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A size 28 straight jean.... are you sure? Asks the confused Cockney.

Updated on January 12, 2015

How old?!?!?!

Yes, I asked the dreaded question. How old are the jeans you're wearing? Was Clinton still President when your current pair of jeans was fresh from it's purchase at the store? Or perhaps I should have asked, how MUCH you paid for them in the sales? Convincing yourself that they were exactly the right pair, right style and WOOHOOO the right price! Well the percentages are against you dear, as most of the time people are wearing entirely the wrong cut for their shape and more than probably the wrong size too. That's not to say that you can't possibly be in the small percentage of people that's entirely aware of what cut and size they should be wearing. However, keep in mind that I said small percentage. Therefore those jeans that currently adorn your buttocks and fit like a well worn glove have probably been in residence for quite some time, but that doesn't mean they are the right pair.....

The history of jeans

While we're discussing time, very few upright and wandering beings on the planet earth are entirely unaware of the origins of the American jean, however for those of you that still exist, here's a lesson in Jean History 101. The history of jeans predates Levi Strauss and originates from Italy and France as far back as the 17th century, soon becoming the fabric of choice for the working class. The dye originated from indigo bush plantations in India and the method later became synthesized by the Germans. Yes, it took that much thought to make your jeans that happy denim color. However it was of course Levi Strauss & Co that first introduced blue jean overalls in the U.S in 1873 and were the pioneers of the now infamous copper rivets. They were worn by factory workers and weren't even popular until James Dean came along and made them a very hot yet dangerous piece of clothing in the 1950s. By the 1970s it was a little safer to don that denim and it's popularity soon surged with home-makers and hippies alike

Wrong size, wrong cut, time to return

Imagine the scene. The pair of jeans that you have fallen madly in love with that you have been stalking online for the past 2 months has finally decided to go on sale. Hurry! You HAVE to buy it before your girlfriend who you had lunch with last week buys it, as she was also gazing adoringly at the same pair and you know for FACT that you look better in them than she does! Well there's your first mistake. You got emotional over a pair of jeans. It was love at first sight and you just know that this pair will be THE pair that makes you look like a catwalk model, regardless of the fact that you have been binge eating for the past week. You finally make it to the mall on your lunch break, can't find any parking, get to the store already entirely frustrated and 50 other women are looking at the same pair of jeans as you and you panic, so what do you do? BUY, BUY, BUY! But you don't try, try or even TRY! You won't even allow for the possibility that this brand of jean fits differently so you may need a different size, or even that those skinny jeans have simply NEVER looked good on you in the past. Oh no, this pair of jeans is different. So now imagine the same stalking scenario takes place online and your finger 'accidentally' hits the 'confirm order' button. Once more you're elated as you bought the jeans before they sold out and ha ha ha to the other women who didn't wake up early enough and check out the website.More fool them. Or were they perhaps just a little more in tune with what jeans they should be wearing? Probably not. They'll probably replay out the same scenario you just did at a later point in the day. Either way, it just didn't work out. The romance has ended and it's time to return that pair of cheating denim from whence it came.

But why?

What really went wrong?

Why are you still asking me this question? The answer is, you didn't bother to try them on - OBVIOUSLY. The denim picture in your head never matched up to the reality, and I can tell you why. There is NO universal body type that looks fabulous in every bit of jean that will ever be created. Even Kate Moss can look bad in the wrong pair of boot cut jeans. In a world where varying boot cuts, straight jeans, skinny jeans, stretchy jeans and legging jeans exist, it's just not possible that you look good in them all. So next time you're rummaging through the sale wall, trying to convince yourself that those straight jeans were just the wrong wash the last time, please remind yourself of this conversation. You were right here when we talked about it, so don't pretend that you weren't.

It's the Size that counts

My advice

You read the title so listen very carefully. Go BACK to the store and actually try not only your usual size, but one size up and one size down while you're at it. Try a different cut, experiment a little bit and you'll be surprised at what you find. Chances are, you've been wearing the incorrect size in that style or a style that should never have even been entertained in your sphere of the jean universe to begin with. Take a friend while you're at it, because if they're a good friend then they'll have no problem telling you that you look like an overcooked cupcake in the pair that you so obviously adore. Oh and here's the disclaimer before I step down from my denim covered pulpit - just because you're a 28 in a legging jean, really doesn't mean you're still a 28 when trying on a boyfriend cut. It just doesn't translate in jean terms, whether you can accept that truth or not.

The Golden Years

How old are your favorite pair of jeans?

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The denim show must go on

We've almost arrived. Our denim adventure into the dark depths of your closet of incorrect jeans is nearing it's final destination. Let me sign off by saying that as as simple as you (or I of for that matter) thought it was to purchase the perfect pair of jeans, don't be so easily duped. With every new and ever changing clothing season, comes a new cut, a new wash or color and possibly even a new type of denim. So remember this - Just as the jeans adapt to the current times and continue to evolve with new trends, you must also do the same - and don't forget to bring your ever changing frames with you.

Cheers dears!

Jean Stats

  • The average age of the oldest pair of jeans in a woman's closet is 6 years. One-fifth of women (20%) have owned at least one pair of jeans for 10 years or more.
  • Women typically wash their jeans after 2-3 wears and nearly one third (30%) wash their jeans every time they wear them.
  • The majority (91%) of women own at least one pair of jeans. Women own 7 pairs on average (1 in 4 women owns 10 or more), but they wear just 4 pairs on a regular basis.
  • Thirty-one percent of women say they refuse to go up a size to find jeans that fit, 50 percent are holding onto a pair of their "skinny jeans" in hopes of squeezing into them again, and 62 percent use their jeans as a measure of whether they need to lose weight.
  • Women (54%) generally like the way they look in jeans. Forty percent of women admit they feel sexy in their jeans but 8% dislike or hate the way they look.

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