ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel
  • »
  • Books, Literature, and Writing»
  • Commercial & Creative Writing»
  • Creative Writing»
  • Humor Writing

Are they mad or is it me?

Updated on August 26, 2011
You can see that - I'm not mad!
You can see that - I'm not mad! | Source

That’s a rhetorical question, by the way, so please don’t all send me your no doubt valuable assessments. And I don’t need any smarty pants asking who are they? You know who they are and so do I.

But just in case some of you are as silly as the people I feel inclined to ridicule; I’d better append their names lest there be any similarities to anyone unintended and someone comes and smacks be in the kisser.

The first of this week’s feeble-minded twits is a woman from Anchorage, a place where another famous flake resides. (Anyone for tea?) This one however is called Jessica Beagley although a few other names spring to mind in the light of her actions.

Jessie had adopted a Russian orphan who she claims was having behavioural problems. Given how some of these ‘adoptions’ come about this is probably pretty normal.

Jessie must be one of those people who watch so much TV they don’t know where fantasy ends and reality begins because her first thought was to take the kid on Dr Phil’s show. But Dr Phil is swamped with lots of similarly challenged parents and so the threshold to get over is quite big.

No matter; Jess figured it out. All she needed to do was go over the top with her discipline, video the whole thing and send it to Dr Phil. – Problem solved. Well, no, actually because in one clip Jess recorded for the part of the programme called “Mommy confessions” she made the kid stand in a cold shower while in another the little munchkinsky had hot sauce squirted into his reluctant wee gob.

All of which saved the jury a lot of time in deliberations when they convicted her this week of child abuse. Quite apart from the cruelty involved, you have to wonder at the mentality of somebody who thought it was a clever idea to commit a crime, video herself doing it, send the clip to a television programme and think that would solve her problems.

Mind you it could be a way of getting an issue dealt with, if you don’t mind a bit of collateral damage. People with an anger problem, who don’t feel anyone is giving them the help they need could go out with a cameraman and beat the crap out of a stranger, then send the clip to their nearest TV agony aunt. They would soon come to somebody’s attention.

But if you thought that Nanook of the North was weird and creepy, then maybe she read the book written by my next contestants in this competition to find the sickest bugger out there is.

They are Christian fundamentalists Michael and Debi Pearl. I’ve always found fundamentalists to be little fun and frankly rather naive.

This particular couple has screwiness in spades. They are the authors (if that is the correct word here) of a book called To Train Up A Child. Fundamentalist is an interesting word and I often wonder how it came about. They don’t seem to have much fun, so but the dictionary defines fundamentalism as basically a state where you take everything literally, which I think makes the title of this book odd (if we are getting fundamental here).

Mike and Debs get down to the nitty gritty providing handy tips about how to pull your kid’s hair and generally give him a good smacking over with a metre long branch or a belt if he is ‘older’ or a common everyday ruler (size not specified) if he is ‘younger’.

Calls have come from the usual whiners to ban the book. What are they talking about, eh? Surely parents need some tips on waterboarding their 5-year-old when he won’t eat his greens, or pulling out the fingernails of the wanton little so-and-so if he leaves his toys out.

The cry babies want it banned for the feeble reason that another fundamentalist couple used the book as a bible and killed their 7-year-old adopted daughter. So what? Accidents happen and these wonderful Christian people were only trying to deliver her from evil. As she’s with Jesus now, surely that is mission accomplished?

And finally it is to Auckland where we turn for this week’s final farcical newsmakers. Well Sowf Auckland to be more precise, although following the municipaltitocide enacted by Rodney (he’s Got A) Hide, I would think the Manukauans have been wiped out.

However one wee flicker of hope arose this week at Jean batten Primary School in Mangere that suggests some of the ol’ Sowf Orklan’ fighting spirit is still alive and well. It seems a little seed that was sown during the old segregationist days when the area had its own identity has begun to flower. This week a year 4 pupil (that’s usually a kid aged no more than eight or nine) at said high flying learning establishment decided to mete out some justice to a 10-year-old boy who it seems disrespected him during a tackling game.

Young Mack the knife as we shall call him tackled the boy who in turn punched him, thereby disrespecting him. So young Mack went and got a kitchen knife which he just happened (by pure chance I am sure) to have brought to school that morning, and stabbed the boy with it.

I’ll bet that taught him a thing or two! See! Who says you don’t learn anything useful at school, eh? Furthermore the principal, Jeff Bruce showed some mettle or perhaps it was metal – probably aluminium. He sprang into action and did.........nothing. Well that’s not fair actually he did do a couple of things, but only after he had deliberated on it for some time. The incident was eventually reported to the police – more than 24 hours later although not by Action Man.

God only knows what will happen now, but my guess is young Mack will improve his knife skills over the next few years under the guardianship of his family, the Department of Social Warfare and the local gang community. By the time he is 12 he will probably have that first all-important notch on his knife and be well on the way to a lifetime in the justice system.

Or maybe Jeff might do something useful and send Mack’s folks a copy of Mike and Debs’ book.


    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    No comments yet.