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Absolute best collection of Chuck Norris jokes

Updated on July 18, 2010

Mr. Chuck Norris

You WILL enjoy my jokes!
You WILL enjoy my jokes!

Why I'm an expert on Chuck Norris jokes

Why would a retired Air Force MSgt and single parent be an expert on Chuck Norris jokes? Easy - military guys, as well as my 12 year old son and his friends, LOVE Chuck Norris jokes. I'm not exactly sure why, because they're all SO simple and revolve around one premise - that Chuck Norris is godlike!

I've heard them ALL, and most are outrageously funny! The good ones can make me laugh so hard I cry, but there are some really bad ones that don't make any sense, and they make me cry too. My son is especially good at telling the bad ones, but he still laughs at them.  He's actually checking out all of Chuck Norris' movies now because he didn't know who Chuck Norris was, LOL.

I've compiled this list of all the good ones I know and omitted the ones that are stupid. I also omitted the ones that may be offensive, all for some good clean fun. ENJOY!

BTW, If you've got any to add, please do so in the comments section and I'll add them to list.

With all due repect to THE CHUCK, here they are...

  • Chuck Norris' tears can cure cancer. Problem is, Chuck Norris never cries.
  • Chuck Norris doesn't do push-ups. He pushes down the world.
  • Chuck Norris is the only man that can survive a roundhouse kick from Chuck Norris.
  • Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
  • Chuck Norris can get blackjack with just one card.
  • Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
  • Chuck Norris can split the atom, with his bare hands.
  • Chuck Norris uses a stunt double, for crying scenes.
  • Chuck Norris never sleeps well, because Chuck Norris never sleeps.
  • Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked a $10 bill into 200 nickels.
  • Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
  • Chuck Norris can clap with one hand.
  • When Chuck Norris wants an egg, he cracks open a chicken.
  • Chuck Norris can believe it's not butter.
  • It only takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch "60 Minutes"
  • When Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad, he turns into Chuck Norris.
  • Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.
  • Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
  • Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.
  • When Chuck Norris was born, the only person who cried was the doctor. No one slaps Chuck Norris.
  • Chuck Norris is the reason Waldo is hiding.
  • Chuck Norris runs with scissors because he never falls.
  • Chuck Norris can pat his head, rub his stomach, and roundhouse kick you at the same time.
  • Chuck Norris is not allowed to fly because every part of his body is on the "restricted items" list.
  • Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn't nearly foolish enough to attack him.
  • When the bogeyman goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
  • When Chuck Norris crosses the street, the cars have to look both ways.
  • In fine print on the last page of The Guinness Book of World Records, it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has ever gotten.
  • Chuck Norris doesn't drink energy drinks.  He sweats them.
  • When Chuck Norris had surgery, the anesthesia was applied to the doctors.
  • Chuck Norris is what Willis was talking about.
  • Chuck Norris ordered a Bic Mac at Burger King, and got one.
  • Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.
  • Chuck Norris beats rock, paper, and scissors.
  • If Superman and The Flash race around the earth, Chuck Norris would win.
  • Chuck Norris is Luke Skywalker's real father.
  • Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happes to misspell a word, Webster simply changes the actual spelling of it.
  • Chuck Norris got a perfect score on the SAT simply by writing Chuck Norris for every answer.
  • The Manhattan Project was not intended to create nuclear weapons, it was meant to recreate the destructive power in a Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick. They didn't even come close.
  • Chuck Norris can strangle people with a cordless phone.
  • Chuck Norris was once put on the wrapper for a toilet paper company. The company field tested it but it didn't work because Chuck Norris doesn't take crap from nobody.
  • Darth Vader dresses up as Chuck Norris for Halloween.
  • Aliens do exist. They're just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before they attack.
  • Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life.
  • Chuck Norris’ hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.
  • Scientists have recently conceded that if there were a nuclear war, all that would remain are cockroaches and Chuck Norris.
  • Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.
  • Whatever you do, don't misspell Chuk Norris' name or you'll die before you can finish the sen...

 

Chuck Norris doesn't have a chin?

Threat

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    • profile image

      WWE G-Gamist 2 years ago

      Chuck nOrris is sO OLD.. I believe he was a waiter at the Last supper.. When GOD said Let there be Liqht.. Chuck nOrris threw the switch.. The paperboy doesn't deliver the paper at chuck nOrris hOme (because of fear) Instead he just calls and tell him the news.. The undertaker actually lost his streak to brock lesnar out of fear(he heard chuck nOrris was cominq to challenqe him) The only thinq harder than chuck nOrris leqs are his leqs.. When chuck nOrris was a kid the four wisemen from help him with his homework but he killed one.. Chuck nOrris Once waited at the back of a theatre in Dublin standinq for 3weeks just to qive the iron man a roundhouse kick..

