Afraid To Love You
Memories of a hurtful relationship can stay alive in the back of one's mind for a long time, even when something reminds a person, a reaction to something can jog a reaction, weaken an individual and perhaps cripple someone, even to the point that it can set a person back. Once the source of the stress is identified as being associated to a bad memory, the behavior can stop.
Recently, a child pointed in play a pretend gun towards me and it actually frightened me. I responded by running away, crying and panting. I asked the Lord quickly to reveal to me why I behaved that way. The memory came back of the spouse this writer once had who, with a violent temper, used to threaten this writer with a supposed gun to attack perhaps if I ever left him for someone else. The calming came as the words were verbally repeated to myself, "He's dead, he's dead". (Truly, this man passed away almost three years ago.)
This is a poem lyric which was written which actually can relate to how this writer felt in that abusive relationship.
Afraid To Love You
Climbing this hill so rocky and steep
Why are these things in my way?
Pulling the cloud away from the skies,
Hoping to see the light of day.
I'm so afraid to love you.
Oh, how it hurts,
Such a beautiful thing.
Why can't I even show you now
All the joy and the sadness you bring.
I thought I saw clearly above the horizon
But you pulled the shades that darkened my dream.
Life appears to me as a beautiful ocean
Vast and so rhythmic,
But salty and green.
You showed that you loved me,
Yet you said you don't know- maybe you never knew,
I was blinded with your warmth and affection,
From that illusion, my heart for you grew.
Why is it wrong to love you?
I thought you were my perfection and joy.
Feeling tossed aside like a broken toy;
Only God can repair me, no one else knows
How my heart aches as this memory of you grows.
Copyright @2012 CMCastro