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Bananas and Avacados
Picture by EG Clements
Wisdom from Above
Why is it that when young girls who become completely depressed and sad run to the most disgusting place on Earth? More importantly, why is it that guardian angels are forced to deal with human problems in the public bathroom?
Well, not forced, but it isn’t fun dealing with a piled up heap of hormonal teenage left overs. Not that I don’t enjoy making others feel better, it’s just hard to see how much emotional damage can be done to the human spirit.
One case I had to deal with was a thirteen year old girl named Samantha. She ran crying into the girl’s bathroom because of a rumor she heard floating around the entire school about her. The poor thing was a complete mess when I found her in the bathroom stall. Her face was red and puffy, mascara down her cheeks, big and horribly sad teary eyes, and a shattered heart. She was curled up on the floor up against the wall.
I sighed, materializing in my physical form, wearing my white suit with a bow tie, golden rings on my fingers, and sunglasses. The heels of my shoes clicked on the bathroom tiles as I walked to the big stall, snapping my fingers. The lock on the inside of the door released, and the door slowly opened.
“Go away! I don’t need anyone’s help! Just leave me alone!” she snapped, sobbing some more into her knees. I stared for a moment as she sobbed.
“No hon, I’m not going away” I took off my sunglasses, hanging them on my jacket pocket, looking at my manicured nails for dirt marks, a habit in places like this. She gasped with surprise and looked up, realizing who I was by the sound of my voice. “In fact, I can’t go away. Not until my job here is complete” I interlaced my fingers in front of me, and rocked back and forth on my feet.
“Why are you in here? This is the girl’s bathroom, can’t you read?” she said nastily.
“Oh I can read sweetheart, but I don’t think getting snippy with your guardian angel is going to help your self-esteem much”
“My what?” she asked.
“I’m your guardian angel. Remember me? I’ve been in your dreams for a while now trying to talk to you” she still looked confused.
“Are you a creeper? I have pepper spray!” she threatened, reaching into her bag.
“No no. I’m not here to harm you. If I were I would have attacked you by now, yes?” I asked. She thought about this for a moment. Then she looked me right in the eye and said.
“If you’re my guardian angel…. Prove it,” I rolled my eyes and unfurled what was hidden with invisibility. She blocked her eyes from the piercing light that shined in her face. I put them away after a moment. She stared with her jaw dropped.
“Did I pass your test?” I asked. She gave a slow nod.
Immediately after seeing proof of my occupation, she let me sit next to her and talk. Of course she spilled everything about the rumor and how it happened and of course all of it I already knew because well, I was floating over her the whole time.
“So what do you think the solution is to this problem?” I asked. She scratched a dried stain of spaghetti sauce that was on her jeans as she thought.
“What do you mean?” she asked.
“How are you going to solve this problem?” I asked. She got agitated by this. I could tell what she was thinking, that I was accusing her of lying, just like all of her friends in her life right now.
“I don’t know! That banana started it” she stopped, confused “no, banana…. Banana…. What the fudge? Banana!” she said louder.
“Sh! No need for screaming! If you wanted a banana split, all you had to do was asked” I snapped my fingers and a banana split in a silver cup and a long spoon appeared in the air, floating in front of her.
“No I meant the cuss word banana! She’s a banana! DONUTS!” she gave up, banging her head on her knees.
“So no banana split then?” I asked.
“No no, I want the fudgeing banana split” she held out her hands, taking the cup. I thought about why she was so frustrated, and why she was yelling different foods.
“Oh! I understand now what you’re trying to say. I’m afraid you can’t cuss in the presence of guardian angels. It’s forbidden”
“Oh NOW you tell me?” she spooned some ice cream into her mouth. I chuckled.
“So” I said.
“So what?” she asked, frustrated by the lack of freedom of cuss words.
“How are you going to solve this problem?” I asked once again.
“That’s easy, I’m gunna beat the fudgeing crackers out of her” she stabbed the ice cream with her spoon, eating it.
“Ah, so that’s your solution huh?”
“Really? You really think so?”
“Ok, well let me ask you this. After you get done beating her up, what do you think will happen?” I asked.
“I’ll have taught her a lesson about boys”
“Hmm, what about the authorities?”
She thought about this.
“They won’t catch me” she said with an attitude.
“Mm hmm, and what if you were so busy teaching her a lesson that you go a little too far?” I asked.
“What do you mean?” she asked.
“I mean, what if you end up hurting her more than you intended?” I asked.
“Oh oops, oh well, little Ms. Steal-your-boyfriend gets a little more butt hurt than usual! Oh no!” she said sarcastically. I sighed, realizing I wasn’t going to get anywhere with her at the moment.
Suddenly, a scroll and feather pen popped into the air in front of me. I got an idea.
“What’s that?” she asked curiously.
“Just a paper I need to sign” I grabbed the feather pen and took her hand, stabbing her finger with the needle at the end.
“Ow!” she thrashed her hand away as I signed the paper with her blood. The wound seeped more blood as she grabbed a tissue, covering it. “What the fudge you avocado?” she snapped. I held back the urge to chuckle some more. Oh, how God works sometimes.
“Funny how delicate the human body is. Even a single hit on the head can cause so much damage…” I trailed off, hoping she would catch on to what I was trying to say. She paused for a moment, and then looked up, eyes full of realization.
“I’m not going to kill her! Just kick her avocado….”
“Those aren’t your intentions, but you have absolutely no control of where her body goes when you’re punching or kicking her. Accidents happen every day…”
“But she deserves it!” Samantha snapped, becoming angry again.
“She deserves to die for stealing a boy from you?” I asked.
“No! She deserves to get her little butt kicked because she’s a banana, a cold hearted, awful little banana” Samantha became teary eyed once more, frustrated again. I sigh in sympathy, giving her a hug, pausing for a moment to think.
“You know…. This never would have happened if he hadn’t been so unclear about his feelings”
“Huh?” Samantha sniffled.
“It’s true! First he leads you on by saying “yes” to you when you ask him to the dance, but he also leads on the other girl, and then when you both show up to the dance, he still flirts with both of you until you BOTH end up at wits end thinking he’s chosen you over the other, when he’s really just a big chicken who won’t speak up and say ‘no’ even though it’s wrong that he’s playing both of you” I said.
“But she started it by holding his hand at the dance first even when I was the one slow dancing with him earlier. She betrayed the “girl code”” Samantha said.
“Yes, but what is he? A player? An illusionist? A heart breaker? I’m telling you girl, he’s the devil in disguise. In my opinion, if that girl wants a demon as a boyfriend, then she chose the PERFECT match” I replied.
Samantha didn’t say anything for a moment, thinking. It was a good twenty minutes before she even said a word, until finally.
“Yeah, yeah your right” Samantha said, curling up again. I knew exactly what was going through her mind. What now? Do I face him? Do I face her? How do I get myself out of this trickery? I shifted my knees, bumping her knees.
“The devil is always meant to be unmasked….” I whispered. She thought about what I said, and a smile slowly crept onto her face.
“I know exactly what to do…” she said, standing up, starting to walk out of the bathroom.
“No physical violence?” I asked.
“Nope” she replied.
“No scream fights?”
“No reckless acts of violence of any kind?”
I smiled, giving a slow nod, sitting cross legged on the bathroom floor.
“Then my job here, is done” I said. And with that, I dematerialized back to heaven.