Aging Awkwardly

*The following is meant to be fun...I don't really think I'm old, just immature.

I've always thought growing older would mean growing wiser. This may be true, but I feel that I’m spending all of my time worrying about getting older and less time getting wiser. I've learned a lot over the years and I’m hardly the same person as I was 10 years ago, but sometimes I still I feel like I should be more sophisticated or refined by now.

I find myself questioning the younger generation, not understanding the culture. I’m not quite at the get off my lawn point, but I’m sure it’s not far off. I hope that I don’t become bitter in my golden years, nobody likes the mean old man.

I’m sure older readers will laugh at someone in their thirties complaining about getting older, but I keep waiting for that age where it all clicks and comes together. When does this happen, does it happen? As my nose hairs and eyebrows grow more and more rapidly, I've started thinking, what is it going to be like when I get older?

What kind of old man am I going to be? I’m still scared of ghost movies for crying out loud. Our grandfathers proudly fought in WWII while our grandmothers went to work and held down the fort, they were known as the greatest generation. What is it going to be like when I get older? We can’t have a bunch of old men with self esteem issues talking about their feelings. Some still taking classed working on their master’s degrees.

We’ll have old people with names such as Keven and Bryyan, or Aron. They will wear helmets in case they fall, with spf 90 sunblock, drink expensive coffee and talk about working in the trenches of office cubicles. We will have an epidemic of back and wrist injuries, along with obesity, carpel tunnel syndrome and bad eyesight. We had to do what we had to do.

Is it my generation? Are we a bunch of wimps that have been coddled for too long? Has Dr. Phil ruined it for all of us? Are we going diagnose seniors with ADD? Grandma forgot to take her Ritilin again, must be her ADD acting up. Or it could be the fact that she’s old!

They will show our classic movies from our era, Casablanca and Gone with the Wind will be replaced with Ferris Bueler’s Day off and The Breakfast Club, or later….Twilight. Frank Sinatra and Sammy Davis Jr will be replaced with the old time classics of Madonna and Prince, who will no doubt have current albums out in the year 2045. We will reminisce as we listen to Eminem and Lil’ Wayne.

Hopefully we will learn to dress a little nicer, but I know better. I’m already buying black socks and wearing them with shorts. Maybe I’m entering the screw it stage just a little too soon. But what about other trends of younger people, a tattoo on the neck for instance is not going to look to cool at 75. Ladies, that cute little butterfly on your lower back that you got during spring break? What a cool grandma you will make.

Instead of wearing pants at the armpits as some seniors like to do, I’m sure my generation will take care of that, with sagging pants and exposed Depends diapers…I just hope they're clean.

Or maybe at a certain age we will each mature and begin to age gracefully. We will learn from our mistakes and teach the younger generations the lessons we have learned. We will earn respect and carry ourselves with dignity.

With a twinkle in our eye and a smile on our face we will tell the stories of the old days, of how times were simpler, the people nicer, and we all made do with what we had. Sucking on a Werthers and sipping a soda, we will sit back on the recliner and watch classic reruns of Keeping up with the Kardashians and 16 and pregnant to our heart’s content.