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An Open Letter to The City of Angels

Updated on October 10, 2019

It's a quarter to one am in Bangkok,
a quarter to 11 am in LA.
Too late to call you,
and wondering
if I have
the strength
to
tell you
the Truth.

It breaks my heart
that you are
there
and I am
here
on the other side of the World
struggling
with
what has come to pass...

My husband just asked me if I had "changed my mind..."
I ask him about what?
He answers, "About calling The City of Angels?"
I reply, "It's too late...it's a quarter to 1."
"So you changed your mind," he says.
I tell him that I am writing...

Meanwhile the TV tells me that Paris Jackson is in the hospital...
I think about her family and the tragic loss of her father...
Supposedly Obama is also in town...
I think about Monsanto...
China
and
the Cold War.

Source
President Obama in Denver, CO.
President Obama in Denver, CO. | Source

"It's too late,"

repeats my mind...
Too late to heal these wounds,
too late to return
from the Rubicon line of division.

I want to tell her that I am sorry that he died...
and that I miss Somchai
who was like an Uncle to me
and like a brother to her...
Thank you Mom for indirectly letting me know...
that he died last week
She told my daughter over Instagram
while we were playing on a beach
in Kauai.

Instead,
I watch the time pass
Telling myself
I can wait...

Source

I miss my family
They blame me for what happened...
I should have never told them about the deals...
Should have quietly closed them...
My mistake...I was tired of keeping secrets

Never imagining that their greed would become insurmountable
They play a cruel game
Of Hide and Seek and sabotage
scared to even talk to me
but their excuse
is to say that
I am to blame
for everything
I am to blame
for saving our Empire...
Isn't that what you once called it?
จักรวรรดิ in Thai...

We speak different languages
even in our hearts
"Live and Let Live"
And
"To Each his Own"
Your favorite quotes...

"Please Do Love One Another..."
My Italian grandfather Sergio's last words to
my father Art
Whom now is also gone
Out of sight
Out of time
Also blaming everyone else
but himself

Husband wants my time

"Is that all you are going to do today...is write?" he asks.

He doesn't understand
that this is my lifeline

That these words is what
keeps me safe
keeps me sane
to release this pain.

Inside
my
own
quieter
secret world of words,

where this goes here,

and that goes there,
and no one is to blame,
and yet a fire starts with a flame
so who lit this family flame
that
is now
a roaring inferno?

http://www.denverpost.com/news/ci_20861901/high-park-fire-jumps-poudre-river-80-homes
http://www.denverpost.com/news/ci_20861901/high-park-fire-jumps-poudre-river-80-homes | Source

My enemies accuse me

for starting this out of control fire
making them millions
earning my keep
and yet
instead of sharing
what was agreed upon
they have kept it all
thieves and vultures
flew back to Thailand
to "help"
I should have known better

They don't care
about
our
legacy
about what is right or what is kind
all they care about
is this is mine
mine
mine...

Is "Greed Good?"

Greed destroys nations
and families
and will ultimately
Destroy our world.

The Chess Master lost it all and more.

My Uncle Khun Dang
My Uncle Khun Dang
My uncle Khun Dang leaning over his guests in the white shirt.
My uncle Khun Dang leaning over his guests in the white shirt.

My Italian grandfather lost it all as well...

He once was a wealthy Italian son of a Count
he died in a common ward in Rome
penniless and with the son
he tortured
who had forgiven him
my father
at his side.

My grandfather Sergio Retti Marsani in Geneva, Switzerland
My grandfather Sergio Retti Marsani in Geneva, Switzerland | Source

Instead my mother was generous and kind

And shared her wealth
And came up with a Win Win plan
but plans
often change
and contracts are broken
both verbal and written
and the trials
were endless
the abuse
toxic...

At long last
I collapsed
symbolically on our Temple Land
too tired to stand up
even for one moment longer.
The villagers tried to help
my sisters told me I waved them away...

View from what use to be our Temple Land in Khao Tao, Thailand
View from what use to be our Temple Land in Khao Tao, Thailand | Source

Mom...your mother once told me

"For you everything..."
She wanted me to have everything...
Everything is what I have now...
I have my husband and children and friends...
I have dolphins and manta rays and pelicans
Dreams coming true
one after another...

We Win some and
Loose some and
In the background of these words
I hear my husband talking to his brother..
My husband nearly lost his Mother a few weeks ago
She was in the ICU
But she is strong
Stronger than bamboo
She survived, inshallah, as she always has
and more than just survive
she is one of the kindest souls on this Earth

Her treasure is her family

and yet she is also realistic
she knows the value of money
and lives within her means
Sharing what she can
spiritually
and materially.

His Majesty The King and Queen of Thailand with my Grandfather in Khao Tao.
His Majesty The King and Queen of Thailand with my Grandfather in Khao Tao.

