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An Exerp from my novel I am working on.

Updated on December 19, 2015
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I know

I know it needs grammatical work. It is still in the writing and editing stages. Just let me jnowif you guys like it and what you think? Would you read it? Pass? Not good? Let me know

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The planet of Anex is a very peaceful planet. The entire world is very flourished and vibrant. Teaming with life and beautifully over grown plants. From the swamps to the lush thick forests, stunning from end to end. The people of the planet have a mix of sentient lifeforms and absolutely filled with beautiful wildlife. The people indigenous to the planet, know as Anites, are both humans and morguans. And both of these people ruled, and loved their planet from their capital city, Murachec. Absolutely gorgeous. Tall buildings, all made of stone and usually covered with plants. It was probably the closes thing to a realistic garden of Eden that anybody could come by. It was a shame it was the spark to set the flame.
“My Madam, I am sorry but we must proceed to our shuttle.” Said a royal guard to the queen, who was kneeling into the grass adjacent to a tiny pond. The Queen reached into the pond slowly. “My Madam. May we proceed? We will be fairly late to the Galactic Council. You know if we are late we may miss something rather…”
“Hush Jenrori,” The Queen whispered to him, as she pulled a fish out of the water. “All in due time. Politics can wait. Politics are depressing, unlike nature.” She began stroking the fish, and the fish remained still in her hand, as if knowing and calm. “Nature is beautiful. It is the most amazing thing this universe has to offer. What do politics offer us? Corruption? Arguments? Each thing leads to another in politics, everything is a game and a job to those people over at the Council. None of them know how to stop and enjoy the universe, our beautiful galaxy for as it is.” She slowly kneeled down to the pond, barely dipping her fingers into the water allowing the fish to be released to its natural home. “Beings belong in nature. No being is better than another, no matter the size, shape, intelligence, or even whether it is sentient or not. We all belong to the universe. I belong to Anix.” She paused and touched Jenrori, “You belong to Anix.” She waved her left hand to the pond, and the fish wiggled its tail above the surface of the water creating a small ripple. “He belongs to Anix, and Anix to the galaxy, and our galaxy to the universe.” She paused for a moment, closing her eyes. “Politics make me sad Jenrori. It is a game, and whoever wants power plays to win. Go ahead to the ship, I will be there in a moment.”
Jenrori walked up to the queen, placing a hand on her left shoulder. “It is beautiful. Just nature will always be here. In one form or another. Politics are fleeting, but it is a pain we must all endure unfortunately, because there are people that disagree with you. And some ma wish you harm. In one way or another it is all in the name of politics.” He turned around and began walking to the ship.
The queen of Anix gazed over the landscape. She could see the swamps to the south and the plains to the east from her landing platform. “I always like to look at nature as if it will be my last.” She whispered to herself In that moment an explosion went off underneath thee platform. The entire thing began tilting towards the ground. Jenrori now in the ship desperately fumbled around to make it back out again to save his queen. Unfortunately it was too late. The entire platform and ship to a huge gravity nose dive to the grassy fields below. As Jenrori braced for impact, reaching for what he could for stability he smashed his head on a nearby door terminal rendering him completely unconscious for an unknown amount of time.
When Jenrori came to, it took him several minutes to register what had happened. There was black all around him and he was unable to tell if it was just dark or if it was a smoldering cloud of dust and smoke surrounding him and draping him in the darkness. “MY QUEEN!” He screamed hoping to get a response or some sort of indication she had survived. He slowly stumbled and crawled to the closest door and slammed on the emergency decompress button. The doors flew off at speeds so fast that the transformation between door and scrap medal was nearly instantaneous. It took him a minute or too, that must have felt like hours to emerge from the destroyed ship. “MY QUEEN! WHERE ARE YOU!” He screamed, begging inside to get a response. “WHERE ARE YOU? PLEASE RESPOND! TELL ME YOU ARE OKAY! MY QUEEN! MY QUEEN!” Each time he screamed his blood must have curdled more and more sounding nearly demonic, just begging for a respond from his queen. The he saw it. The queens body pined beneath the wreckage of the fallen ship. “NO MY QUEEN PLEASE TELL ME YOU ARE ALRIGHT!” He dropped too his knees, and ripped open some of her dress. He began viciously thrusting into her chest. “ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR, FIVE, SIX….” He pumped and pumper, “FIFTEEN, SIXTEEN, SEVENTEEN.” He took a deep breath, just tearing as much air as he could from the sky, only to force it right into his queens lungs. It was only after a several minutes had passed that he finally dropped to his knees and began to cry. “I AM SORRY! I FAILED YOU!” He cried, tears streaming down his face like a forceful river. He looked down at his queens lifeless hand, grasping something for dear life. It was the only part of her body retaining any sort of color. He watched as her hand slowly opened. It was the fish, except this time it was flopping about and around, completely disheveled and scared. Jenrori watched the fish as it flopped in the queens hand, struggling, grasping for water, begging and pleading with the air to return it to the water. The fish fought for a good few seconds until ultimately succumbing to his inevitable fate. And as the fish, flapped his fin one last time, the color in the queens hand left with the fishes final moment.
It took Jenrori several moments to recover. He just kneeled in front of the wreckage, for what must have felt an eternity. After several minutes he final came to again, and that is when he heard it. The sounds of blaster fire, and the screams of women and children in the streets above him in Murachec. The sounds of explosions and stone crumbling ran just as rampant as the sounds of screaming and blaster fire. Jenrori moved as fast as he could to get up and begin running. He kicked it to the stairs that led back to the city, one by one with every step he heard screams being cut short, most of the screaming didn’t even get a start, right after the first bit of air exited a person he immediately heard the sound of blaster fire followed by silence.
