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Alex's Tormenting Warfare

Updated on March 23, 2015


Alex was suffering from an emotional breakdown. A recurring agony of his confused identity over consumed his ability to decipher his true nature. Alex walked between the line, whether to be in a loving relationship with his parents or his new friends who welcomed his sexual identity. But he was not certain, if he were to live among those who identified with him in his sexuality will ultimately provide him the assurance of who he was with his sexuality. On the other hand, he could not resist the desires that he was capacitated with. A great confusion set in, and Alex became more and more distraught with the two alternatives he wish he did not had to make. He had not lived the years of maturity, whereby his likes and dislikes could have distinguished affirmatively, but it seemed he has been reborn several times over and he had to restart from the beginning where he supposed to be led on to a defining consummation of his happiness. He desperately needed someone who can direct him to the right course of his destiny so that he will not wavered on his inclinations.


The climate was unseasonably cool and the clothing he had on was not sufficiently padded to prevent the chilling wind from penetrate into his dry skins. Alex was meeting a pastor whom he met when he was attending University. The minister whom he had an extensive relationship during his adolescent and teenaged years did not have the appropriate means to a council person like Alex, so Alex stopped going to the church his parents attended and where he grew up in. The pastor, Alex was meeting was only five years older than Alex. The pastor Van Till was from the generation where he had more faced to faced interactions with those who were part of the new cultural phenomenon that was spreading throughout the land. Alex met pastor Van Till when he participated on the liturgy the pastor conducted at one of the house churches he presided in the neighboring town Alex lived. The distance was quite far, and since Alex did not have a car, he had to take a bus to the busy main street of the town and then walked about half mile to the place where he was to meet the Pastor.


“Sorry I am little late. The ride on the bus took little longer than I expected.”


“No worries Alex. Can I get you something? Coffee or Tea?”


“Um, I will take a tea. Thank you”


Pastor Van Till ordered the drinks, afterward the warmly liquified caffeinated drinks were presented to Pastor, he brought them to the table where Alex was sitting. The Pastor Van Till cautiously sipped his large cup of dark coffee and Alex waited a bit until his tea cooled. A silence intrude the table where two people gathered, the momentary quietness infiltrated the space between the individuals who were anticipating the awkwardness of their engagement.


“So. let’s begin. I first met you about a year ago when you start to attend the service at the Johnson’s house, but we had not engaged in any significant conversation until couple of weeks ago. I was not that surprised when you shared with me with your struggle, especially how much you were showing your petrification when you confessed about yourself. I am sure you did not have not much success or I should reiterate, received much positive feedback when you revealed your sexuality to the people you have known long time.”


“Thank you Pastor Van Till for bringing your concern to my emotional sensitivity. You are right that many of my friends and my family member were not too accepting to my sexual preference. But also same time, I cannot state confidently that this is definitely who I am, because there is an incessant feeling of conscious guilt triggering my emotion.”


“What do you mean Alex.”


Although Pastor was able to enciphered Alex’s erudition, he wanted Alex to elaborate himself.


“What I mean is that, if I truly believe I have a desire for a man over a woman, then I should be able to irrevocably choose that path, but my path is hindered by my indecisiveness. And I know why that is because it’s due to my conscious is not letting me to go on to that path.”


“Well Alex, sometimes the guilt could be an evidence of God’s providence on your life. The human conscientiousness is more of an indicative proof of God’s divine ordinance than the written commands. Every time we acted against our consciouses, we are rebelling against His divine.”


“Pastor Van Till, I comprehend your argument, but I think there are more to what you are assessing. What I mean is that, even our conscious lies to us all the time, we can’t trust our actions with our conscious in many occasions. Many times, our conscious are contrary to the written laws of God. I want to make a peace with the paradoxical comprehension of what I believe about myself. I believe I am a Christian, but the sensations that I experience throughout my being is contrary to the commands of scripture. My confusion lies, where how can God create his creature with a particular personal disposition and then command His creation not to abide to the personalities He endowed with? I want to obey and serve Him with all my faculty , but since my desires are in conflict with His written command, I cannot irrevocably surrender to Him, because I am so angry to myself and also at Him.”


“Alex. Your dilemma is not unusual. I have spoke with many individuals who are going through similar battles as you do, maybe not exactly in terms of preferable introspecting. The people who have heterosexual desires go through every kinds of opposite sex temptations; whether they are single or married, they have struggles with their inclination to engage in illicit sexual proclivities. They are prevented from carrying out their desires because of many factors. Some people are driven by the love for God but for some, unfortunately, prevented from carrying out they desires by fear; afraid of losing their spouses, children, reputation or some other reason other than for the love of God. I will continued to pray for you so that you will be able to understand and accept your struggles with a clearer understanding of what God wants in your life.”


The conversation with Pastor Van Till did not provide Alex with profoundness he wanted to received. Alex had already understood what Pastor Van Till had communicated even before the meeting. During Alex’s walk toward the bus stop, he recited one of the passages in the Bible that stroked his conscious ever since he read it; that a practicing homosexual person will not inherit the Kingdom of God. (Corinthians 6: 9-10). The passage frighten him when his first laid his eyes on the instructive warning. Although he was a professing Christian, his understanding of himself was shaken when that passage was read during his meditation of the scripture. He began to experience the feelings that incapacitated his conception of himself when he was in sophomore in high school. After the discovering of how his sexual proclivity was pointing, Alex continuously suppressed his desire for a length of time when he was maturing on to his adulthood. And even when he enrolled at the University, he continued to repressed his feelings that he believed was biological. And he was very careful not to let his guard down by catering to what his insatiable desires were causing him to be attracted to. He was only with one man and only one occasion in his life and after that experience, he was so distraught with his act, he locked himself inside of his dorm for a week. He wanted to break through the variance of his bondage. A confusion instilled his emotions to the point of letting his indignation dictate his personality. Alex did not comprehend what was the true nature of his bondage; his homosexual feelings or his desire to honor God. What was enslaving him? Alex had read many writings of great philosophical thoughts and what he learned from those books was that human’s lives precipitated in never ending contradictions throughout his or her lives. In the end, there was no just end to the choices humans had made because every actions echoed in contrary directions. Alex, resoundingly believed in his own faculty, that he will continued to suffer the consequence of knowing what was supposed to be a right way of life and his own desire to satisfied with his sexuality. But it was still difficult to examined and appropriate his wanting in absolute. Inscrutable passion of his desire was not able to appease any of his senses, because he was imprisoned by his confusion.


