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Absence of Voices

Updated on March 22, 2011

I fear the silence in my head

The voices that no longer speak to me

Whispers that stop echoing from ear to ear

Could it all be a grand conspiracy?

Somehow I’ve been shut out

Set apart, excluded from the rest

Is there an illustrious scheme to drive me mad

Or is it all to put my spirit to the test?

I hear music, I hear people

I hear birds, I hear spring

No more inner dialogue about

The inner workings and the root of every thing

I cannot live this way, this quietness

It drives me absolutely insane

Without the voices I’ll go completely mad

No constant humming in my brain

To just be left in one world alone

No companions to share my lonely ride

Makes all this seem flat and without meaning

I want to run, curl up and hide

I’ll give it some more time

Perhaps it’s just a phase or stubborn start

This silence to me, is deafening

Like a dagger through my heart.

Erin LeFey 2011 All Rights Reserved


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    • Erin LeFey profile image

      Erin LeFey 6 years ago from Maryland

      Agony Aunt, thanks so much for commenting, and the great compliment. To know that I'm teaching something through my writing is really the highest compliment I can receive. Brightest Blessings.

    • Agony Aunt profile image

      Agony Aunt 6 years ago from Isle of Man

      I love the way you can write about feelings like this. I am learning a lot from you.

    • Erin LeFey profile image

      Erin LeFey 6 years ago from Maryland

      Thank you Saddlerider, I am not used to silence in my head. Silence in the world, in my space; that, I've learned to love. This particular silence was a maddening one. One that told me I was sinking too low, I was too sad - I was despondent. Its a fearful place for me. Luckily, I was able to find the help I needed to come out of it, it just took a while. I wouldn't wish that kind of numbing silence on anyone. But, again, its over and that's what I can be thankful for now. And I'm so grateful to all who saw me through it! Love and hugs my friend.

    • saddlerider1 profile image

      saddlerider1 6 years ago

      Oh the silence a writer experiences in our head. If it were not for the silence at times I would go Mad. I need silence from time to time and best when I am drawing from my soul to pen to pad. I hope that your silence goes away as you seem not to want it's presence. I wish you well as I join the noisy world outside my door. Hugs

    • Erin LeFey profile image

      Erin LeFey 6 years ago from Maryland

      Oh Colin, my Epi dear, have you gotten snowed into your cabin by the lake?? Sounds like you and the kitties are having a grand ole time up there! I'm feeling much better now thanks...:) You know I'll keep in touch with you, just haven't been emailing lately cuz I've had nothing new to say! Talk to you soon, my friend. I love the stuff you've been putting out lately! Hugs and stuff!

      Acaetnna, thanks so much for stopping by to read my tale. It is you with the heart of gold - I will trust and believe in myself as you say, for I knew that one day I would see the sun. That day was today, I think its going to start turning now. Love, Erin xo

      Prasetio, thanks so much for your visit here to one of my more somber hubs. And thanks so much for voting it up - its hard sometimes to see beauty in such darkness, but its there. Have a wonderful day!

    • prasetio30 profile image

      prasetio30 6 years ago from malang-indonesia

      Well done, my friend. You made this so beautiful. Thanks for writing this. You got my vote. Cheers..


    • acaetnna profile image

      acaetnna 6 years ago from Guildford

      Erin you write so beautifully and your words are such a joy to read. You have a heart of gold and you will get through this, just trust and believe in yourself. You have so many virtual friends here who so care about you. Love Acaetnna x

    • epigramman profile image

      epigramman 6 years ago

      ...Erinnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn - the hottest and most lovely of the loveliest and the hottest - how have you been keeping my dear - I have been on 'comment hiatus' for a few days or so - and we've had a lot of snow storms here this week in the frozen tundra known as Canada. Personally I love the silence and my mum used to say - Listen you can hear the silence and I talk to myself all of the time and they answer back to - lol - and I do believe in yin and yang - and the delicate balance, if you will, of life and living and playing my stereo so loud that even my deaf cat puts his paws over his ears - lol - currently listening to Hank Williams Sr. - his music is so stirring and so purdy .......

