A Letter from the Past
A letter from the past brings up feelings from the past of lost time, love, sorrow, life and regret.
We are moving again but just to the lake house full time. You would like it there. You always did like the water. While I was going through sorting some much needed stuff I came across an envelope in the bottom of a box. It was a letter you had written to me in 2006. It is a little hard for me to read because of your eyesight has worsened but I still can read most of it. Your writing is shakier then I remember I see that now. I wish I had known at that time that it was not long before your death. How could I not have known?? There is never a certain time for death but when a person is in their later years of their life I should have known it would not be long.
Your letter came just 6 months after my promotion and 3 months after us moving here. That is not really an excuse but at that time I was still settling into my new career. Now 7 years later I know how that all would turn out. If I only had some clue that I would lose my job I would like to have thought that I would have put my family first. That is what I should have done anyway. But I didn’t. I thought there would always be time to make up for it. I truly believe you understood that. At least I hoped you understood.
I know now that I can never make up for the past and what I didn’t do or what I should have done. But you must know that you are in my thoughts a lot. I didn’t understand when I got the phone call that you were asking for me. I thought I was just being told when it was convenient to call or come and visit. Even the last time we talked I didn’t realize that would be the last time. You sounded like you always have. Maybe there was more of a softness in your voice but I guess I didn’t really listen. And that was the problem. I wasn’t hearing the message behind the call. If I had realized I would have been there. But I didn’t realize. I was in denial. It still bothers me five years later.
When my brother had his kidney transplant I was just minutes from you but I didn’t stop by. I felt like I should have called you first. So I drove on. That was just 26 days from your death. I have always regretted that decision. You wouldn’t have cared if I had just dropped in. But that is the way you taught us. We had to call first.
And now I can’t. I can’t call you. I can’t write and I can’t just stop by. The only place I can stop by is at your grave. It saddens me so to think you may have died thinking I didn’t love you, or that I didn’t love you as much as I should have. But I did.
You weren’t the typical Grandmother. You worked outside of the home when most women stayed home and most men worked but Grandpa stayed home with the kids. I have to think this is where I got my desire to have a successful career and my work ethics is from you. I also think I got my independence from you too.
You showed your love differently too. You definitely believed in tough love and did not show the typical Grandmotherly love. Sometimes your words were cutting and sharp even to the point of being hurtful. But as I grew up I realized that was just the way you were. Something’s I would ignore and something’s I just overlooked and some I took to heart. But you made me tougher and able to stand up for myself. You taught me a lot about life and about myself. You taught me how to fish, how to pick muscles, to make Swiss steak and to bake potato chip cookies. I will not forget that or forget you. I made mistakes and I am sorry for that. And I will always love you