Absolute best collection of Chuck Norris jokes
Mr. Chuck Norris
Why I'm an expert on Chuck Norris jokes
Why would a retired Air Force MSgt and single parent be an expert on Chuck Norris jokes? Easy - military guys, as well as my 12 year old son and his friends, LOVE Chuck Norris jokes. I'm not exactly sure why, because they're all SO simple and revolve around one premise - that Chuck Norris is godlike!
I've heard them ALL, and most are outrageously funny! The good ones can make me laugh so hard I cry, but there are some really bad ones that don't make any sense, and they make me cry too. My son is especially good at telling the bad ones, but he still laughs at them. He's actually checking out all of Chuck Norris' movies now because he didn't know who Chuck Norris was, LOL.
I've compiled this list of all the good ones I know and omitted the ones that are stupid. I also omitted the ones that may be offensive, all for some good clean fun. ENJOY!
BTW, If you've got any to add, please do so in the comments section and I'll add them to list.
With all due repect to THE CHUCK, here they are...
- Chuck Norris' tears can cure cancer. Problem is, Chuck Norris never cries.
- Chuck Norris doesn't do push-ups. He pushes down the world.
- Chuck Norris is the only man that can survive a roundhouse kick from Chuck Norris.
- Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
- Chuck Norris can get blackjack with just one card.
- Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
- Chuck Norris can split the atom, with his bare hands.
- Chuck Norris uses a stunt double, for crying scenes.
- Chuck Norris never sleeps well, because Chuck Norris never sleeps.
- Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked a $10 bill into 200 nickels.
- Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
- Chuck Norris can clap with one hand.
- When Chuck Norris wants an egg, he cracks open a chicken.
- Chuck Norris can believe it's not butter.
- It only takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch "60 Minutes"
- When Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad, he turns into Chuck Norris.
- Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.
- Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
- Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.
- When Chuck Norris was born, the only person who cried was the doctor. No one slaps Chuck Norris.
- Chuck Norris is the reason Waldo is hiding.
- Chuck Norris runs with scissors because he never falls.
- Chuck Norris can pat his head, rub his stomach, and roundhouse kick you at the same time.
- Chuck Norris is not allowed to fly because every part of his body is on the "restricted items" list.
- Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn't nearly foolish enough to attack him.
- When the bogeyman goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
- When Chuck Norris crosses the street, the cars have to look both ways.
- In fine print on the last page of The Guinness Book of World Records, it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has ever gotten.
- Chuck Norris doesn't drink energy drinks. He sweats them.
- When Chuck Norris had surgery, the anesthesia was applied to the doctors.
- Chuck Norris is what Willis was talking about.
- Chuck Norris ordered a Bic Mac at Burger King, and got one.
- Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.
- Chuck Norris beats rock, paper, and scissors.
- If Superman and The Flash race around the earth, Chuck Norris would win.
- Chuck Norris is Luke Skywalker's real father.
- Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happes to misspell a word, Webster simply changes the actual spelling of it.
- Chuck Norris got a perfect score on the SAT simply by writing Chuck Norris for every answer.
- The Manhattan Project was not intended to create nuclear weapons, it was meant to recreate the destructive power in a Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick. They didn't even come close.
- Chuck Norris can strangle people with a cordless phone.
- Chuck Norris was once put on the wrapper for a toilet paper company. The company field tested it but it didn't work because Chuck Norris doesn't take crap from nobody.
- Darth Vader dresses up as Chuck Norris for Halloween.
- Aliens do exist. They're just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before they attack.
- Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life.
- Chuck Norris’ hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.
- Scientists have recently conceded that if there were a nuclear war, all that would remain are cockroaches and Chuck Norris.
- Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.
- Whatever you do, don't misspell Chuk Norris' name or you'll die before you can finish the sen...