The Embrace that Suffocates
He sat behind his piano making those minor strokes of his that he memorized since a young age. With every key, the past's fists would come beating on his memories' fragile wooden door. His soul shook every time the fists made contact with the surfaces of his sanity. His whole world swayed and he knew, and knew very well, that soon he will lose his grip.
Soon, the dark monster which he hid behind those inanimate walls would be set free. Yet again, he knew that he had no control over him once the past came haunting his temporary peace of mind deciding to shatter his stronghold. Inside, lurked a demon from his past, yet to the outer world he decided to wear a facade that would preserve his status as a virtuoso when it came to music.
So he decided to ignore the beating fists on his shaky door, and play those little buttons of his while indulging himself in faked peacefulness. He let his fingers dance, swiftly moving from one button to another he emptied the tears he held onto for so long creating a melody that swayed the heart like a pendulum between hate and love, light and dark, love and despair. The notes were dipped in despair for so long and his sonata would speak of loss after bliss, pain after a short while of love, but most importantly it spoke of betrayal. And as he played and alternated from slow to fast rhythms, the notes mingled with the intense feeling of emptiness and created a misty musk like atmosphere that made the listener see through the notes in which he mourned his lovers.
As he hit the second half of his composition, she appeared to him in her dazzling white hospital gown. Her fragile body has lost most of its weight; after all, she was only skin and bones. Her old bronze hair lost its luster ages ago, and soon it was dropping due to her treatment. He played trying to make peace with the figure that she wore when she departed this world, but the images of her suffering were nothing less than stakes that tore through the muscles of his heart and made his fingers and tendons shaken with electric intensity. His heart rate slowed down, his eyes now open wide stared at the fragile figure; he had given in to her presence in the middle of his recital , and he knew that the outer world would be waiting for his finale but he was struck with fear.
It was getting cold, and his limbs itched to move to cover his eyes, yet, no matter how many times he begged his body to comply with his orders to move, his eyes would stare at those of the figure in front of him. They were cold, distant and lifeless. They did not belong to this world, and he knew that well. He eyed the figure in front of him in pain and felt his blood run cold in his veins. It was a horrendous sight, and he simply wished he were blind at that moment.
Gasping for air, he tried to comprehend the situation. Calling for help, he found no voice coming out from his voice box, and he knew the monster has been set free. He tried to shut his eyes firmly, but the image burned through the inner covering on his eyelid. It felt like the nails of her image tore right through his eyelids and placed itself inside his eyeball. The figure of death was so close to him that he could almost feel its bitterness and lack of warmth yet , so far as well.
That figure was so far from being that of the one he loved. That figure reeked of desolation and despair. It was morbid up to the very core.
He retracted his fingers from the piano, which was the first time he has done that since birth. And he gasped for air. Holding his hand out to her translucent figure he heard the world stop. He knew, that he had to continue playing, he knew that his piano controlled the world. He knew lots of stuff including her last minute desires to be put to sleep, yet he knew that he could not control fate. He knew his sin, and knew well that his conscience has not given it.
Shaking from within, he saw the notes he wrote as a lament of ice and sorrow dedicated to her fly off his music sheet and embrace her. Little black notes left him and soon he was speechless. Her figure remained there, translucent as it is, with one extended arm towards him.
Armen tried to shake those poisonous thoughts but he failed. The images of how she begged him to put her to sleep raped his inner core. He had regretted it, and it had eaten the life out of him for the past years, but now, her desires for eternal rest have come to make him pay his dues.
And so the beast made him remember how he administered the drug into her IV. Indeed, it was her wish to end her suffering. And he did it out of love. HE CHERISHED HER after all ! Yet, the guilt of sending your loved one onto the boat of death was no easy thing. It weighed him down bringing his life to a complete hectic mess. It was her choice and his choice, yet, it dug into his core like a cannibalistic worm would feed like a cadaver on a carcass .
It was the carcass of his beloved one, and he was that filthy worm that ended her life with his own loving hands. Those, he looked at his hands, were the hands that caressed her bronze hair, her lovely cheek, as well as her breasts. Those, were the hands that felt her beating heart at night , yet again, those were the hands of death that took away her life.
The memories kept on violating his forced peace of mind. And the battle raged between his sanity and guilt. He was destined to fall and she was his tormentor. In his mind she appeared to have awakened the monsters that he had repressed for the three years. Lurking they have spent these three years, but, awakened they stand, and hell knows no fury like those of repressed monsters borne out of guilt.
He looked at her eyes, eyes that have embraced death, eyes that have tasted life's bitter cup, and finally eyes that have seen the crooked side of the afterlife. Her hand was as is, reeking of death and coldness. But was there spite in her eyes? Why was she appearing to him after 3 years? Why now?
Armen started wondering if it were the piece that he dedicated to her that summoned her. It has been three years since she left him, three sickening years that drove him away from anything related to music, 3 years of pain and anger directed at god, 3 miserable years. Yet, after those years, he has been able to mourn her loss; after those 3 years he offers her a prayer, and a lament of sorrow and distress. Yet she appears before him, in her suffering state, after all these years.
Armen wonders about that and watches his trembling hand try to make contact with the fragile arm extended to him. "Sop-hia....", his voice is shaky and his will has faded. His shaky arm extends into the thin air and he watches his soul screech for his beloved one. Disregarding his piano, he makes contact with his beloved one after 3 years of separation.
"Dear, I have missed you", Sophia exclaims and drags him by the arm and embraces him forcefully.
In the light, his Sophia was more beautiful than ever. His heart is no longer capable of beating, yet, he could feel it racing to her side. All that allure of hers was back and she was there all radiant and warm.
"It was your guilt of letting me die that made you suffer dear. It is time to rest! Rest on my shoulder for once; you may drop that facade of yours and show me your true pain. No one can see you in this extremely bright light, and you may cry as much as you want. "
She stroke his face gently saying, "You have repressed your pain and walked a path of darkness for quite a long period of time; yet, everything has reached a point of resolution. The point where everything and nothingness entwine, where we all walk off this stage and battlefield made for broken souls such as ourselves called life.... After all, it is time for the Lord to claim this life and eradicate it!"
~~The Embrace that Suffocates~~