Banner') - all at super fast speed.”
“God Save The Queen’, at super fast speed!?"
"Er... yes Madam, it’s a bit like 'The Star Spangled Banner' at super fast speed - on tranquillisers."
"Does it irritate husbands?”
“Hmm, well... you’d really need one specifically designed to beep irritatingly, for that - Madam.”
“Thought so - I don’t want any of your second rate rubbish! What about that one? How irritatingly does that one beep? I don’t care if it takes all week as long as I have a sufficiently irritated husband at the end of it! I want to switch that baby on, then disappear out of beep-shot so that that annoying old goat either has to hang up the washing straight away, or go gaga. The latter option is preferable - although I’m not sure it hasn’t happened already. And, by the way, I don’t want any disclaimers in the warranty that puts the blame on me if he tops himself, out of anger and irritation. Have you anything like that in stock? I could do with it installed before the holidays. He always wants to tag along and he just spoils the fun. What, with that “stupid prostate” of his, he wants to piddle every time he sees a lamppost”
“Did you say, “Stupid prostate” - Madam?”
“His words - not mine. If you ask me, he’s blaming the wrong department for the stupidity. Same old story - upstairs takes the credit, downstairs gets the blame. ‘Lions led by donkeys’ - although, I have to say, in his case, that’s quite the wrong analogy. He’s neither a lion nor a donkey in that department! Mind you - I reckon that prostate knows what it’s doing, causing all that irritation!
“I suppose so - Madam...”
“That machine, over there! What’s the beeper like, on that machine? Would it irritate any better than a prostate?”
“Ahrmm, I wouldn’t like to guarantee that you’d be entirely satisfied with that one - Madam. Unfortunately, the beep is quite dulcet. Then it's followed by Julie Andrews singing, ‘My Favourite Things’.”
"Julie chuffin’ Andrews? Gordon Bennett (UK profanity)! That's not gonna irritate many prostates..."
"However, we have a model here Madam, which has a particularly irritating beep, followed by a slanging match between Ian Paisley and Colonel Gaddafi, shouting personal abuse at one another across the Grand Canyon in the United States of America - Madam. With, of course, Ann Widdecombe acting as adjudicator."
"But, of course - indeed. Young man you're a star! When can you deliver?"
"We try to please Madam. Would you like extended cover with this item - Madam?”
“How long is the beep covered for? I don’t want that beep letting me down!”
“Well, how long would you need the beep to be covered for, Madam?”
“How should I know? I don’t know how long the silly old bogger’s gonna live. Six months should maybe do it, depending on the severity of the beeps. Here - wait a minute! I reckon my Statutory Rights should cover that.”
“I’m afraid your Statutory Rights only cover parts and labour costs, Madam. The beeps are a special feature. It’s in the EU rulebook, under Irritating Beeps and Distraught Spouses - Section 2012, Madam - just next to Section 2013; the one about straight bananas.”
“Ah well, never mind - better give me a year’s extended cover just to make sure then.”