Loss of life

lasts forever
never again will I be able to
hear Somchai talk...
The last time we talked,
we talked about the King
About our love for him
and the Thai Nation.
My dear beloved Somchai
answered my question...
regarding our Father...
he explained what he knew to be true...
which moved me to tears...

Somchai in Bronco's jersey #6 in Khao Tao in  May 2013.
Somchai in Bronco's jersey #6 in Khao Tao in May 2013. | Source

While losing her husband,

Rose begged me to forgive you
She said she could see that you were in pain
I forgive you Mom
I forgive myself

Eric and I hit it out of the park...
3 home runs in a row.
And now,
I am a wounded player
tired of the Game...
not sure if we are now playing
poker or chess?

An email to me from the NSA...I told them they had the wrong sister.
An email to me from the NSA...I told them they had the wrong sister. | Source

Shouldn't all of this...our HISTRAWBERRY

remain secret?
Would you rather I write a fictional version
of our story vs our real story?
Reminds me of the movie Life of Pi
Remember I wanted us to watch it together
with Terri in Bangkok?
Remember we did watch it...together at Paragon?

“To lose a brother is to lose someone with whom you can share the experience of growing old, who is supposed to bring you a sister-in-law and nieces and nephews, creatures who people the tree of your life and give it new branches. To lose your father is to lose the one whose guidance and help you seek, who supports you like a tree trunk supports its branches. To lose your mother, well, that is like losing the sun above you. It is like losing--I'm sorry, I would rather not go on.”

― Yann Martel, Life of Pi

Amputated limbs...an old tree guarding Waipio Valley.
Amputated limbs...an old tree guarding Waipio Valley. | Source

If there is a way to heal our family

I pray we find it
because
right
now
everything
feels
broken

I hold onto a string
that you will remember
moments where we laughed
and the lizard Alfred
swimming in the pool...

Alfred the Lizard swimming in our salt water pool in Khao Tao. This was the first and only time that we ever saw him. I nicknamed him Alfred (my Thai grandfather's Christian name).
Alfred the Lizard swimming in our salt water pool in Khao Tao. This was the first and only time that we ever saw him. I nicknamed him Alfred (my Thai grandfather's Christian name).

I hold onto a thread

a silk worm
weaving
a pattern
for you to find
vanishing
fading
quietly waiting

Waiting for you to decide
whether your daughter is worth
anything
Or worth less
Useless
Just a piece of rubbish
to throw away
left in a country that you love and despise
America Mom...
Land of the Free
And Home of the Brave
The country where you planted me
from Sea to shining Sea...
You left me here
so long ago
history repeats itself
I am here again
Left
Over
And
Out
Abandoned
by the Sun and the Moon
without my father's support,
nor my mother's
hand
that for a kind moment
lovingly took my arm
as we left the bank
in an effort
to truly help me.

This letter will never be sent...
but it helped me to write it...
I will always love and miss my family...
and pray that we will
reunite
one day
in Peace.

Chiang Rai Sunset
Chiang Rai Sunset | Source

Comments

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    • Prisana profile imageAUTHOR

      Prisana Nuechterlein 

      6 years ago from Thailand and Colorado

      Epi....I have missed you! Thank you so much for reading my letter. It was quite the experience writing it in Malibu and then posting it for the world to see...I am becoming braver in that regard, however, to be fair...my Mom and sisters should tell their side, but instead one sister threatened to sue me (I had threatened to sue first shortly after leaving Thailand and than later realized that I couldn't afford to do so plus who wants to waste precious moments in life battling out family biz in Thai courts?)...in any case, by being the first one to fight back legally it only fed the fire and gave them more reason to call me vindictive etc. A few weeks ago, I got an email from unnamed sister telling me that she could sue me...I told her to bring it on. Haven't heard boo. Oh the drama...sad isn't it? I still miss them every day and wake up with this sad feeling...the way you wake up from a bad dream and than are relieved because it was just a dream, but instead I wake up and feel the opposite realizing that it was reality haunting my nights and that everything truly did happen.

      The other day, I had the most beautiful dream during a cat nap. In my dream, Rocky aka Richard Parker (our communal Rottweiler) comes prancing home and leaps onto my bed, where I am surrounded by a litter of baby tigers licking me and playing all around me. What a glorious way to wake up. It was as if some higher power had intervened giving me just what I needed to wake up smiling!

      Hugs to Little Miss and Mr. G....cold in Denver. Monsoon rains and thanks again for lifting my spirits and linking my manifesto to your FB page. FB has once again grounded me from adding any new FB friends...this time for one month. I know we tried to connect there once before...if you could request me one more time, than I could accept. Have a GREAT day!

    • epigramman profile image

      epigramman 

      6 years ago

      A very epic piece of personal writing my precious Prisana - as you probably know by now , Epi never writes from confession or from personal experiences (well, lol, once in awhile) but I am so moved by your narrative treatment here as if it had unfolded in my head like a cinematic film experience. You have taken the genre of poetry into an exciting different direction - I am quite frankly stunned and amazed at your craft here - you don't need writing school, writing school needs you.

