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Bad Sewing!

Updated on May 14, 2011

Part One of the Domestically Challenged

One of the women I work with is exceptionally good at sewing (she makes her own clothes!), and I’m envious because I’ve never been able to sew properly. By hand or with a sewing machine, I just can’t get it right. I remember taking a Home Economics class in middle school, and doing poorly in both sections. You know; the parts that have nothing to do with economics at all (i.e., the whole friggin class). My brother got an A in Home Ec, I got a C. Anyway, here’s an example of what could happen when someone who really has no skill with a needle actually attempts to fix a tear:

1) Notice a rip in a blouse or skirt
2) Groan
3) Get needle, thread, and scissors
4) Pull a long strand of thread off the spool, cut thread
5) Try to push one end of the thread through the eye of the needle, squint uselessly in attempt to see it better
6) Miss the eye, try again
7) Hit the eye with the thread, move it around to get it to go in, then exhale in exasperation as the thread slips out from being too frayed at the end from the poor cutting job
8) Moisten the end of the thread, twist it into a sharp point
9) Try to push thread into eye again, poke it around until it goes through
10) Exclaim in triumph, then gasp as the thread falls out of the eye because you didn’t pull it all the way through fast enough
11) Curse
12) Repeat steps 5-9, and this time keep pushing until a decent amount of thread is all the way through the eye
13) Pull thread through needle until midway point is reached, smooth out thread by pinching/sliding the two sides together
14) Tie a double knot at the bottom of the thread, cut off excess thread under the knot
15) Find rip in blouse/skirt, then flip the item over or turn it inside out so that the stitches won’t be visible on the outside
16) Pinch sides of tear together and run needle through both sides of fabric, underneath the tear
17) Stitch both sides together along the tear
18) Poke finger as needle is pushed through fabric on both sides
19) Curse
20) Repeat steps 17-19 until finished
a. If you run low on thread but are not done repairing the tear, tie a knot to finish off that piece of thread and cut it
b. Throw out remaining centimeters of thread
c. Go back to step #2 and repeat until finished
21) Tie a knot in the thread and cut, saving excess thread if more than three inches in length (anything less can be tossed)
22) Flip garment over and admire your handiwork
23) Groan when you see it’s all uneven and crooked from the stitches being different lengths and going in different directions
24) Sigh and wear it anyway
25) Three months later repeat all steps when garment is snagged again, undoing everything you just did

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