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Are Zombies Edible?

Updated on January 30, 2015

Tastes Like Chicken

If humanity is faced with series of truly catastrophic extinction evens like a volcanic ash cloud that blocks out the sun combined with the release of a virulent, zombie inducing virus, we may be stuck with hard choices. Many traditional food sources may be wiped out and it may be difficult for landlocked people to get past the zombie hordes to the sea where they could find fish. For such folks there is only one potential food source in abundance. A food source that is not likely to run out as long as there are human beings. Zombies. If we can learn to eat zombie flesh then all our problems are solved!

You are what you eat?

But if we eat zombies won’t we become zombies too? Gee, that is a problem.

Then what we need is a way to kill the zombie virus without spoiling the zombie meat.

First things first, let’s see if we can reduce the viral load. First expose the zombies to all the anti viral medicines you have.

But wait I hear you saying, how did we trap the zombies so that we could administer drugs to them in the first place?

Well, we dig deep pits and lure the zombies to the pits. What do we use as bait? I would suggest Justin Bieber fans—nobody will miss them. And if you have any ISIS, ISIL, Al Qaida or Taliban fighters in your prisons then nobody is going to miss them either. What am I saying: Satan misses these terrorists deeply. They are his closest disciples. Don’t worry dark prince; your followers will be rejoining you soon.

Okay so now we have some bait to lure the zombies to the pits. How might you ask, does the bait get out of the pits? Not my department.

Prepare the Mystery Meat!

Now it is time to spray the bait and the zombies with as much anti-viral medicine as we can spare. Now is also the first potential problem in the scheme to eat zombie sandwiches. Suppose the antivirals cure the zombies, then we will miss out on those tasty zombies. After all, we aren’t cannibals--yet. So we can’t eat any zombies who transformed back into humans. Well if it’s this easy to cure zombies we will put out strike teams and clear our way to the sea, curing zombies as we go. Sure we will miss out on eating zombie brains but we can always eat fish brains instead.

Now, if the zombies aren’t cured then we have whole mess of zombies in a pit. Let’s call it a horde of zombies. At this stage we can try other anti-viral treatments. First up will be ultraviolet light. We will start out at a low intensity and increase the strength of the ultraviolet until the zombie skin begins to burn. If we accidentally cure any zombies, we will remove then and keep them under close, confined observation to see if they turn back when the UV light is absent.

Next we expose the zombies to low level x-rays. We again slowly turn up the power to as high as it will go. Any zombies that are spontaneously “cured” along the way are taken out for close, confined observation.

After x-rays we can go with beta rays, then gamma rays and then cosmic radiation. Getting cosmic radiation to jump through hoops could be a tricky proposition so we will use a particle accelerator instead to get protons to move for us. For each method we start at the lowest possible intensity and monitor the zombies closely as we slowly turn up the power. If they stop hollering for brains and show a sudden interest in personal hygiene we will take that as a sign that the zombie virus is in remission. We remove those individuals and keep them under closely confined observation. In reality, we don’t have to worry about spoiling our haul of zombie meat in this way. Only freshly zombified humans will be capable of remission. Anyone who has been a zombie for awhile would probably just drop dead the moment they stop being undead. Moreover, one of the characteristics of the zombie virus is to reanimate the dead. The dead ain’t coming back to life as we know it no matter what we do.

Okay then, all the undead should be dead by now. It is likely that after being blasted with gamma radiation any zombies who did not hulk out stopped moving altogether. By the way, if you are suddenly faced with zombie Hulk then you have my deepest and sincerest sympathies. Please remove all sharp objects from your pockets and….

Now for those who did not experience the shock and awe that is the zombified incredible Hulk, dinner is still not yet served. We want to be real sure ain’t nothing gonna come back and bite us in that zombie meat. And so we put all those dead zombies in to an industrial freezer and we flash freeze them. There is a process that takes all the air out of the room whilst freezing the meat—we will use that one. After that we melt the frozen zombie meat with microwave lasers. Then we run the remnants through progressively finer grinders to grind down the bones. And we are left with a puree which I call zombie soup. Bon appétit!

