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A waltz for the final fragmenting symphony
Fragments of the sleeping world
Fading, I watch you skip to the dressing table. No longer having to stand on your toes, you turn on the radio. I’ve watched you every day, yet you seem so different. Yes, you’re taller and older; but you also seem to be someone I’ve never known before.
I know you still think about me. If you didn’t I wouldn’t be here, but I feel so lonely, so numb. I’ve watched fragments of myself chip off and flutter away every time you replace one of our memories. I’d be lying if I said it didn’t hurt. Although this isn’t physical pain, the fragments tingle and then fly away taking a part of my soul with them. I feel so empty, so hollow.
You fiddle with the buttons on the CD player until the music begins. Our music. Our song. You start swaying to the slow graceful beat of the waltz.
‘A waltz when she walks in the room, she pulls back the hair from her face.’ Singing along to the lyrics you dance our dance.
‘She turns to the window to sway in the moonlight. Even her shadow has grace.’ Suddenly memories come flooding back, I join in. The steps come naturally.
You’ve gotten better since the last time we danced, you have been taking lessons.
‘So she dances in and out of the crowd like a glance. This romance is from a far calling me silently.’ You close your eyes as you elegantly move around the room adding in twirls and spins that were never part of our dance. You were so little then, look at you now.
‘A waltz for the girl out of reach. She lifts her hands up to the sky. She moves with the music, the song is her lover. The melody’s making her cry.’ I’ve listened to this song so many times yet never understood the lyrics. Now I realise; this melody is making me cry. Not tears but fragments, memories; flowing from my eyes as I dance.
‘A waltz for the chance I should take, but how will I know where to start? She’s spinning between constellations and dreams, rhythm is my beating heart.’ The rhythm is my beating heart. This song is me. Without this song I don’t exist. You created me while dancing to this song.
The music dies down and just the magical voice of Josh Groban can be heard,
‘When I close my eyes I can see the spotlights are bright and on you and on me. We’ve got the floor and you’re in my arms. How could I ask for more?’ The music flares up with violins and drums. I glide towards you and place my hand in yours, it melts straight through. I know you don’t notice me standing there, but still I dance. We’ve got the floor and you’re in my arms for the very last time. I’m fading. You don’t need me anymore.
‘So she dances in and out of the crowd like a glance.’ Fragments of myself keep breaking off and swirling around the room to the beat. One, two, three. ‘This romance is from a far calling me silently.’ Your eyes are closed and so are mine. Flash backs pop into my vision; that little girl with messy hair and painted-red cheeks calling me to dance with her. Now I look at you and I see the potential of a beautiful young woman. You’ve lost that baby fat, your face has matured. Your hair used to be a white gold, it’s darkened slightly to dirty blonde.
‘I can’t keep on watching forever.’ I can’t. I long to see you grow up, I wish I could see you perform your first show. But I can’t keep on watching forever.
I sing the final words out loud, ‘I’d give up this view just to tell her.’ As the music starts to fade you pose in your final position. I’m just an outline now, the swirling fragments of myself are disappearing. I slowly reach my hand out towards your soft cheek. The outline of my fingers stroke your face for the very last time. My body starts to fade completely. You stand there, so still and unaware, and I just stare.
I’m just a hand, a fragment of who I once was, a fragment of you. The final note of the song plays. Drawing out for what felt like forever, I want it to last longer. I want it to last for an infinity of eternities. But it can’t. You are the girl out of reach and I no longer exist. I guess I never existed. I’m just your imaginary friend, you’re growing up and letting go. This is our last dance. And now, as you turn your head, I disappear. I am just a memory, and forever I’ll dance. Forever I’ll be just a glance in the crowd of your mind somewhere.
‘So she dances in and out of the crowd like a glance.’