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Updated on September 21, 2009

Life Is fun when you keep it a dog's life!

I Have A Hard Time Not Being A First Responder!

The bank has become a little like airport security. It's not a place for jokes. So why in the heck then do they ask you these really tempting questions? So the teller, wearing one of those tops that draws your eyes right to the valley between the two hills or mountains as the case might be, completes my transaction and asks, "Anything else I can do for you today, Mr. Bradley?" Well the first thing I want to say is, "Well, what did you have in mind?" And the second thing I want to say is "Give me all the 20's in your drawer!"

There's one place in town that when you buy a carton of eggs, they ask you quite loudly at the check out stand, "Can I check your eggs for you today?" The first time it happened, I almost burst out laughing. The second time, it was a very cute woman asking the rather private question, and I had the courage to ask her, "So what are you checking them for?" When she said, "cracks or to see if they're broken," I couldn't help but wince. You know, just the thought of it. "Are you okay?" she asked.

Then there is this other stupid thing they ask. "Do you want your milk in a bag?" "Heck NO, please leave it in the carton!"

Sometimes, they ask if I need help out. I so want to say, "Of course, I need to be helped out a LOT. How much money you got in that register?"

The latest one for me is going through certain drive thru's, and they tell you that you have a choice of two sides. Two sides? What? Left and right? Or democrat and republican? Or the Dodgers and the Yankees? Or are we talking sides of my body or your body? Man, I thought I was just ordering food.

I cannot keep my mouth shut when I'm standing in line behind some guy who puts up on the check-out stand two 24 packs of beer, a fifth of tequila, a gallon of milk, and a twenty-four pack of toilet paper. Now that's just obvious! If he has a lot of tats, I keep my mouth shut. But sometimes I venture forth and say, "Wow, that's an interesting combo. You want some fries with that? Wish I could powersize that for you, but I think you've already done that!".

I'm never sure what they are asking me when, again at the grocery store or supermarket, they ask if I want to donate to prostate or breast cancer. What in the heck is it that they want me to donate? I get flustered and embarrassed. I finally asked one day, what would happen if I said yes. The clerk just coincidentally picked up a box cutter and handed it to the bagger, and I quickly said, "Ah, on second thought, I'll pass today."

In recent months, being that I am self-employed and the economy is "so recovering," I've had a difficult time keeping up financially with a variety of my creditors, and they inevitably ask me why I have gotten behind. I am so tempted. "Man, I have a really serious crack habit....I starting investing in vintage wines....Your bank dropped the interest rate on my retirement account....You guys are going to too many Las Vegas "training" retreats, and it's costing me....Even though I was advised to go with the poppies, I invested all of my money in Afghanistan wheat." I mean, come on! About eleven years ago when my first wife was actually dying and I was not working as many hours, I would tell them that my wife was dying. The silence was morbidly rewarding.

So you have any of your own you want to share? You know when the Highway Patrol asks if you know how fast you were going? "Heck yea. Ever see anything that can go 150 miles an hour like this car? I notice you had a hard time keeping up. Yep, had to get that helicopter to help you out there! Hey, hey, hey. Chill out. I'll step out of the car on my own, I'll smash my own face into the hood of my car, if that will help any!"

You know when I was growing up, I knew if I stepped out of line, I'd be buried in the backyard right there next to Jimmy Hoffa. I had no idea who he was, just that he was buried in our back yard and we were not to breathe a word to anyone! ,

Enjoy laughing!



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    • vrbmft profile image

      Vernon Bradley 7 years ago from Yucaipa, California

      Thanks for the good morning laugh. On a very courageous day, I will try the breathy, "never thought you'd ask."

      A new one lately is when my clients ask if they can use my bathroom. I can't help but ask, "What are you going to use it for?" Or some folks actually ask if they can borrow it!! I say NO. I need it right here. Well, I suppose if we all kept up the laughter, something would happen! Thanks for reading and commenting, Jim

    • Jim Bryan profile image

      Jim Bryan 7 years ago from Austin, TX

      Hail and well met, vrbmft, love the Hub.

      I tend to be rather smart-mouthed myself, and detest when people beat around the bush instead of simply asking what they want of me.

      For instance, the other day one of my employees came to me and began the long and somewhat drawn out story about being scheduled to get off at seven, but that he had this "dance recital thingy" at which was to start at that time(he has a BA in Dance, so I figured it was legitimate). Though it was obvious what he wanted, he asked for nothing, simply began making statements and assumed I would draw a conclusion favorable to his circumstance. I instead replied, "Okay. Now how does that effect *my* world?" He then said, "I need to get off before seven, if possible." I was having fun and so retorted, "Yeah well, we all got needs, fella. Again, how does that effect *me*?" He became rather flustered and I had a good laugh before discussing the proper procedure for requesting time off, found out travel time to his gig, and let him go a few minutes before that.

      I might suggest that when next confronted with a question with obvious innuendo (such as during one of your grocery-store adventures) that you do your best Barry White imitation and say somthing along the lines of "Oh HELL yeah! That's what daddy likes!" or do a breathy, "I thought you'd never ask, my dear." In either case, glance left, then right, and follow with a quickly intoned "Bow-chicka-wow-wow!"

      Finally, growing up in my rather small hometown, after being stopped by the *same* policeman (who happened to be cohabiting with my aunt at the time) some *eleven* previous instances about my lead foot, upon the twelfth he asked the standard line "Do you know how fast you were going?" to which I replied with my thick Texas drawl "If you don't know, I ain't confessing--I don't care who you're f***ing," (obviously, I did not approve of the relationship). I finally got a ticket, and yes, it was absolutely worth it.


    • vrbmft profile image

      Vernon Bradley 8 years ago from Yucaipa, California

      You have to be brave, I think, No? Especially if you're in the car going 85 mph!! I will try it! Thanks for the comment

    • profile image

      liz 8 years ago

      our most popular line...that follows just about any "that's what she said". its funny after any statement...try it! can i check your eggs? thats what she said! do you know how fast you were going? thats what she said! do you want your milk in a bag? thats what she said!!! lol (or maybe i have a very unsophisticated sense of humor!!)