      Sending you my warmest wishes from Colin, Little Miss Tiffy and Mister Gabriel, home after work and it's our Canadian summer now - hot hot hot at lake erie time canada 6:09am and I will post and link most proudly and gladly and madly your poetic manifesto to my FB page for all to see and read.

    • Prisana profile imageAUTHOR

      Prisana Nuechterlein 

      6 years ago from Thailand and Colorado

      Dear James,

      I have been blessed...so many dreams and opportunities...funny...lately all I really want to do is play with my kids, husband, friends, Rocky (our communal dog) and go on walks. Writing here is easier than for the WSJ...here, I give it away for free...but we all have to make a living -- so at some point, I will have to finish my articles for payment. But until then, I love this space where my words are free to roam about randomly across the web...

    • James-wolve profile image

      Tijani Achamlal 

      6 years ago from Morocco

      Dear Prisana,

      You are blessed with extraordinary opportunities and experiences. Today is one of those experiences .TAKE it , jump as quickly at opportunities as you do at conclusions as Benjamin Frankiln says.Those dreams can wait :)at some point in your life,You will accomplish them.Dont worry ;)

      James

    • Prisana profile imageAUTHOR

      Prisana Nuechterlein 

      6 years ago from Thailand and Colorado

      Vinaya - Thank you for reading my letter/dramatic poem...it was a long one. It's 2:27 am in Denver...I keep waking up in the middle of the night...sleep alludes me. 3 hours here, 2 hours there...will be in Nirvana when I finally reach the goal of 7 straight blissful hours. I want to visit Nepal and Morocco! James - Yes, I agree..."challenging authority" especially in an Asian family, is simply not done! Better to agree than to disagree with said Authority!

      Back to work...I have more pictures for this poem, but my time on Hubpages is not work...my time here is illuminating...reading so many great hubs from such a group of unbelievably talented writers and also sharing my own words has been truly rewarding and fulfilling.

      A friend (who lives in Washington DC and has worked as a press secretary) asked me tonight if I was afraid of finishing my Wall Street Journal feature story? At first I thought, absolutely not, but now I wonder if maybe there was some truth to her question. Every time the door opens and it has opened several times for me to reach the top tier, it's as if I just can't quite make myself walk just that last bit further. Can I actually be afraid of success? My dream was never to be a famous or even a well known writer...my original dream was to be a marine biologist...I wanted to film dolphins and work for National Geographic...do you think I have ever queried them? Nope..not once. I wanted to be Jaquelina Cousteaufina...

    • Vinaya Ghimire profile image

      Vinaya Ghimire 

      6 years ago from Nepal

      Prisana,

      Believe me I have not read as good as this dramatic poem since a long time. You wonderfully portray anguish of a daughter who is bonded to her mother and your mixed emotions about being placed in different culture.

    • James-wolve profile image

      Tijani Achamlal 

      6 years ago from Morocco

      Oh that s a good news but challenging authority is no good hahaha hell will be broken loose :) be careful!

      James

      hugs and love from northern Morocco

      James

    • Prisana profile imageAUTHOR

      Prisana Nuechterlein 

      6 years ago from Thailand and Colorado

      Thanks James. It is definitely a confession...last note I got from an unnamed person who is in this confession...via Line she wrote: "Do not challenge Authority..you will only get your demise..dismiss"

      Such a loving and caring letter don't you think? I wrote a kind and loving note back. Have a great day! Life is getting better by the second...HEALING because of amazing friends and family (or family members who are trying to help me heal vs playing games and just being mean).

    • James-wolve profile image

      Tijani Achamlal 

      6 years ago from Morocco

      What a beautiful confession !It seems your life full of ups and downs according to this unsent letter.I love it.You dealt with many issues.Voted up!

    • Prisana profile imageAUTHOR

      Prisana Nuechterlein 

      6 years ago from Thailand and Colorado

      Thank you Sunny...I didn't realize that it had already been published...I thought it was still in the pending stage...thank you for reading my letter and for reaching across the web...I spent most of today writing this and oddly enough it was the first day that I lasted the entire day without taking any pain killers...definitely therapeutic...helps also to be "hiding out" in Malibu to recover...it is so beautiful here. I know I live the dream life compared to most so I count my blessings but yes...painful to figure out what to do next and how best to proceed with caution...thanks again for your kind comment.

    • Sunny River profile image

      Sunny River 

      6 years ago from A Place Without A Name which resides somewhere between Fantasy and Belief, just north of Reality

      I don't know exactly what's going on in your life, though I caught the jist of it. All I really want to do right now is reach across the miles that separate us and give you a hug. I don't know who you are but I was deeply touched by your words.

      God bless.

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