When Jenrori finally reached the top of the stairs he saw a blast zoom past his head. Making him have to duck and slide immediately into cover. Soon these blasts were coming from every direction, he needed to get moving before he was killed, and he surely wasn’t giving anybody the satisfaction of hearing him scream. But when he ran from his cover he was met with a barrage of blaster fire. Only narrowly escaping by diving onto his stomach and immediately getting back into a sprint to the next cover. He got ready for the next sprint and duck to cover, giving himself a second to breath, however in that one second he gave himself a destroid grenade slid by him and tapped his right leg. His entire face froze with fear. His body following suit, but just as quickly escaping the shock to change to reflex action. Jumped and dove as much as he could to escape the possible blast radius of the destroid. However to no avail it went off in a spark of black, and white, with splashes of yellow, and orange, all coming at him at once. The blast nicked him sending him spinning out of control and against a wall breaking his back and legs on impact. His blood curdled trying to let out a scream. But his screams weren’t heard. Whether the reason being he had no air in his lungs to scream in pain, or the screams of his fellow citizens was just too all encompassing that his was just muttered with the others.
He groaned and crawled in pain. Constant pain that refused to leave his body. But he couldn`t just let his people die. He needed to do something. One agonizing crawl after the other. Each sweaty bloody shaking hand clawed at the ground moving him centimeter by centimeter. He scratched, and clawed, dirt and stone filling the gab underneath his nails. He must have gotten no more than five meters before another destroid explosion sent him spiraling and spinning uncontrollably down the stone paved road. The sporadic tumbling sent him down the road right into some rugged removed pavement and stone. There was enough road removed in such a way for Jenrori to crawl beneath something. Enough time to hide and grab a barring on the situation. He began crawling underneath the staggered stones and rocks all the while the sounds of screams, laser fire, and the bright red and orange of explosions and the warmth that accompanies it filled the air around him.
There was a painful ringing that filled Jenrori’s ears as the terrorizing sounds started to subside. He looked around looking for a chance to help, a way at all to stop the horror occurring in front of him. Out of the darkness came a chance. A mother and three kids in a line crouching with ferocity. One in hand with another in a chain moved across the dark in hope and anguish. Both in fear of the unpredictable nature of this attack, and a hope to keep her children safe the mother guided her younglings across Jenrori’s path. “Hey over here” Jenrori whispered across the road. The family continued to scurry as if ignoring him. “Hey it is safe…..” He began coughing in pain, “hey…”his coughs became increasingly more violent, “It is safe..!!!” He was no screaming but his lack of air and coughing subsided his plies to an even lesser volume then previously. His heart swelled, he couldn’t aid this family, and unlike his volume, the coughing and pain continued to rise. Suddenly the family stopped so suddenly that a professional fighter pilot wouldn’t be able to stop on such a dime. He had a spark of hope. Maybe they heard him, maybe they would come and hide where it was safe. Moments passed and they didn’t move an inch. With each passing second his hope turned into anguish. Why aren’t they moving? Are they coming or not? Suddenly out of the dark, he saw the reason for their apparent freezing.
A group of three people dressed in all black from head to toe came from the dark alley way, storming down the road. Only of the heads looked human, while the other had extremely large ears, ending at a point. Judging from his hand his color was red, maybe purple, with only 4 fingers, it was hard for Jenrori to tell, he was probably Remordian.
The men quickly ran over to the family. One of the kids let go of another and tried bolting away. The Remordian quickly drew his blaster. The mother grabbed her kids trying to shield their eyes. But she was too slow and they watched. All of them witnessed their sibling get shot through the chest. And as quickly as the blaster fire punctured his body and dissolved, his body dropped. Jenrori gasped for air. His hearts beats started furiously pounding, more and more rapid and frequently. He never saw anybody murdered before, let alone one of his own people.
The mother screamed along with the children almost in unison. With the screams one of the men grabbed the mother by the neck and lifted her off the ground. Gasping, begging with the air to enter her lungs, the color began to drain from her face and the life fade from her. She was about to pass out and die. While the one strangled the mother, the other man lined up the other kids on their knees. Turning them around to face Jennrori. Jenrori and all the children made simultaneous eye contact. If only he wasn’t hurt. If only they heard him, if only his coughing had subsided. He could see his city in flames in their eyes, in their tears.
Systematically the second human and the Remordian shot the children in cold blood. One by one each of their bodies fell over. Tears streaming down Jenrori’s face. With each helpless kids body falling face first, his hearts beating grew more and more rapid. He couldn’t take it. His heart was on the verge of breaking. He couldn’t understand how people could be so evil, how somebody could just murder children. It was just too damn sadistic and plain evil. All the children were dead before the first human let go of the mother. Letting her drop to the ground. He picked her back up by the hair pulling her to her feet. He yanked her up hard enough for blood to start streaming from down her scalp. He put their faces together, touching at the forehead. He spoke through his teeth breathing heavily. “This is what happens when your damn politics fail. The innocent die. You have no protection.” He pulled her away and turned her around. He shot her in both her knees, sending her crumbling down. He pulled her head back. “FOR PEACE!” He screamed. He raised his blaster to her head and blasted her from the top of the head. Her color faded and he threw her to the ground on top of her children. The Remordian motioned for them to continue and they followed suit.
Jenrori started gasping and wheezing. It was too much for him to handle. His heart continued to rapidly beat, faster and faster. A stroke? Heart attack? This had never happened before, then again this sort of situation has never happened before. Maybe it was a panic attack? He thought to himself. There wasn’t enough air getting into him, and his heart continued to grow more and more rapid with speed, until suddenly…….He blacked out.