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      WWE_Gamist 2 years ago

      If chuck nOrris was the titanic.. The iceberq would 've sank!

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      guest 2 years ago

      Chuck Norris can unscramble an egg

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      joe 2 years ago

      Chuck Norris doesn't get hot the air gets cold

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      NG 3 years ago

      Chuck Norris can dive in a jacuzzi.

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      Steve 3 years ago

      Chuck Norris performed a lobotomy on this guy, and he got smarter.

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      daggersoul 3 years ago

      Chuck Norris can walk in circles and still he gets to his destination

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      VS 3 years ago

      Chuck Norris can moonwalk on his hands.

      Chuck Norris can play Red Rover by himself.

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      datdude BP 3 years ago

      Chuck Norris once tried his luck at slots in Las Vegas. He won 6 jackpots......... in 4 pulls.

      Chuck Norris shot a 57 at Augusta over the summer. The only club he used was a sand wedge.

      Chuck Norris was a pitcher for his high school baseball team. The other team's hitters never brought bats to the plate. There was no point in it.

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      athana 3 years ago

      Chuck Norris can make a happy meal cry

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      dudeage 3 years ago

      Chuck Norris eats Marines and craps Navy S.E.A.L.S.

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      pointreew 3 years ago

      come on! Chuck Norris is just an actor! if he was that great he would have smashed my head on the keydjaksldjlaksjdlaksjdklasjdklsajdaklsjsdasjdds

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      FattyJimmyTrouble 3 years ago

      Chuck Norris has the Ebola virus...on toast every morning for breakfast

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      shane 3 years ago

      Chuck Norris died 3 weeks ago. But he's fine now.

      Cancer got diagnosed with Chuck Norris.

      Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad.

      Freddy Krueger has nightmares about Chuck Norris.

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      lip 3 years ago

      Chuck Norris plays Russian roulette with all the chambers full.

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      Dan 3 years ago

      King auther pulled excailaber from stone but chuck Norris put it there

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      Derdd 3 years ago

      Chuck went swimming in the ocean. Sharks decided it was a good time to learn how to walk on land.

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      Kevin 3 years ago

      Chuck Norris can go to an apple tree pick some oranges and make the best lemonade ever.

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      KevinF 3 years ago

      Chuck Norris can go to an apple tree pick some oranges and make the best lemonade ever.

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      Rysonokon 3 years ago

      Before the dawn of time, there was a Norris....

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      Bob 3 years ago

      When you put chuck Norris into the gps he's always right behind you.

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      thank me later 3 years ago

      When chuck norris runs on treadmill, he stops only when treadmill gets tired.

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      Mactwatty 3 years ago

      When Chuck Norris left home for college he said to his dad "You're the man of the house now"

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      Mactwatty 3 years ago

      Scientists have determined the force of Big bang to 1 CNRHK. That's 1 Chuck Norris Roundhouse kick.

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      nicomp really 3 years ago from Ohio, USA

      Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked a WordPress blog and the Google Pagerank algorithm broke.

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      Popwert16 3 years ago

      Jesus can walk on water, Chuck Norris can swim through LAND.

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      Razamufoo 3 years ago

      chuck norris once had a strong man contest with the hulk the loser had to paint himself green

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      Charles 3 years ago

      The IOC removed backwards running from the olympics when Chuck Norris won the preliminary 5,000m trial race in a time quicker than Ussain Bolt's 100m world record.

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      Me again 3 years ago

      Years ago Chuck Norris won the New York marathon when he was on a bush walk in Australia.

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      Australian Chucky 3 years ago

      Chuck Norris has only ever farted once. History recalls this moment as the Big Bang!

    • nicomp profile image

      nicomp really 3 years ago from Ohio, USA

      Chuck Norris puts a smile on your face and a skip in your step.

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      MonkeyBoy 3 years ago

      Chuck Norris doesn't win.

      He just allows you to lose!

      sorry for bad english

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      Mr. Awesome 4 years ago

      When a zombie bites Chuck Norris,

      Chuck Norris doesn't tun into a zombie,

      The zombie turns into Chuck Norris!!!

