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Angels don't smile

Updated on May 4, 2014

Gabriel

Source

For almost half of a century

I’ve been shaking-it-off


Like a dog coming-up out of the water


feeling baptized by the lightness


having shed the weight


of all the denseness


that kept me immersed


in a round-about undertow


always taking me further down


that ‘ol rabbit hole.


Compromising and settling-in


covered-up and underneath


believing all-along it was


supposed to be heavy.


Taught that, the struggle within


was all part of the scene.


Always told to ‘let-it-go’


and, so I did.


I stopped all the thrashing about.


I ceased rebelling at every turn.


I went to work like any good slave


and went home after, for more


instruction via all the other’s


in the game.


No matter what I did, or where


I turned … It was all in vain


as I continued to accept and


go along … and do what I


thought I was supposed to do


the people I’d known, and felt


the closest to


all started dying …


one by one –


Like a champion, I went


through those motions –


Head held high


I was as strong as an amazon


Like those giants of old


I rose above …


For wasn’t it written to:


‘Eat, drink and be merry?’


And seeing, sometimes, how


my own time was almost up …


I took up study and contemplated any


alternatives …


Ancient writings showed very


few examples.


Such as Enoch and Elijah …


But I knew I would not


have their fate, nor would


I even parallel the attempts


of Gilgamesh …


for I was nobody special


living in the 21st century.




Nobody wanted to impregnate


me with spiritual beings,


nor, had I even been tempted


to do any wrong thing by


anything contrary


to what things seemed to be:


Sleep, wake, primp, eat, work, groom,


study, rest … and take the approved


prescriptions …


If anything were to suddenly ail me …


No grand exits or entrances –


No major calamities, not even


indifference.


Just going along like everybody


else around me.


Entertained by celebrities


They stood-out of the norm


like royalty …


Sports and music, dance, books


and movies …


All alluding to specific criteria


where after some drama


all was put to rest in a neat,


tidy package … so I could


sleep well at night and dream


of the coming weekend when I


would put my feet up for a minute


where I wouldn’t find


anything to complain about.


But, nevertheless,


I started to question the


good life.


Why were people starving in 3rd world countries?


Why is there fluoride in


all the drinking water?


Why is my country muscling-in


on them?


Why are there chemtrails


all over the sky?


Why are birds and fish dropping


like flies?


Why are so many people obese,


or depressed?


Why are the police stalking


my neighborhood in bulletproof


vests?


Everywhere I looked


I began to notice


How odd – those empty eyes …


That person is not a person –


That person is a clone –


And they’re all walking around


my vicinity … the walking dead,


like zombies … Just like me.


What do I appear like, to them?


People have always been


nice to me.


Even if they were evil.


It’s not something I ever really


Noticed until I began to suspect


some type of conspiracy …


I just thought I was lucky


and had a good personality …


But when there’s a 25 foot


angel always hovering around


you … People tend to be nice.


Wake up, eat, clean-up … Go!


Make stuff, sell stuff … throw


stuff away … Buy stuff … Drink


stuff … Watch TV … Make plans


due to some commercial you see …


Go to bed in comfortable sheets …


Ah, the good life …


So why do I want to forget?


Why do I want to knock myself out?


Because I can’t afford the latest Iphone?


Because, I’ll never be a queen?


Because what I do all day …


doesn’t seem to really accomplish


anything –


Because I haven’t got enough


money for the newest wrinkle


cream?


Because I can’t pretend I


am something I am not …


which would be 20 years younger


I image I would have


more power –


I imagine I would’ve made


wiser decisions …


I imagine I would’ve married


for love and not convenience –


Thinking I had all the time


in the world …


Which is now spent.


The whole period of time


from then until now … has


been like a dream with little


glimpses of small awakenings


in between –


Little recollections here and there –


The seeds of wisdom being


placed in areas where


I made the biggest mistakes.


All those wasted, wasted years …


Trying to seem normal.


Desiring to fit-in.


All that pretending … so that


I wouldn’t inconvenience


anybody.


Because I wasn’t worth the fuss.


Why wasn’t I?


I didn’t want to cry wolf?


My life was good enough –


I was healthy … I wasn’t starving –


people liked me …


I feared ostracization, humiliation –


Some cellular memory …


Some sort of dishonesty …


I couldn’t know any truth if I


didn’t know it was in existence –


Just do what you’re told and


behave. Don’t make any waves –


Nobody wants to be the one


they’re all pointing at –


Somewhere along the line – my veneer


started to crack!


I took it inward – against myself


I emptied my body by shooting-


it-up with drugs …


and I let all the little pieces crash


and fall – Until that whole scene got old.


It took almost a decade


to clean up the mess –


Only to wake-up not wanting


to go to work.


Not caring if I had the


newest gadget on the market.


It was all for naught.


Alone, I clumsily crawl out


of bed at any hour.


I never watch the clock –


I have nothing of value –


I don’t know how I will live


tomorrow –


or if there will be a tomorrow.


I am never entertained


by anything I have to pay


for –


It’s all the same stupid story –


over and over and over again.


The one you love – is obsessed


with another – The one who


loves you – you already knew –


The days go by from darkness


to light to dark … I sometimes


look up and wonder about the


God of Israel and His Son –


Are they really coming back?


Am I anything to anyone?


I used to be a meal-ticket –


I was put on a shelf to


be admired for I came from


a beautiful tribe –


Some old guy told me all I


had to do was smile and I’d


be all-set.


And … it does appear that way.


I was happy.


I had a baby.


I went on trips and spent lots of


money. I closed my eyes


and pretended sometimes just


hoping some of it would go


by fast –


So I could be free!


But – free to do what?


To watch my neighbor


suffer a tick bite?


To sit back and watch the


birds fly around?


To not have to answer to


anyone? A slave is never free.


Left alone with myself –


I still have to answer to me.


I may be restricted due to


my former youthful impatience –


But I am also restricted


by my relative level of intelligence –


by how much I can retain,


remember …


In order to deliver-up some


excuse to be friended


by anyone.


I make it up as I go along –


I have not been satisfied.


Not once!


But the weight of the world


is off my shoulders


for I have absolutely nothing


to offer it!


and that is where my freedom lies –


and that is why I am


so light –


Unburdened.


Out of the net. The fray –


Nobody wants me, and I


have nothing to offer –


So, I’ll just be over here –


Released – unshackled –


All patched-up … pretending to


care – over there by the water’s edge


soaking-up the sun.


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      Jefnaz 

      3 years ago

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