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    • John Colarusso profile image
      Author

      John Colarusso 2 years ago

      Thank you so much Cee-Jay. You have no idea how happy it makes me knowing peoplr acctually enjoy what I am writing. You made my day.

    • Cee-Jay Aurinko profile image

      Cee-Jay Aurinko 2 years ago from Cape Town, South Africa

      I would absolutely read it John. It's very engaging. Do write it!

    • John Colarusso profile image
      Author

      John Colarusso 2 years ago

      Thank you for the offer and for the feed back. Yes I am in the first drafting stage so I have some creative changes I plan on making. I might be miss understanding you but this is a third person narrarator, and in the bigger span of my planned book there will be "multiple points of view" but still in third person. And yes i should have done a better part of breaking it up here on hubpages but on regular paper it looks fine. But thank you agian for the feed back

    • Ameraka profile image

      Evelyn 2 years ago from Wisconsin

      You have a lot of action in the very first chapter, which is good. It kept me reading to the end. I felt I was with the POV character, Jenrori.

      I'd actually cut out the first paragraph and jump right into the action, if I were you. You can weave the background of the planet into the narrative, explain it as you go along. I actually thought it was going to be from the Queen's POV at first; you might want to give a hint, like something Jenrori felt or thought, to show that you're writing this from his POV.

      Also it would probably be best to break it up into smaller paragraphs, and to put a space between paragraphs to make it look more readable.

      And there were some grammatical errors, but a good editor could fix that. Don't worry about the editing process till after the first draft. I'd be willing to help you out if you want.

      Other than that it's a great story and I look forward to reading more!

    • John Colarusso profile image
      Author

      John Colarusso 2 years ago

      Thank you for your feedback

    • Jodah profile image

      John Hansen 2 years ago from Queensland Australia

      Hi John, this story is quite gipping and shows a lot of promise as a novel. As you say in the introduction, it does need a lot of work on gammar. There are also some spelling mistakes, missing words here and there etc.

      For a hub it is quite long, so to keep a reader's attention you need to break the text up into more distinct paragraphs and place photos, 'call outs" or other capsules between the text. Keep working on it though because the story is good.

    working