      XD

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      Mr. Awesome 4 years ago

      Chuck Norris can stand in the corner of a cicular room.

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      little jimmy 4 years ago

      bullet proof vests wear ChucK Norris for protection

      Chuck Norris knows Victoria's secret

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      Mr. Awesome 4 years ago

      Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck Norris met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

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      Mr. Awesome 4 years ago

      When Chuck Norris was in middle school, his English teacher assigned an essay: "What is courage?" He received an A+ for turning in a blank page with only his name at the top.

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      Mr. Awesome 4 years ago

      Chuck Norris is what Willis was talking about

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      bob 4 years ago

      Chuck Norris can cut a knife with hot butter.

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      people hate me 4 years ago

      Outer space is outer because it's afraid to be on the same planet as Chuck Norris

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      gracie.summers 4 years ago

      being scared of spiders is Arachnophobia

      being scared of clowns is Coulrophobia

      being scared of chuck norris is logic

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      djpappy 4 years ago

      The Apocolypse didn't happen in 2012. Thank you Chuck Norris.

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      Kyle 4 years ago

      Some kids pee their names in the snow. Chuck Norris can piss his name into concrete.

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      Whistlinwingman 4 years ago

      Chuck Norris won the Tour de France once on a Unicycle.

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      Samantha and Margo 4 years ago

      1. chuck norris kicked a horse in the chin, its decendants today are now known as giraffe's.

      2. chuck norris was once invited to a kids birthday party, and he dared a kid to suck the helium out of a balloon, that kid today is known as Justin Beiber.

      3. There was a street called chuck norris but they changed the name because no one crosses chuck norris and lives.

      4. Chuck Norris once went on vacation in the Virgin Islands. When he came home they were known as just islands.

      5. Jesus can walk on water, Chuck Norris can swim through land.

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      Hugh de Mann 4 years ago

      Everyone in the Swiss Army carries a Chuck Norris knife.

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      Chuck 4 years ago

      Chuck norris was suposedly dead 80 years ago but death hasent had the courege to tell him yet:)

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      Tigerj3 4 years ago

      Chuck Norris has a bear skin rug. It's not dead it's just afraid to move.

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      Truth 4 years ago

      Chuck Norris really believes in Jesus.

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      123 4 years ago

      Chuck norris tried to be romantic once, so he wrote a love letter to his girlfriend. it went something like this:

      Chuck Norris.

      ........She married him.

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      haha 4 years ago

      Chuck norris was asked what's the hardest fight he'd been in. He said he tried arm wrestling himself once.

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      ds 4 years ago

      cleveland left family guy because he heard chuck norris was moving in town.

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      ksjhf 4 years ago

      the weather checks the chuck norris forecast everyday.

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      gjh 4 years ago

      Donald Trump actually works for chuck norris.

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      einstein 4 years ago

      there used to be four little pigs. then chuck norris round house kicked one of them.

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      einstein 4 years ago

      jack and jill went up the hill, then found chuck norris, got scared, fell and came tumbling down.

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      brainy 4 years ago

      chuck was born on the chu/ ck/ norris. atleast that's what his license says.

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      einstein 4 years ago

      -knock knock.

      -who's there?

      -chuck

      -chuck who?

      -chuck Norris

      = Death. The end.

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      einstein 4 years ago

      Nightmares have nightmares about Chuck Norris.

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      hjg 4 years ago

      Chuck Norris lives on the moon. The only reason Neil armstrong thought he was the first person on the moon is because Chuck Norris went on a vacation to the sun

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      einstein 4 years ago

      Chuck Norris was considering changing his name to Chuck dogg, so snoop dogg got scared and changed his name to snoop lion........just to be safe.

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      einstein 4 years ago

      When Chuck Norris inhales helium, his voice gets deeper.

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      kjhj 4 years ago

      I once asked siri on my iPhone if it was possible to defeat Chuck Norris....siri replied saying "ni**a is you CRAZY!! ..... then she apologised.

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      hgfh 4 years ago

      Chuck Norris doesn't spend time on Facebook. Facebook spends time on Chuck Norris.

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      einstein 4 years ago

      Michael Jackson learned to moon walk off Chuck Norris.

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      einstein 4 years ago

      Chuck Norris doesn't microwave his dinner.....his dinner willingly jumps into the microwave trying to kill itself before Chuck Norris gets to it!

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      einstein 4 years ago

      Chuck Norris spelled backwards still spells Chuck Norris.......because Chuck Norris said so.