      Erin, how have you been feeling and thanks so much for your comments at my humble hubspace - please keep in touch with me because I consider you a great great writer, a worthy and esteemed hub colleague and a true friend. Amen!

    • Erin LeFey profile image

      Erin LeFey 6 years ago from Maryland


      Thanks for your support. I believe its just a waiting game, a test of endurance again. We'll see. I am being

      hard on myself, I think I'll take a nap. ;) Love and hugs.

    • kallini2010 profile image

      kallini2010 6 years ago from Toronto, Canada

      Did you try mindfulness? I know I said it before, but it was done for people in chronic and unbearable pain. I know it works. Even your roller coaster emotions are not the worst challenge for you right now, I believe.

      I wish I could be of help, but I am afraid I have no knowledge on the subject. The only thing I can offer is my support. Don't be too hard on yourself. If it is impossible to feel happy, then... Erin, I am at a loss.

      Love and hugs,

    • Erin LeFey profile image

      Erin LeFey 6 years ago from Maryland

      Kallini, You amaze me at how you deal with our "emotional challenges" - I used to be so much stronger I think when I had more to keep me occupied but now its so raw...its like layer by thin layer - I can feel it slipping away. I'm losing the desire to do anything...even write. But that's when I know I'm in trouble. My health team knows though...they push more drugs at me.

      I know that the sun is shining out there somewhere and one day I'm going to wake up suddenly and just see it again. Its all happened before, many times. Knowing that helps. And the flood of voices will return with all the regular sounds...not just this deafening silence.

      I think I'll travel over to your world for a bit tonight. Mine is empty. Love, me.

    • kallini2010 profile image

      kallini2010 6 years ago from Toronto, Canada

      Dear Erin: well, publish or not, but please just write. I find it is a must to relieve and relive? pain. I was told that "emotional nakedness" is not appropriate, keep it to yourself, but when I am in pain, I want to scream and say "What?! Being in pain is inappropriate? I must suffer alone?"

      It is not even about selfishness, I think it is more about expression, self-expression, self-transcendence and courage. Other people suffer, too. Nobody can guarantee what at some point their pain will not reach the point when it would be just as unbearable. The judgment comes from those who have never been there. Suffice it to say, I hate that judgment. People who keep appearances.

      I was reading a book on loneliness (it is scientific research), the interesting fact - monkeys when rejected just throw up. The response to psychological pain is very physical. We feel pain and we "throw up" with our actions and writing is one of them. Maybe it is not the best comparison, but I am not even the first person who came up with this allegory.

      Erin, I am not always "up". But it amazes me how others see me. Maybe I have something "je ne sais quoi" - to make others believe that I will make it no matter what. Maybe it is about time to believe it myself?

      Still not quite sure whether or not to publish "Emotional Nakedness". Oh well, the time is right, when I will have no reservations. Until then...

      I wish you all the best and returning of your voices in the nearest future,

    • Erin LeFey profile image

      Erin LeFey 6 years ago from Maryland

      Kallini, its great to hear from you again. First comment, yeah, no kidding! :)

      Well, this time I find its better a dagger through the heart than a stake driven through my heart, those can hurt so much more! There is a difference. And so much easier to remove. Less splinters.

      I have two journals believe it or not, stuff I publish here and stuff I don't publish. Some stuff you just can't even put out there for people to read it can get so dark I think. If you believe that words have power, as I do, I can't take responsibility for publishing them. Maybe its just a me thing.

      But you, you are always so "up"...and will we ever change? Prognosis is no, but what the hell do doctors know? :) I'm coping, how bout you? Love to you sister.

      Genna, Thanks so much for the support and saying that I'm one of your favorite authors! I'm okay sweetie - just on this rollercoaster ride and looking down the hill, but it'll start cranking its way back up again soon. Always does. Thanks for all the well and soothing energy, I'm soaking it all up. Light and Love dear friend.

