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Alzheimer's Sadness

Updated on April 9, 2010
   My mom and step-dad..long ago
My mom and step-dad..long ago

 

I carry her with me daily...her hurts, her muffled words...the things she tries to remember...yet I feel so   lost and alone. Being a silent , sacrificing, loving lady she has lost what means so much to her...her   dignity...her quality of life has so taken a turn from her  past life and it makes me feel so sad . If she   could see herself now she would be mortified. She is as beautiful to me as any Mother is to their child,   but the way she  always presented herself, is now  so artificial, as so many of us can be.  We hide our   real feelings and try to be  seen so perfect  in the presence of others. Sometimes it is the way we   really feel inside, the helplessness , depression. yet can't admit it, and don't want other's to know.  It is   also the fact that we are growing old and realize the things that really count aren't what we based our   life's on.   Life is so long sometimes and so short other times...and then we realize how Blessed we have really   been.   As much as she tries to make me understand her words,  I am at a loss...only to smile and try to   understand her words , to answer what she wants so desperately to hear me say.   I lay my head on hers and whisper "I Love you" into her deaf ears, she leans back on me and I feel the   contentment from her. The great heart that was always mine, though now she knows not who I am...   My Mother...is slipping away ,  yet still trying to teach me the lessons of life,which in her desperate   way, in her  suffering,  I am becoming a more understanding, selfish woman.  I say that because  it is   so difficult to see her slowly die in front of me, I mourn her loss everyday...and I pray for her   everyday...somehow thinking it is myself I need to pray for....

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    • G-Ma Johnson profile imageAUTHOR

      Merle Ann Johnson 

      8 years ago from NW in the land of the Free

      aww. sweet Tatjana..and the drama continues as she fell and broke her hip...and for the last 85 days I have been at her side...she is amazing and doing well and God is my guide...Thanks for the comment...:O) Hugs G-Ma

    • Tatjana-Mihaela profile image

      Tatjana-Mihaela 

      8 years ago from Zadar, CROATIA

      My blessings are with both of you. It is so sad.

      Love and hugs.

    • G-Ma Johnson profile imageAUTHOR

      Merle Ann Johnson 

      8 years ago from NW in the land of the Free

      KoffeeKlatch Gals...Aww am sorry to hear about your Father and I Thank you so much for caring , responding and for your Prayers as I extend them back to you...God Bless...:O) Hugs G-Ma

    • KoffeeKlatch Gals profile image

      Susan Hazelton 

      8 years ago from Sunny Florida

      Very moving story, thank you for sharing. It is extremely painful for the caregiver to watch their loved one slowly loose themselves. I had to watch my father go through the stages of Alzheimers. It leaves you feeling frustrated and helpless. I am so sorry to hear all that you and your mother are going through. You are handling it just the way you should. Live for every moment. My prayers are with you.

    • G-Ma Johnson profile imageAUTHOR

      Merle Ann Johnson 

      8 years ago from NW in the land of the Free

      Peggy W...you bet there must be...but she never did tell...:O) and I couldn't agree more with you and am sorry for your lose, but it just seems so un fair they suffer so with no quality of life left, no speach, her hearing is about gone and her eye sight very poor...yet she hangs on to life...there is a reason for everything...and God is in control..Bless you my dear, and my prayers...:O) Hugs G-Ma

    • Peggy W profile image

      Peggy Woods 

      8 years ago from Houston, Texas

      Hi G-Ma,

      So sorry that your mother had that fall with everything else going on. Hope she is doing better? I lost my dear mother the end of January and my main consolation is that she does not have to go further down that road of dementia and all that it entails. It was getting harder and harder for her. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your mom. What a wonderful picture of her! Must be a story about that Jack Daniels she is holding...

    • G-Ma Johnson profile imageAUTHOR

      Merle Ann Johnson 

      8 years ago from NW in the land of the Free

      ainehannah...Thank you for your comment and sorry about your ordeal but as you say the memories are wonderful..we have had many laughs even with her dementia as we have learned to Live in the Moment. Sadly she fell 2 weeks ago and is now in a Nursing home and this is really really HARD...I am there nearly 12 hrs. aday now...Just seems so un-fair to her,,,But it is in God's Hands...:O) :O( G-Ma Hugs

    • omdelhi profile image

      Om Prakash Singh 

      8 years ago from New Delhi

      Thanks for sharing.

    • ainehannah profile image

      Aine O'Connor 

      8 years ago from Dublin

      My father had Alzheimers for eight years and I was his primary carer for most of that time. Because of medication and his tenacity it only slipped into hopelessness shortly before he died. Your last sentence resonated with me very strongly as it's most difficult for the carer to watch and respond without losing sight of the love that carried you thus far. What prompted me to comment is what I have found since he died. Though I miss his presence in my life (and often to the extent that I've now so much time to pursue a 'normal' life that it's a disconcerting prospect), the memories now aren't of him while he was ill but of when he was whole and strong and are gentle suffusions of happiness.

