Assnapped! (Inspired by "the Bugalugs Bum Thief" by Tim Winton)
"Skeeta Anderson woke up one morning to find that his bum was gone. And not only his bum, but the bum of every single person in the town of Bugalugs.
It's up to Skeeta to catch the thief . . ."
So begins "The Bugalugs Bum Thief" by acclaimed Australian author Tim Winton.
Until recently I considered this to be a funny fictional children's story. However my outlook has begun to change in recent years due to the experience of a friend of a friend of mine.
I shall relate his story below as though it came from my own mouth.
I woke one morning at 7:00 am to the alarm telling me it was time to arise and get ready for work.
In the shower, something felt a little strange but I was still half asleep so I dismissed the feeling. It was when I began to dress that I noticed .... My Ass Was Gone!
I'd never had trouble keeping my pants on before. Even without a belt I usually had enough padding there to stop them falling down.
Had a thief struck in the middle of the night and stolen my ass, or had this happened gradually over time without me noticing?
I'd just turned 50, so did this have something to do with it? Was it an age thing (Heaven forbid)?
In my younger days (not that long ago) I'd been told I had a sexy butt. In fact my wife often told me it was my best feature. That's where I decided to turn now, I'd ask her. She'd give me an honest answer, after all she often asked me while trying on clothes, "Honey, does this dress make my bum look big?" Of course I always answered in the negative for my own well being.
I approached her in the kitchen, and turning my back to her, I asked, "Honey, do these jeans make my ass look small?" She just laughed and said, "It's your age Babe. It happens to guys when they get older. You lose your asses and it moves to your hips."With that she grabbed me by both love handles and squeezed to prove her point.
I flinched, "Impossible!" I snapped, "That's against the laws of gravity. Things fall down over time, they don't move upwards." It crossed my mind to say," Look at your boobs," but luckily I held my tongue. Instead I joked, "I think someone stole it. There's a thief out there somewhere with a shed full of asses he's stolen from unsuspecting people as they slept."
She laughed, "You are so vain Sweetie. Just accept it as part of the aging process and go put a pair of braces on."
And so, that is the story told to me by a friend of mine about the experiences of a friend of his (who wishes to remain nameless for reasons of privacy and embarrassment). It is a tale of WARNING for all, especially men over 50. Beware the ASSNAPPER!
Bugalugs (Australian slang; term of endearment, usually from an adult to a child e.g. "Hey Bugalugs, what are you up to?" definition unclear possibly " mischief maker") Though in the instance of "The Bugalugs Bum Thief" it is the name of a small seaside village.
Bum (bottom, ass, buttocks, butt, derriere)
Skeeta ( derivative for mosquito)
*If The Bugalugs Bum Thief had been written by an American author it would most likely have been titled The Bugalugs Butt Burglar or something to that effect.
Penguin Books Australia
- The Bugalugs Bum Thief: Aussie Bites | Penguin Books Australia
Skeeta Anderson woke up one morning to find that his bum was gone. And not only his bum, but the bum of every single person in the town of Bugalugs. It's up to Skeeta to catch the thief . . .
Why do men's butts shrink with age?
POPULAR ANSWER: With age, muscles weakens and it can be contributed to the fact that we don't exercise enough to keep the muscles strong.
REAL ANSWER: It is the Universal Law of Conservation of Matter. Men's butts must shrink because women's butts must grow larger. There is only so much matter in the Universe, and this is how Nature has decided to apportion it. Why must women's butts grow larger? To provide a comfortable cushion for them to sit and share their wisdom!
Ladies Please Read!
Now something interesting for the woman....Ronald Kahn, of Harvard Medical School in Boston, carried out the study and published a paper in the journal Cell Metabolism. Kahn started the study to find out why fat located in different parts of the body seems to have different risks of metabolic disease such as diabetes.
If you are one of those who reluctantly forgoes sinful desserts and greasy pepperoni pizza, because you think it goes straight to your posterior, stop worrying right now. Indulge yourself to your heart’s content – well, within reason, anyway; and ignore those extra inches building up on your butt. It’s actually good for your health. ..Research done by some other eminent doctors has revealed that a type of fat that accumulates around the hips and bottom may actually offer some protection against diabetes.
The medical term for fat that collects under the skin is subcutaneous fat. It seems likely that subcutaneous fat helps to improve sensitivity to the hormone insulin, which regulates blood sugar......SO ladies, those with big butts, time to celebrate.
© 2013 John Hansen