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A little lost.. looking to be set free
He comes to me with a plea
He wants to be no burden on anybody
He tells me his plan
It does not involve any other man
It's his plan
He's seen many people and fights off the demons
Understandable he is never to escape
Easier to give in than to fight
We describe his options to which he cares not for
Funny thing, no one has heard from of of him again
Maybe he succeeded in his plan without any other man?
Do you pray for someone.. for someone who has cursed every waking day?
Or do we celebrate his entrance into a better place? Who's better off?
I sit here at my desk thinking of this 20 something young man. He was a bright, intelligent and charismatic soul who came a long ways from home to start something nice and new and fresh. In a way he was running from all that he has known, eager to re-assemble himself.
He shared his story, of where he'd come from, what he had come from. It was a bleak and rather gruesome past, one that he thought would persist if he had stayed. What he thought he was coming to... salvation, a place of hope and safety, turned out to be much more than he bargained for.
His ideas of life and love, of freedom and acceptance did not perservere in this new environment. He became listless, not because the past was catchin up with him, not because of what terrible events he had been through, but because of the confusion and contorsion of reality he was facing in the now.
Arriving in a new place of happy, smiley people, of people who were jovial and accommodating was something that he would forever cherish. Though that was a fleeting time. These happy, smiley, social, jovial people would turn out to be less accommodating, less willing to accept him for who he was, and eventually would have expectations he would... he could.... not ever live up to. He was new, and different, and exotic. With that came the desire of many to befriend, to affiliate with, to capture. This new place with these new people slowly became a ravenous frenzie of vampires.... sucking the emotional goodness out of him. He was not being seen as a person. No, he existed to be arm candy, to be the Sears cut out picture in some new wallet. He knew he was being used. He slowly diminished the score of individuals he trusted. And he choose only one. One true friend who would know his whole life, his tainted past, his fragility and vulnerability.
This traitor had thrown all of this young mans trust and decency out the window on a drunken night hanging out with drunken friends. The young man became fodder for "Oh poor guy, I can't imagine coming from that place and living through what he had". he also became the joke of the group. His vulnerabilty was used as a means to solidify one drunken classmates' connection to the masses. He could never trust again.
I don't know how I came to be the one. The person he chose to disclose his plan, but, maybe he knew something about me I never did? We shared three or four very candid conversations. I shared with him what I thought could be ways to deal with being betrayed, how to get a handle on all the terrible emptiness he was feeling, I met with a councellor on his behalf, I called the help line as he sat in the common area lounger and he told me what to say. He promised to meet with a councellor, we left everything on good terms.
Good terms..... it was the last of the spring semestre, nothing left to do but put the last boxes into the back of my parents Pontiac Sunfire, to wave good by to my roommate, and hug a few close girl friends I didn't know I would ever see again. He was nowhere to be seen.
Since that semestre I have looked into the topic of suicide. I read the churches views, I even met with a Priest to see if today's standards mirrored what had been written. For the most part they had, however, I got the feeling if the successful actor was a regularly showing member of the church there could be amendments made. Small town and all.
I will never know what it was like to live a day in this young man's shoes, I will never know the hurt, the pain, the excruciating shame. I will forever, be touched by this young vibrant man... and hopefully live my life as I felt he would have... living every day for himself, sharing with those who care for him, and thanking the powers that be for every waking moment.
- Night Falls Fast: Understanding Suicide: Amazon.ca: Kay Redfield Jamison: Books
Night Falls Fast: Understanding Suicide: Amazon.ca: Kay Redfield Jamison: Books