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Are Zombies Edible?
Tastes Like Chicken
If humanity is faced with series of truly catastrophic extinction evens like a volcanic ash cloud that blocks out the sun combined with the release of a virulent, zombie inducing virus, we may be stuck with hard choices. Many traditional food sources may be wiped out and it may be difficult for landlocked people to get past the zombie hordes to the sea where they could find fish. For such folks there is only one potential food source in abundance. A food source that is not likely to run out as long as there are human beings. Zombies. If we can learn to eat zombie flesh then all our problems are solved!
You are what you eat?
But if we eat zombies won’t we become zombies too? Gee, that is a problem.
Then what we need is a way to kill the zombie virus without spoiling the zombie meat.
First things first, let’s see if we can reduce the viral load. First expose the zombies to all the anti viral medicines you have.
But wait I hear you saying, how did we trap the zombies so that we could administer drugs to them in the first place?
Well, we dig deep pits and lure the zombies to the pits. What do we use as bait? I would suggest Justin Bieber fans—nobody will miss them. And if you have any ISIS, ISIL, Al Qaida or Taliban fighters in your prisons then nobody is going to miss them either. What am I saying: Satan misses these terrorists deeply. They are his closest disciples. Don’t worry dark prince; your followers will be rejoining you soon.
Okay so now we have some bait to lure the zombies to the pits. How might you ask, does the bait get out of the pits? Not my department.
Prepare the Mystery Meat!
Now it is time to spray the bait and the zombies with as much anti-viral medicine as we can spare. Now is also the first potential problem in the scheme to eat zombie sandwiches. Suppose the antivirals cure the zombies, then we will miss out on those tasty zombies. After all, we aren’t cannibals--yet. So we can’t eat any zombies who transformed back into humans. Well if it’s this easy to cure zombies we will put out strike teams and clear our way to the sea, curing zombies as we go. Sure we will miss out on eating zombie brains but we can always eat fish brains instead.
Now, if the zombies aren’t cured then we have whole mess of zombies in a pit. Let’s call it a horde of zombies. At this stage we can try other anti-viral treatments. First up will be ultraviolet light. We will start out at a low intensity and increase the strength of the ultraviolet until the zombie skin begins to burn. If we accidentally cure any zombies, we will remove then and keep them under close, confined observation to see if they turn back when the UV light is absent.
Next we expose the zombies to low level x-rays. We again slowly turn up the power to as high as it will go. Any zombies that are spontaneously “cured” along the way are taken out for close, confined observation.
After x-rays we can go with beta rays, then gamma rays and then cosmic radiation. Getting cosmic radiation to jump through hoops could be a tricky proposition so we will use a particle accelerator instead to get protons to move for us. For each method we start at the lowest possible intensity and monitor the zombies closely as we slowly turn up the power. If they stop hollering for brains and show a sudden interest in personal hygiene we will take that as a sign that the zombie virus is in remission. We remove those individuals and keep them under closely confined observation. In reality, we don’t have to worry about spoiling our haul of zombie meat in this way. Only freshly zombified humans will be capable of remission. Anyone who has been a zombie for awhile would probably just drop dead the moment they stop being undead. Moreover, one of the characteristics of the zombie virus is to reanimate the dead. The dead ain’t coming back to life as we know it no matter what we do.
Okay then, all the undead should be dead by now. It is likely that after being blasted with gamma radiation any zombies who did not hulk out stopped moving altogether. By the way, if you are suddenly faced with zombie Hulk then you have my deepest and sincerest sympathies. Please remove all sharp objects from your pockets and….
Now for those who did not experience the shock and awe that is the zombified incredible Hulk, dinner is still not yet served. We want to be real sure ain’t nothing gonna come back and bite us in that zombie meat. And so we put all those dead zombies in to an industrial freezer and we flash freeze them. There is a process that takes all the air out of the room whilst freezing the meat—we will use that one. After that we melt the frozen zombie meat with microwave lasers. Then we run the remnants through progressively finer grinders to grind down the bones. And we are left with a puree which I call zombie soup. Bon appétit!
Are there any moral objections to eating zombies? Well if they used to be Justin Bieber fans then no.
If the dead zombie used to be an intelligent human being then eating a zombie appears to be cannibalism. This is especially true if you treat the zombie flesh to kill all the zombie viruses. For this reason I recommend that you only eat zombies as a last resort. If you are in a Donner Party situation wherein you have thought about eating normal humans because you have already eaten all the dogs, then it is time to eat the zombies.
Beware of the Zombie Rights crowd. They used to be animal rights activists until we ate all the animals. If you are not careful these folks will be advocating zombie abolition and zombie manumission and they may even begin writing poems about zombie love. Whenever one of these zombie lovers becomes too obnoxious, use them as zombie bait during a zombie hunt and all your problems will be solved.
Eat Them Before They Eat You!
Let’s face it; most who are intrigued with the notion of eating zombie flesh are interested in doing so not out of necessity but rather out of irony, poetic justice and revenge. You just want to eat them before they eat you. After running for your life from cannibalistic zombie hordes, you figure it’s payback time!
The Only Good Zombie is a Dead One
The only good zombie is a dead one so do your part to make dead things deader and put dead back into “undead”.
Farewell to the Flesh
As long as we talking exotic cuisine, wouldn’t it be interesting if we could harvest all the harmful bacteria and viruses that make people sick, bash the hell out of the pathogens with various forms for radiation, and reduce them back to their constituent components. Whatever goo or powder was left over would probably be edible by humans and if the process were done correctly it would be full of proteins and amino acids essential to human life. We could feed off the viruses and bacteria rather than having them feed off us. We would have to be careful not to affect the beneficial bacteria in the human gut if we did the procedure on living, infected people but we could harvest the rest. If we just used zombies for the procedure all bacteria and viruses could be harvested.
It might even be possible to intentionally infect animals with harvestable pathogens and then to “milk” the animals for “edible” bacteria and viruses. With further research we could develop strains of bacteria and viruses that produce human edible toxins when they infect animals. Then we would harvest the toxins and consume them. Some humans would of course object in getting our food in this way. We would in essence be living off pus.