    • G-Ma Johnson profile imageAUTHOR

      Merle Ann Johnson 

      8 years ago from NW in the land of the Free

      Bless you my dear...and yes it is so helpless a feeling I am with her nearly everyday and can see her slipping away...Keep the Faith dear Lady it will all work out the way it is planned in the "Circle of Life"...I tell myself that all the time..My prayers...:O) Hugs G-Ma

    • Pollyannalana profile image

      Pollyannalana 

      8 years ago from US

      All you can do is love them, the last time whether Mom knew me or not was so surprised and pleased I believe she might have or at least I was someone she knew loved her. She gets no love except from me and now I let my family convince me to let her be nearer to all them and where she will one day be by my dad, promising to go see her daily and no one, ever does, but I keep track of her by phone as much as I can and see her every couple months. There was a crisis a couple of weeks ago and could reach none of Mom's family near by so ER called me to get verbal permission to treat her, she made it through though, she has a will of iron and I can't imagine why, I have wished death fo myself more than once just seeing what she goes through, it is so depressing and some of the nurses talk to me about her like she is not even human, it hurts so bad. I know she needs me but there is nothing I can do. I have always been her baby and now she is mine. Best of luck with yours.

    • justom profile image

      justom 

      8 years ago from 41042

      Bless you G-Ma, we all need to take care of each other. Alzheimer's is, to me, the saddest of life's struggles. Peace!!

    • Cris A profile image

      Cris A 

      8 years ago from Manila, Philippines

      I know love will see you through my friend. Keep the faith! :D

    • profile image

      coffeesnob 

      8 years ago

      awww G-Ma. I will pray for you

    • G-Ma Johnson profile imageAUTHOR

      Merle Ann Johnson 

      8 years ago from NW in the land of the Free

      Even tho I don't like silly putty?...I like you LOL...Thanks Raven you are a dear sweet woman...:O) Hugs G-Ma

    • Raven King profile image

      Raven King 

      8 years ago from Cabin Fever

      I really like the photo you posted.

      Thanks for this very moving words. Very poetic.

      God Bless you!

    • G-Ma Johnson profile imageAUTHOR

      Merle Ann Johnson 

      8 years ago from NW in the land of the Free

      nobody..Thank you my dear...and of course you are right and it is always nice to be encouraged in the manner of The Lord

      God Bless you too...:O) Hugs G-Ma

    • no body profile image

      Robert E Smith 

      8 years ago from Rochester, New York

      Heaven will be full of love and free of pain, Ma. We all go there that love the Lord. We will do things together like we used to - even better. The problem is that the time here is torturous and tears a hole in your heart. I love you and will keep praying for you.

    • G-Ma Johnson profile imageAUTHOR

      Merle Ann Johnson 

      8 years ago from NW in the land of the Free

      Hi Babydoll...I Love you too...more then you know...and I will surely kiss her for you tomorrow...Thanks...:O) Hugs MOM

    • cindizzj@yahoo.co profile image

      cindizzj@yahoo.co 

      8 years ago from Northern California

      hey mom,

      that is so moving and you are not a selfish woman. i get my unselfishness from you and neither of us are selfish and never have been. Maybe we should be a little more than we are, but whos to say? Kiss grandma for me and kisses to you too.

      I love you.

    • G-Ma Johnson profile imageAUTHOR

      Merle Ann Johnson 

      8 years ago from NW in the land of the Free

      Thank You Sir Jackwms,,it is what it is and we all have a journey of our own to travel...:O) Hugs G-Ma

    • Jackwms profile image

      Jackwms 

      8 years ago

      A very well written, heartfelt, hub. The photo is great. It's so sad that this is occurring. My best to you and your mom.

    • G-Ma Johnson profile imageAUTHOR

      Merle Ann Johnson 

      8 years ago from NW in the land of the Free

      Yes my dear I know I am not Alone..and HE is in charge, but being human and such a mortal it is difficult...we pray together, her and I...Bless you and do find out all you can abt this disease it truly helps...God Bless...:O) Hugs G-Ma

    • profile image

      Sciantel 

      8 years ago

      G-Ma, my own father is now showing signs of this disease and my grandmother very much now, but try to keep in mind that this is just their physical body and that if they know the Lord Jesus, you will see them again in a place where no more sorrow or sickness exists. I know it's rough seeing them slip away but they are still there underneath. Keep up the faith, keep up your chin and know you are never alone.

    • G-Ma Johnson profile imageAUTHOR

      Merle Ann Johnson 

      8 years ago from NW in the land of the Free

      VioletSun...you are such a lovely woman yourself...and so understanding...In the MOMENT is what it is about really...I just have to write to help me and other's if it does.

      There is so much that goes on and unless you go through it yourself you just cannot truly understand...GOD Bless you...:O) Hugs G-Ma

    • VioletSun profile image

      VioletSun 

      8 years ago from Oregon/ Name: Marie

      I love that photo of your Mom and step Dad... the clothes are so classical. :)

    • VioletSun profile image

      VioletSun 

      8 years ago from Oregon/ Name: Marie

      G-Ma: As you share openly your feelings about your Mom's Alzheimer's you are helping others, even if its just to see that they are not alone. I remember, I used to pretend that I understood what Mom was saying, as it all came in gibberish as she couldn't put the words together (and she was an eloquent woman before her illness) so she would feel comfortable, even if it was for just that moment. I guess, being in the moment is not only the best we can do with our loved ones who have Alzheimer's but with life itself.

      Giving you (((((((G-Ma))))))

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