      Nell, isn't it funny how so many different conditions can cause these same symptoms. They say there is no balance yet we all strive for it anyway. Anywhere close to the middle is fine for me. Love ya!

    • Nell Rose profile image

      Nell Rose 6 years ago from England

      Hi, I do get what you mean, the funny thing is if you suffer from a thyroid condition it can happen at both ends of the scale! when I am too high, my brain just does not shut up, and when it is too low it is like a great big empty void and I can't think, oh for the balance it is so much better! great poem, cheers nell

    • Genna East profile image

      Genna East 6 years ago from Massachusetts, USA

      Just stopping by for a few minutes from time away from the hub to give support to some of my favorite authors;

      Beautiful and candid poem that gives me pause to say that I hope that you are okay, dear Erin. I am sending well and soothing thoughts and prayers your way.

    • kallini2010 profile image

      kallini2010 6 years ago from Toronto, Canada

      Erin, I did not read all the comments, but I liked the first one - maybe you should check it out. LOL

      I am going through this stage of emptiness and "a dagger through my heart" - boy, it hurts. I don't really have any voices - my mind protects me from remembering and realizing the pain, but it is so painful not to be able to find what is wrong.

      I have done an exercise of sorts: I listened to music that makes me cry and try to write - I wanted to block all my defenses. Oh, God, it hurts. I am not even quite sure, to publish it or not, it is so... I have no words.

      Will I ever be able to change?

      How are you doing? I hope you are coping.

    • Erin LeFey profile image

      Erin LeFey 6 years ago from Maryland

      Oh Fossillady, I know what you mean - the opposite can be true in meditation and oh so many other instances! But to feel full and brimming over with stuff - and to not have the voices to examine and analyze seems like the load just gets too heavy and hard to sort out and for me - impossible to write about! Then again - to ask a question and hear only silence in return....that is what this one is about...

      The pun you didn't mean was cute too :)

    • Fossillady profile image

      Kathi 6 years ago from Saugatuck Michigan

      Oh, sometimes I wish the voices would just leave me alone and would welcome the silence to just let me be...I never knew it could be torture the other way around...thought provoking poem and I didn't mean that as a

    • Erin LeFey profile image

      Erin LeFey 6 years ago from Maryland

      Ruby, I'm okay, just finding myself sleeping all of the time and its so frustrating. I wish I had a choice between pain and sleep. I get another nerve block on April 7th and I'm praying it lasts long enough to carry me into fairy land!! I'm trying to make my rounds to everyone else's hubs in the mean time! Love you!

      Silent Reed, the voices in my head are like constant poetic companions - always analyzing, always writing something - inspiring me. Is this what writer's block is when they all go to sleep? It is torture. :)

      Eiddwen, Thank you, if you can find creativity in a void, I suppose its not all gone! :)

    • Eiddwen profile image

      Eiddwen 6 years ago from Wales

      A great hub and i really enjoyed it.

      Thank you for sharing

      Take care


    • SilentReed profile image

      SilentReed 6 years ago from Philippines

      Perhaps as writers it would be better if we hear voices and not run into the tortuous silent of a writer's block :)

    • always exploring profile image

      Ruby Jean Fuller 6 years ago from Southern Illinois

      Erin, I hope you are ok. Please get well so you can take us away to a fairy land. I need an adventure. I loved your poetry but it was sad. If you're in the mood to laugh, take another look at Hippy Happy Time. Lordy we need a Doctor LOL

    • Erin LeFey profile image

      Erin LeFey 6 years ago from Maryland

      Nan, creative, of course. :)

      Fiddleman, thank you, I know in my heart of hearts that only writing about the silence that I feel will make it go away. I think it would do me a world of good to sit and listen to you play for an hour or so.

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      Fiddleman 6 years ago

      Deep thoughts that tell me the voices haven't really departed. Good write and sometimes we all feel this way, this too shall pass.

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      Nan Mynatt 6 years ago

      What kind of voices,maybe you should check this out with a health professional.