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Angels don't smile

Updated on May 4, 2014



For almost half of a century

I’ve been shaking-it-off

Like a dog coming-up out of the water

feeling baptized by the lightness

having shed the weight

of all the denseness

that kept me immersed

in a round-about undertow

always taking me further down

that ‘ol rabbit hole.

Compromising and settling-in

covered-up and underneath

believing all-along it was

supposed to be heavy.

Taught that, the struggle within

was all part of the scene.

Always told to ‘let-it-go’

and, so I did.

I stopped all the thrashing about.

I ceased rebelling at every turn.

I went to work like any good slave

and went home after, for more

instruction via all the other’s

in the game.

No matter what I did, or where

I turned … It was all in vain

as I continued to accept and

go along … and do what I

thought I was supposed to do

the people I’d known, and felt

the closest to

all started dying …

one by one –

Like a champion, I went

through those motions –

Head held high

I was as strong as an amazon

Like those giants of old

I rose above …

For wasn’t it written to:

‘Eat, drink and be merry?’

And seeing, sometimes, how

my own time was almost up …

I took up study and contemplated any

alternatives …

Ancient writings showed very

few examples.

Such as Enoch and Elijah …

But I knew I would not

have their fate, nor would

I even parallel the attempts

of Gilgamesh …

for I was nobody special

living in the 21st century.

Nobody wanted to impregnate

me with spiritual beings,

nor, had I even been tempted

to do any wrong thing by

anything contrary

to what things seemed to be:

Sleep, wake, primp, eat, work, groom,

study, rest … and take the approved

prescriptions …

If anything were to suddenly ail me …

No grand exits or entrances –

No major calamities, not even


Just going along like everybody

else around me.

Entertained by celebrities

They stood-out of the norm

like royalty …

Sports and music, dance, books

and movies …

All alluding to specific criteria

where after some drama

all was put to rest in a neat,

tidy package … so I could

sleep well at night and dream

of the coming weekend when I

would put my feet up for a minute

where I wouldn’t find

anything to complain about.

But, nevertheless,

I started to question the

good life.

Why were people starving in 3rd world countries?

Why is there fluoride in

all the drinking water?

Why is my country muscling-in

on them?

Why are there chemtrails

all over the sky?

Why are birds and fish dropping

like flies?

Why are so many people obese,

or depressed?

Why are the police stalking

my neighborhood in bulletproof


Everywhere I looked

I began to notice

How odd – those empty eyes …

That person is not a person –

That person is a clone –

And they’re all walking around

my vicinity … the walking dead,

like zombies … Just like me.

What do I appear like, to them?

People have always been

nice to me.

Even if they were evil.

It’s not something I ever really

Noticed until I began to suspect

some type of conspiracy …

I just thought I was lucky

and had a good personality …

But when there’s a 25 foot

angel always hovering around

you … People tend to be nice.

Wake up, eat, clean-up … Go!

Make stuff, sell stuff … throw

stuff away … Buy stuff … Drink

stuff … Watch TV … Make plans

due to some commercial you see …

Go to bed in comfortable sheets …

Ah, the good life …

So why do I want to forget?

Why do I want to knock myself out?

Because I can’t afford the latest Iphone?

Because, I’ll never be a queen?

Because what I do all day …

doesn’t seem to really accomplish

anything –

Because I haven’t got enough

money for the newest wrinkle


Because I can’t pretend I

am something I am not …

which would be 20 years younger

I image I would have

more power –

I imagine I would’ve made

wiser decisions …

I imagine I would’ve married

for love and not convenience –

Thinking I had all the time

in the world …

Which is now spent.

The whole period of time

from then until now … has

been like a dream with little

glimpses of small awakenings

in between –

Little recollections here and there –

The seeds of wisdom being

placed in areas where

I made the biggest mistakes.

All those wasted, wasted years …

Trying to seem normal.

Desiring to fit-in.

All that pretending … so that

I wouldn’t inconvenience


Because I wasn’t worth the fuss.

Why wasn’t I?

I didn’t want to cry wolf?

My life was good enough –

I was healthy … I wasn’t starving –

people liked me …

I feared ostracization, humiliation –

Some cellular memory …

Some sort of dishonesty …

I couldn’t know any truth if I

didn’t know it was in existence –

Just do what you’re told and

behave. Don’t make any waves –

Nobody wants to be the one

they’re all pointing at –

Somewhere along the line – my veneer

started to crack!

I took it inward – against myself

I emptied my body by shooting-

it-up with drugs …

and I let all the little pieces crash

and fall – Until that whole scene got old.

It took almost a decade

to clean up the mess –

Only to wake-up not wanting

to go to work.

Not caring if I had the

newest gadget on the market.

It was all for naught.

Alone, I clumsily crawl out

of bed at any hour.

I never watch the clock –

I have nothing of value –

I don’t know how I will live

tomorrow –

or if there will be a tomorrow.

I am never entertained

by anything I have to pay

for –

It’s all the same stupid story –

over and over and over again.

The one you love – is obsessed

with another – The one who

loves you – you already knew –

The days go by from darkness

to light to dark … I sometimes

look up and wonder about the

God of Israel and His Son –

Are they really coming back?

Am I anything to anyone?

I used to be a meal-ticket –

I was put on a shelf to

be admired for I came from

a beautiful tribe –

Some old guy told me all I

had to do was smile and I’d

be all-set.

And … it does appear that way.

I was happy.

I had a baby.

I went on trips and spent lots of

money. I closed my eyes

and pretended sometimes just

hoping some of it would go

by fast –

So I could be free!

But – free to do what?

To watch my neighbor

suffer a tick bite?

To sit back and watch the

birds fly around?

To not have to answer to

anyone? A slave is never free.

Left alone with myself –

I still have to answer to me.

I may be restricted due to

my former youthful impatience –

But I am also restricted

by my relative level of intelligence –

by how much I can retain,

remember …

In order to deliver-up some

excuse to be friended

by anyone.

I make it up as I go along –

I have not been satisfied.

Not once!

But the weight of the world

is off my shoulders

for I have absolutely nothing

to offer it!

and that is where my freedom lies –

and that is why I am

so light –


Out of the net. The fray –

Nobody wants me, and I

have nothing to offer –

So, I’ll just be over here –

Released – unshackled –

All patched-up … pretending to

care – over there by the water’s edge

soaking-up the sun.


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      3 years ago

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