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Addict to Addict and Back to Me Again

Updated on January 31, 2013

Why try-Why change-When the world always appears the same?


So here we are... Living in a world full of judgement, hate, violence, confusion and resentment. At least that is where I lived, until I decided to break away from what life had been consisting of and change where I was. I still reside at the same address, but the world has become more peaceful, loving, sharing and willing to accept, because I am willing to feel.

For anyone who has ever had a habit that took them, embraced them and clouded their perception of life and the world, I may not know you, but I understand your fear and your reasoning behind staying the way that you have become. The only thing that is more frightening than continuing to live and die on the path you have allowed yourself to follow, is changing and living without what you have become accustomed to.

I can not lie and say that life is perfect when you are sober. I can not tell you that problems do not exist in the land of sobriety. I can not promise that life will become easier and you will be happier, but I can promise that the clarity is real and somewhere within you you have the strength to survive without the crutch. When you can feel without what you use- you will know that you are once again real, and being real again is worth the effort and even worth the pain. Because you deserve more, and you deserve to be and feel real.


Headlock- A song about a girl who struggles with addiction

This is about who you are and what you are going to do to gain your control

Blurred perception of what your worth is
Blurred perception of what your worth is | Source
a constant uphill battle
a constant uphill battle
believe that you are worth the effort to change-and then you can begin
believe that you are worth the effort to change-and then you can begin | Source
I had always seen the world as black and white-never gave a chance to see the details in my life
I had always seen the world as black and white-never gave a chance to see the details in my life | Source
A beautiful day is in the horizon
A beautiful day is in the horizon | Source
Something beautiful awaits your return
Something beautiful awaits your return | Source
but it may never be discovered if you never decide to try
but it may never be discovered if you never decide to try | Source

Reality isn't so real

Deep down in dungeons,

Buried in your soul,

You are caught in a whirlpool,

Trying to find a way to home.


Reality isn’t so real,

You have made sure of that,

Take a breath in,

Give up another moment.


No need to deal with life,

When life is abstracted,

And loses reason to be justified.


Get high- go low,

Sleep tight- lose time,

When you become scared of shadows,

You avoid at all costs the light.


Scream inside,

No one can hear your plea,

Scream louder,

You scream for nothing.


All that surrounds you,

Are just as you were,

Stay high- Go low,

Lose everything you know.


Pretend you are better,

So you can look others in the eye.

Pretend this isn’t forever,

To convince yourself this isn’t the way you die.


Everyone is at a distance,

So close not to be touched.

No one really knows you,

Because you have lost your soul.


Feel a glimpse of hope,

Avoid listening to it.

One more chance forgotten,

One less moment.


Carry the left over into tomorrow,

Right over into time.

Put yourself through hell,

So you can have one more chance at life.


Knowing this will hurt,

And be the hardest thing you ever do.

Also knowing you must lose the high,

Before the high loses you.


Dizzy spells and words from hell,

Pain unbearable to bare.

What is so honest about this,

To want to feel this way.


More lost than ever before,

Now all alone,

No one even knows who I am, ‘

I’m not even sure who I ever was.


Temptation tries to reach for me,

I feel the familiar touch.

Never before did I want more,

Than to know once more that love.


The love is laced with poison,

It fills me with pleasure and pain.

Sinking slowly into darkness,

Afraid to stay away.


There is no familiar feel of reality,

When you lived your life in hell.

Pull from within the pain and sin,

And what makes your loss worth believing in.


I tell my pain,

I tell it this way,

For you to believe,

That life can be changed.


That within your sin,

Within the poison,

You have the strength,

To gain your life back again.

Still hope in today for more of something from tomorrow

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    • H.C Porter profile imageAUTHOR

      Holly 

      7 years ago from Lone Star State

      lilyfly,

      Thank you for reading and for commenting.. If the world only knew how many addicts are truly great people, with an insight into a pain and a world only known to us. To go deep into the world and make it out in one piece...gives us a strength that so many people will never take time to notice or to see.

      Always hanging in...and havent let go :) Thanks again for stopping by :)

    • lilyfly profile image

      Lillian K. Staats 

      7 years ago from Wasilla, Alaska

      Awe inspiring. I'm listening to raw Courtney Love, and I am addicted to the addicted, because once they break thru, they illuminate us all... love yaz, hang in there... lily (an addict)

    • H.C Porter profile imageAUTHOR

      Holly 

      7 years ago from Lone Star State

      tammybarnette

      You are very welcome... I am sure you are a great Mom and your daughter will be fine. I think sometimes being a teenager is harder for some than it is for others- now a day there is far too many pressures on children...and they feel as if they need to grow up all at once... As long as you are there and willing to step up to her and in for her when needed, she will be fine, as will you :)

    • tammybarnette profile image

      Tammy Barnette 

      7 years ago

      Thank you for your advice and encouragement. I have always told my children I would love them even if they were serial killers, I may not like them all the time and I sure disagree with a lot of their behavior but I try very hard to let them know that I will always love them.Being a mom is the hardest job on earth but I wouldn't trade it for anything:)

    • H.C Porter profile imageAUTHOR

      Holly 

      7 years ago from Lone Star State

      tammybarnette- thanks for reading and for commenting... If you want to let your daughter read something-that may scare her, but give her a look into how ugly life can be, let me know... I am 30 now...with 2 beautiful healthy kids (I am also surprised I am alive and sane). My demons are in submission-but the will to get them there took time. Never lose hope in your daughter... as angry, afraid, confused or lost as she may become or be- she is still in there trying to figure things out and make sense of a world that can sometimes be very senseless and cruel. Even though I could never say it- I needed my parents (specially my mother at that age) I longed for her to take an interest in me and who I was- but she had a busy schedule and I always wondered if she cared or loved me at all... I always felt like I failed her-was a screw up and she hated me... Let her know you love her, and regardless of anything she could ever do-that it will not change. She needs you to be her strength when she hurts, to love her when she has done wrong, to smile when she does well, to praise and praise and praise when she works hard or accomplishes something she really dedicated herself to. I know it is hard to raise kids-but that is why we are moms... we are experts at accomplishing the hard and impossible tasks.