Moral Objections

Are there any moral objections to eating zombies? Well if they used to be Justin Bieber fans then no.

If the dead zombie used to be an intelligent human being then eating a zombie appears to be cannibalism. This is especially true if you treat the zombie flesh to kill all the zombie viruses. For this reason I recommend that you only eat zombies as a last resort. If you are in a Donner Party situation wherein you have thought about eating normal humans because you have already eaten all the dogs, then it is time to eat the zombies.

Zombie Rights

Beware of the Zombie Rights crowd. They used to be animal rights activists until we ate all the animals. If you are not careful these folks will be advocating zombie abolition and zombie manumission and they may even begin writing poems about zombie love. Whenever one of these zombie lovers becomes too obnoxious, use them as zombie bait during a zombie hunt and all your problems will be solved.

Eat Them Before They Eat You!

Let’s face it; most who are intrigued with the notion of eating zombie flesh are interested in doing so not out of necessity but rather out of irony, poetic justice and revenge. You just want to eat them before they eat you. After running for your life from cannibalistic zombie hordes, you figure it’s payback time!

The Only Good Zombie is a Dead One

The only good zombie is a dead one so do your part to make dead things deader and put dead back into “undead”.

Farewell to the Flesh

As long as we talking exotic cuisine, wouldn’t it be interesting if we could harvest all the harmful bacteria and viruses that make people sick, bash the hell out of the pathogens with various forms for radiation, and reduce them back to their constituent components. Whatever goo or powder was left over would probably be edible by humans and if the process were done correctly it would be full of proteins and amino acids essential to human life. We could feed off the viruses and bacteria rather than having them feed off us. We would have to be careful not to affect the beneficial bacteria in the human gut if we did the procedure on living, infected people but we could harvest the rest. If we just used zombies for the procedure all bacteria and viruses could be harvested.


It might even be possible to intentionally infect animals with harvestable pathogens and then to “milk” the animals for “edible” bacteria and viruses. With further research we could develop strains of bacteria and viruses that produce human edible toxins when they infect animals. Then we would harvest the toxins and consume them. Some humans would of course object in getting our food in this way. We would in essence be living off pus.

Comments

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    • poetryman6969 profile imageAUTHOR

      poetryman6969 

      3 years ago

      Indian Chef, there a guy on TV who runs around the world eating all sorts of things. He has even eaten spiders and maggots. The maggots were on a kind of cheese.

    • Indian Chef profile image

      Indian Chef 

      3 years ago from New Delhi India

      First time hearing this. Thinking now about what else can i eat. Voting it up

    • poetryman6969 profile imageAUTHOR

      poetryman6969 

      3 years ago

      Fiona, I fear zombies might be a tad gamey. An anti-Zombie drug is indeed the preferred solution.

      Have a blessed day!

    • Fiona Jean Mckay profile image

      Fiona 

      3 years ago from South Africa

      Hey, I ask myself, if the situation were the other way around, would the zombie hesitate to eat me? I don't think, therefore, there is any moral objection to eating the zombie meat. Maybe we could develop a vaccination against the zombie virus and then it won't matter if the meat is tainted. Flavor is more what I am worried about though.

    • poetryman6969 profile imageAUTHOR

      poetryman6969 

      3 years ago

      Tammy the zombies very much enjoyed your company. Have a blessed day!

    • tammyswallow profile image

      Tammy 

      3 years ago from North Carolina

      I would never have asked that question, but- pardon the pun.. food for thought. LOL.. Very entertaining!

    • poetryman6969 profile imageAUTHOR

      poetryman6969 

      3 years ago

      Besarien I am quite certain we will all be eating bugs some day even more than we do now!

    • Besarien profile image

      Besarien 

      3 years ago

      I will be raising and eating tasty bugs, thank you very much. You are welcome to my share of the zombies.

    • poetryman6969 profile imageAUTHOR

      poetryman6969 

      3 years ago

      Izettl, it's okay. Zombies believe in you!