The day was ending and he drove to a tavern not far from where he resided. Alex borrowed his parents’ sedan and had agreed to engaged in a gathering of a pre-marriage celebration. But it was not the union of heterosexual marriage, but the union of the same sex couple. Alex met the couple when he was attending University. They were very much in love, much more than any of the heterosexual couple whom he had known, including his own parents’. The bar was locally owned and the owner was very welcoming to the homosexual community. Alex greeted various men and women who were celebrating the gathering with smiles and hugs, but no embracing with his lips. The noise was deafening inside of very dimly lighted establishment, but it was still audible for Alex to hear the people who were speaking to him. One of Alex’s friend, who was an open homosexual, welcomed Alex with a gladdened expression of his comforting in his skin. There was a sense of sanguinity that portrayed on the face of Alex’s friend. It was assuring to witnessed for Alex to enciphered the expression of his friend that gleaned away all the disreputable observation of himself. Alex desired for that kind of appealing peace within himself, and able to choose the path of his accepting how he was perceiving his disposition. It was a path of either/or, unable to bring the unsettling emotion onto a determined conclusion.


“Hey Alex how are you doing? What would you like to drink?”


A tall young man with a lean muscular frame inquired.


“Thanks for asking Michael. I think I will have a gin and tonic.”


They drank their drinks after a cheer. The taste was not flavoring to Alex’s taste buds but his complaint did not expound to the point where he was deterred from finishing the rest of the glass. Alex and Michael spoke seemingly, discussing few minuscule topics that did not have much relevancies to improving their relationship. But as they continued their conversation, the topic became more deeply engaged on the personal matters. Then, a mutual acquaintance decided to get in the conversation two were having. Michael was utmost confident when he spoke without reserving his opinions to himself and letting them flow out his mouth freely. The other man was quiet, he had a tendency of rolling of his eyes when the talk became serious with a rectitude implication. He let his voiced heard occasionally, awhile Alex and Michael’s conversation became more ingrained in controversy.


“Alex, you have to let your feelings go. It’s not healthy to repressed it for so long, because your continual denial of what your nature is calling, will result in more discombobulation. Our lives are too short to be contemplating whether our choices are just or not.”


“I know Michael. I have thought out many possibilities of my indicative actions. But everywhere I turn, the questions aren't being answered without refutation. This is the madness I am facing.”


“Alex, what did your pastor say? Did he provide you with the encouraging words where you were able to see more clearly? To be honest with you, the Christian teachings are, in a practical sense, not realistic. I think the religion is brutal. Whether the person has received a some form of a revelation from the Divine or not, is incompatible for the naturalistic being like us humans. This is due to fact that the idea of divinity cannot be reasonably examined because of our finite understanding of ourselves; how can any human can really grasp the infinite supernaturalism. The only thing we can perceived the things that are noumena, any kind of spirituality is a phenomenon, because a personal out of natural experience cannot be measure objectively. So whether person could firmly believe that the Divine had instructed the person to behave certain way could be open for much controversial debate.”


“Michael, I understand what you are stating, but the words are written, and those words were meant to instruct the humans what is just or what is not by the Creator of the universe. Whether a persona accept what is written in the Bible is true or not depend on the reader, but personally, I am capacitated with the knowledge of following the commands of the Bible is personally compelling. I don’t know exactly how I have come to this conclusion, but this is way I see it.”


Alex fumbled few times when he was speaking. Michael listened intently, although he disagreed with Alex’s opinion, which Michael believe it was merely an opinion. Michael did not take Alex’s conception as lunacy, because Michael also struggled with the cosmic reality that there was possible existence of a Divine Being who may have the final authority on the lives of every individuals. So only method in which whereby, Michael will be able to practice his sexual preference was to denial the existence of God, because that was only way he could justified his choice.


“Alex. Someday you have to make your choice. Hey why don’t you join us later tonight? A bunch of us will be going to an afterparty.”


Alex declined with sincerity. He then, made his way to the focal individuals of the party and gave a congratulatory expression of his joy by lauding the couple who were tying the knot. Alex stayed for an half hour longer, and left for home. The night was cool and dry, but the windows were down so that Alex will be able to feel the presence of the formation that was result of warm air colliding with the cold air; cool breeze. He did not know what his next sequence of action he ought to take. After his interactions, he was no near to make the choice of which lifestyle he wanted to embark. Either direction he took, he will be struggling to come into a resounding conclusion of his choosing. He believed, maybe the reason behind why he had the conscientious awareness of his sexual feeling was not something he ought to proceed was because God had placed an illumination of the Divine ordinance into his consciousness. But at the same time, he had a difficulty accepting his desires were accidental, that he was born with that particular disposition mistakenly. The life was not fair, as Alex thought, but who’s life ever been fair in all due process of ones aspirations? But this was how it was, the consequence of being human, when a being was born with the gift of reasoning and the will to choose, a complication will ultimately define that being, so long as that being have a breath.

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