Deer Hunting Widow's Weekend
So, the time has come.....it's opening deer hunting weekend. The time of year where deer hunters from all over the U.S. are preparing themselves for the hunting and gathering that goes on during this time of year. The weekend in which they leave their loved ones behind to fend for themselves. Yes, this is the weekend in which we call "widow's weekend". Not a comforting thought, given our deer hunters go out heavily armed. Oh, not to mention that in the last few years, several hunters were gunned down by a roaming individual who apparently couldn't tell the difference between a white tailed deer and people donned in blaze orange. Sorry, if you happen to be THAT person....but that was just stupid.
So, this year, I decided to have my childhood comrade, Trish, join me during my "widow-ness". I was preparing for a fun time, a clean house and doing chores 2x per day in the freezing rain. Joe was leaving Friday afternoon and would be gone until Sunday. He books his hotel room EVERY year, one year in advance. They all do. Weird, how they can plan ahead a whole YEAR in advance for this weekend, yet can't remember simple stuff like YEARLY birthdays and anniversaries nor can they remember to put the dishes in the dishwasher or that your favorite jeans shouldn't be dried in the dryer. Incidentally, I was told I would get flowers by the end of the weekend. Really? No flowers Friday....no flowers Sunday...oh he must have FORGOTTEN. But, dammit, that room was booked and ready for use, so that's really the important thing.
Thursday night, I cleaned and cleaned and cleaned in preparation for Thanksgiving and for Trish's visit. Joe came into the house after doing chores and gathered his things for the enormous weekend to come. He chit chatted happily about how kick a$$ the weekend was going to be. I stood there looking at my unshowered (because you can't have the smell of soap, shampoo or cologne anywhere near or on your body. Good Lord that'll scare away the deer), and fully bearded spouse (because the beard keeps their face warm in the bitter chill of the morning) and thought "good God, is this what its come to? All it takes for him to skip showering AND shaving is the prospect of shooting a damn deer. Huh, interesting considering I've got deer roaming around the corn field right outside my door ALL YEAR LONG." I could barely get past the stench and Grizzly Adams look without wanting to smack him. I watched as he took out his new tools for the hunt, and listened how these new tools would make the field dressing of the dead carcass easy. I giggled and quickly asked if he brought a bottle of doe urine to sprinkle on his blaze orange vest (for those who don't know, apparently, doe urine in a bottle is used as cologne by these people in order to attract the male deer or buck, as it were)....as if he'd need any further stench purposely drizzled on him after NOT showering for a few days.
But the most interesting tool of the lot was the "Butt Out 2 Big Game Dressing Tool". I looked at this contraption. I looked at the back of the package at the instructions and quickly realized what it was used for. The description says "extra 2” longer than the original, making it easier to maintain a firm grip on the handle during field dressing chores. The Butt Out 2 works for deer, antelope, bear, hogs, and mice, squirrels and frogs (okay, I just made that last part up). Simply insert the Butt Out 2 into the animal’s alimentary canal, twist and pull to remove a portion of the intestine, which can then be tied off and removed. This eliminates having to cut around the area with a knife, making the field dressing process quicker, safer, and easier."
What EXACTLY is the "alimentary canal"? Webster describes it as: "the tubular passage that extends from mouth to anus and functions in digestion and absorption of food and elimination of residual waste". That's right....it's the A$$ HOLE of the animal. Apparently this "canal" needs to be removed because, as Joe (and every other hunter) insists, it ruins the meat if you don't . I'm guessing that if I have to remove the ass hole of any animal after I've shot it (clean shot through the heart and lungs is best, I'm assured, for the quick KILL), THAT, in and of itself, will RUIN the dining delight of any meat I might have enjoyed from that particular animal. I mentioned this to my deer hunting friends when I ran into them at our local pub on Saturday (after their deer hunting extravaganza) where Trish and I played afternoon Bingo...."so, did you bring your Ass hole removing tool", I asked as I giggled like a school girl, I watched the doe-eyed blinking of my deer hunting pal's eyes, and I heard him say "oh we don't need no damn tool for that....we just make a cut....blah blah blah" as he went on to describe the grusome details of the cut that can be made with a simple pocket knife to do the same thing this $9.99 tool can do. I almost lost consciousness BUT I was in the middle of a bingo game so really couldn't pass out at that moment. Only Trish's screaming "BINGO" would bring me back into the moment.
So, essentially, these deer hunters....get up at 3:30 a.m., dress in hideously non-matching clothing and donned in blaze orange, sprinkle another animal's urine on themselves, drive to some remote spot, climb a tree and sit there until the perfect "buck" wanders by in its daily stroll through the woods. With cigarette hanging from mouth, eye in the scope, the trigger is pulled, not once but twice in order to hit the heart AND the lungs (ya know, to avoid the needless suffering of the animal). Once the animal drops, it's time to get out the extraordinary BUTT OUT!! tool. Good reviews by my mighty hunter on the ease of use and effectiveness of this tool.
But please, when you get home, agonize me further by making me look at this dead and bloody animal as it lays lifeless in your truck. I will patiently watch as you measure the antlers and take photos with it. I will listen quietly as you bitch about the barn cat standing on top of your fresh kill as it licks its lips and grooms it paws after trying to dig into this lucious piece of fresh meat. Meat which WE will enjoy the whole year through. I will feed you chicken noodle soup and annoint your chest with Vicks as you complain about the sniffles, headache and body aches you now have because of the chill of the morning air you've had to endure for your family....ya know, to refill the freezer with venison.
Yes, I will do all these things because I love you and:
THAT'S HOW I ROLL.
Incidentally, The hell continues as Joe relives this journey with whomever is on the other end of the telephone line. "so, ya, it was 13 degrees when I left and when I got to my stand, it was 14 degrees....blah blah blah....then, SHE was starin' at me and I was starin' at her, then I acted casual and looked at the tree next to her. Then I could hear crackling behind me. It was dark so I didn't see how big she was...blah blah blah AND THEN, all I seen was that huge frickin rack. Couldn't really tell the size, all I knew is he had a nice rack. He was no more than 20-30 yards away and I was pluggin him and pluggin him." What is he talking about? A chick? A dude? A deer? Its hard to tell. Please help me.....call me, write me a note, something! Anything.