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      kjh 4 years ago

      The real reason dinosaurs are extinct is because they killed themselves after finding out Chuck Norris was born

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      Kozlov 4 years ago

      Chuck norris blew his nose on Steven segals ponytail so segal real kicks him.....too bad that was an unconscious dream he had after Norris roundhoused him.

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      Robbo Mate 4 years ago

      Chuck Norris once won World Series poker with Pokémon cards

      Chuck Norris and superman had a bet the loser had to wear their underpants on the outside

      Chuck Norris urinated in the fuel cap of a semi trailer, that semi trailer is now Optimus prime

      Chuck Norris made a happy meal cry

      ENJOY :)

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      Tom 4 years ago

      Chuck Norris did tug on Superman's cape, he can spit into the wind, he did pull the mask off the ole Lone Range, and he roundhouse kicked Slim.

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      Pewdiepie 4 years ago

      chuck norris. enough said.

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      nayler 4 years ago

      chuck is that hard that when his daughter lost her virginity.....chuck....got it back

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      4 years ago

      aszf SAEt

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      Jeff Coley 4 years ago

      Every time a bell rings, an angel gets their wings!

      Unfortunately, every time a bell rings, Chuck Norris thinks it's the start of the next round and roundhouse kicks those wings off!

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      JPlaiqofAmazing 4 years ago

      Chuck Norris once decided to roundhouse kick the stars. This caused the Big Bang. Now we have the multiverse, God, Satan, and primal concepts like time, entropy, death, life, evil, good, and the void of space.

      Chuck Norris was never born. He decided to exist, as he was bored at the time.

      Chuck Norris warms up his sword-arm by destroying universes with Thor's hammer, that "cannot be lifted by anyone but Thor."

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      Brcstar 4 years ago

      Once, a man said he was better than chuck Norris. He was roundhouse kicked so hard, he was launched into space and got caught in another planet's gravity, thus creating Saturn's rings

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      RJ 4 years ago

      Chuck Norris is the only man that can kick you in the back of the face.

      Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked a dead bird and it came to life, then he kicked it again and it died proving the fact that chuck can bring life and take life.

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      brandon 4 years ago

      Chuck Norris dosent tee bag he potato sacks

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      jamal 4 years ago

      Chuck Norris don't cut grass. He just stares at it and dares it to grow

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      Squaqa 4 years ago

      We pray to god. God prays to chuck Norris.

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      Chuck Norris 4 years ago

      People use shavers to shave their beards, Chuck Norris uses his hands.

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      Like 4 years ago

      In football, the players go around other players. Chuck Norris goes through the players. Obliterating them.

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      nicomp really 4 years ago from Ohio, USA

      Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the Internet and now we have IPV6

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      norris minoor 4 years ago

      chuck once cut a knife with butter

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      hanna 4 years ago

      Chuck Norris knows Victorias secret. I made this one up myself a few years ago but somehow it got on the internet...oh well..

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      Chuck Noris fan b... 4 years ago

      Chuck Noris can slam a revolving d...........

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      Tank9869 4 years ago

      Chuck Norris once fell into a lava stream at the foot of a volcano. He nearly drowned...

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      huskers13 4 years ago

      Chuck Norris can blow bubbles with beef jerky

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      heynow 4 years ago

      Chuck Norris can slam a revoling door.

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      Me 4 years ago

      A blind man accidentally stepped on chuck norris's foot and chuck said: DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM, IM CHUCK NORRIS.

      The man was cured immediately but the last thing the man saw was a round house in his face

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      Tyler 4 years ago

      When Chuck Norris looks in a mirror the mirror shatters because nothing gets between Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris

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      luke 4 years ago

      Chuck Norris CAN find the end of a circle.

      Chuck Norris doesn't wear a watch. He decides what time it is

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      Andrew lewis 4 years ago

      chuck norris is cool

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      Kick 4 years ago

      Kids aren't afraid of the dark because of monsters, they're afraid they won't see Chuck Norris coming

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      moondog 4 years ago

      chuck norris dsnt ask wat time it is he jst decides

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      Thenugget 4 years ago

      Hahahahahahahaha

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      moondog 4 years ago

      when chuck norris does roundhouse kicks he causes crop circles all over the world

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      zerocoool 4 years ago

      Dragons can breath fire, chuck norris can breath dragons.

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      jakestealth 4 years ago

      Chuck Norris can delete the Internet from the world.