    • izettl profile image

      Laura Izett 

      3 years ago from The Great Northwest

      Zombies? Seriously? I'm totally laughing cause I had to check out the hubber that wrote "Interesting point of view but not sure I buy it" on my hub backed by science. And you write about zombies? Oh wow I'm still laughing. I'm not sure I buy the whole zombie thing. NO actually not at all. Foolishness. Still laughing...

    • poetryman6969 profile imageAUTHOR

      poetryman6969 

      3 years ago

      Romanian, that's the idea. I like the notion of zombies running from us. Since zombies are not known for thinking or for their displays of fear, this is not going to happen but I like the idea.

    • Romanian profile image

      Nicu 

      3 years ago from Oradea, Romania

      That's a funny idea, if they whant to eat us, why shouldn't we first to eat them?

    • poetryman6969 profile imageAUTHOR

      poetryman6969 

      3 years ago

      Ah, Susan. There are some things even a zombie won't eat!

    • Just Ask Susan profile image

      Susan Zutautas 

      3 years ago from Ontario, Canada

      What an entertaining hub. Could you feed the zombies the Canadian Provincial and Federal government as a favor to me? I'd be forever grateful :)

    • poetryman6969 profile imageAUTHOR

      poetryman6969 

      3 years ago

      Hello Suzanne. I think the Zombie Apocalypse may be inevitable because of the number of folks all around the world performing biological experiments. So it's a race between the zombies and the gray goo. Let's hope we are not around to see it!

    • Suzanne Day profile image

      Suzanne Day 

      3 years ago from Melbourne, Victoria, Australia

      This zombie article covers a very unusual topic. Yum yum, I hope that apocalypse never happens! Voted interesting. x

    • poetryman6969 profile imageAUTHOR

      poetryman6969 

      3 years ago

      D D VanGarde I certainly think eating well done meat would probably bear little risk of bacterial infection but I am not so sure about viruses. The problem can arise from not getting every part of the meat to the right temperature. If we are talking about a lethal virus, and wanting to be risk free then penetrating radiation is one way to be sure.

      What did they say in Aliens: Nuke the site from orbit, it's the only way to be sure.

    • D D VanGarde profile image

      D D VanGarde 

      3 years ago

      I always thought cooking meat well done would kill any bacteria or infection. Not sure. I may become a zombie very quickly.

    • poetryman6969 profile imageAUTHOR

      poetryman6969 

      3 years ago

      Seraphic, we'll leave the light on for you and we will save some zombie for you!

    • seraphic profile image

      Seraph 

      3 years ago from Canada

      This was very funny! Pass the garlic and butter!

    • poetryman6969 profile imageAUTHOR

      poetryman6969 

      3 years ago

      Thanks Nell. At last we have a use for politicians!

    • Nell Rose profile image

      Nell Rose 

      3 years ago from England

      Yep Justin bieber fans, miley cyrus, her and her fans, and maybe a few politicians? whadya reckon? oh and don't forget all those annoying people who do those even more annoying adverts on tv when we are watching our favorite programs! there, sorted it! lol! now can I say yuck! LOL!

    • poetryman6969 profile imageAUTHOR

      poetryman6969 

      3 years ago

      Peachpurple there are a number of answers to you question. The first is: Carefully. Very carefully. The second is, why with Zombie Sauce of course: Don't eat brainz without it! The third is: Folks all over this planet eat fermented food every day.

      We would never consider eating zombies unless we were beyond starving. A Donner Party, Alive situation.

    • peachpurple profile image

      peachy 

      3 years ago from Home Sweet Home

      i thought zombies are dead people who came alive, rotten flesh. How do we eat them?

    • poetryman6969 profile imageAUTHOR

      poetryman6969 

      3 years ago

      Flourish, I have often thought that the only thing more horrible than the rampage of flesh eating zombie hordes is the thought of Justin Bieber and Miley Cyrus having a child.

    • FlourishAnyway profile image

      FlourishAnyway 

      3 years ago from USA

      It is obvious that you have thought deeply about this subject. Have you considered adding IRS auditors as well as Miley Cyrus and any fans she might still have left? Toss them in there too.

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