    • tammybarnette profile image

      Tammy Barnette 

      7 years ago

      I can't wait to share this with my 16 year old daughter. This pain inwhich you speak is exactly what i am trying to protect her from. You write so beautifully, I just keep picking through your hubs and reading and crying. Just to know you have slayed your demons gives me hope.

    • H.C Porter profile imageAUTHOR

      Holly 

      7 years ago from Lone Star State

      HighGuy42o- yeah, I know what you mean... Bet there are many of us out there... Trying to figure everything out-but struggling to make ground to somewhere we aren't sure exists. Thanks for the comment!

    • HighGuy420 profile image

      HighGuy420 

      7 years ago

      this was beautiful loved the poem i'm just like you still lost if you know what i mean

    • H.C Porter profile imageAUTHOR

      Holly 

      7 years ago from Lone Star State

      joyalyn1111 -thank you for reading-i am glad you liked it...please dont cry :)

    • joyalyn1111 profile image

      joyalyn1111 

      7 years ago from Springfield, MO

      this brought tears to my eyes. thank you for sharing.

    • H.C Porter profile imageAUTHOR

      Holly 

      7 years ago from Lone Star State

      TH- i think everyone is different, and no matter who we are, we do not have a the right to judge. I believe lending support is a much better display of character and a better way to spend time than judging. I admire you for being so clean and staying away from such poisons... Thank you for leaving a bit of your story and perspective in the comments- I appreciate what you have shared.

    • tom hellert profile image

      tom hellert 

      7 years ago from home

      HC,

      I am in no way passing judement- because no one is perfect - boy "I sure as heck ain't neither"-My demons lie elsewhere-

      I as you know am not a hollier than thou type guy but I have never tried a non prescribed medicine- I accidentally took one of my wifes prenatal vitamins...honetly I may have taken one darviset too manyafter my vascectemy sorry (TMI), I HAVE NEVER DRANK EVER NOR SMOKED ANYTHING. But I have great respect and admiration for ANYONE that has addictions, maybe I just know that I would be too easily caught and hooked on something sometime I wish I could escape- runaway from it all but something inside me says-"At this point why start now....????"\So HC enough of my wacky babbling mess of a comment - Its good you can look back and reson/critique it all

      Good luck God help me if I ever "get on the wagon"...

      TH

      Oddly enough- I think more about it now that I take all sorts of medicines that if I drank it could kill me... but thats just a reason not to do it.

      C-ya

    • H.C Porter profile imageAUTHOR

      Holly 

      7 years ago from Lone Star State

      Eiddwen-thanks for not pressing funny-but the rest of them... I am glad that you enjoyed what you read... :)

    • H.C Porter profile imageAUTHOR

      Holly 

      7 years ago from Lone Star State

      Cagsil-thank you for the comment :) As always :)

    • H.C Porter profile imageAUTHOR

      Holly 

      7 years ago from Lone Star State

      Rafini-thanks and I know... :)

    • Eiddwen profile image

      Eiddwen 

      7 years ago from Wales

      There are so many hubs that I haven't got round to reading yet but I am so glad that I came across these.

      You write naturally and from your heart.

      I push all the buttons on this one. (except obviously funny).

      Take care

      Eiddwen.

    • Cagsil profile image

      Cagsil 

      7 years ago from USA or America

      Very nicely done Holly. Definitely Thumbs up! :) Always a pleasure. :)

    • Rafini profile image

      Rafini 

      7 years ago from Somewhere I can't get away from

      YOU have the strength - Great Hub!

    • H.C Porter profile imageAUTHOR

      Holly 

      7 years ago from Lone Star State

      Fay Paxton-thank you for reading and for the vote and mark ups... I appreciate the feedback and am glad you liked the content

    • H.C Porter profile imageAUTHOR

      Holly 

      7 years ago from Lone Star State

      fucsia, Thank you for commenting and reading!

    • H.C Porter profile imageAUTHOR

      Holly 

      7 years ago from Lone Star State

      Ashley Anne-THANKS, and I hope so...that is more so the point of much of my writing...thanks for stopping in

    • H.C Porter profile imageAUTHOR

      Holly 

      7 years ago from Lone Star State

      ahorseback

      thank you for commenting on my hub, and with such a nice compliment. I will always write from the heart...it is the only way that it is any good.

    • profile image

      Fay Paxton 

      7 years ago

      Thank you for this refreshing and candid hub.

      voted up/useful and awesome

    • fucsia profile image

      fucsia 

      7 years ago

      Great Hub!

    • Ashley Anne profile image

      Ashley Esmacher 

      7 years ago from Virginia

      Wow. You could reach out to so many. I think you wrote a great hub and so many people may relate.

    • profile image

      ahorseback 

      7 years ago

      H.C. The only button I won't push is funny, you have heaven right there in front of you , beautiful and loving children . And a soulfull insight into both worlds , The worlds of addictions and the world of heaven on earth. Which , by the way makes you a beautiful human being,and never anything less, God bless the child that has his [her] own. Please ,what ever you do , continue to put it down on paper ......be well. Ed.

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