ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel
  • »
  • Books, Literature, and Writing

Barking Dogs Seldom Talk

Updated on February 15, 2012

“And the crust needs some more cheese and a dash of chilly peppers…”

I stared at Lindsey as she slobbered up her slice of homemade pizza from last night and offered up advice on my cooking. Drat it! I have to wipe the floor off her saliva again.

For those who came late, Lindsey is not my mentally ill distant cousin whose parents have lodged her in my house as they go on their second honeymoon, but instead my son’s adopted dog. Yes, one will say that I am the one in need of a psychiatrist but believe me when I say that I consulted one when she first talked to me. My shrink doesn’t believe me even though I have shown her a video of Lindsey and her theatrics. What in the name of God is Photoshop that she keeps blabbering about? And what does photos have to do with a video?

“The toppings are fine but I am sure it could do with some more meat…”

“Can you eat without dripping everywhere?” I snapped at the dog.

She gave me mournful eyes and said, “No one appreciates good advice these days.”

I resisted the urge to throw my empty plate at her. I will not allow anyone to pin animal cruelty along with schizophrenia on me.

When the last crumb was eaten, Lindsey nudged her bowl away with her wet nose and sat back on her haunches. Then she fixed such a serious look on her face that it scared the shit out of me.

“What?” I asked nervously. Surely she hadn’t caught me drying my underwear in the microwave. That would be embarrassing and don’t judge before you know the whole story.

Lindsey said, “I was in Tim’s room the other day.”

I laughed out in relief. She was in my son’s room every day. I had once propositioned her to spy on him for me but she had starkly refused to do so. It still smarted my ego to be told off by a dog.

“He was talking on the phone with his new sweetheart.”

My ears pricked up high. New sweetheart? What went wrong with Susan? I liked her.

“Who is it?” I asked.

Lindsey replied, “Someone named Jamie.”

Jamie. Nice name. But I liked girls to have proper girl’s names. These unisex names got on my nerves whenever I got them wrong in a different situation.

“How do you know that’s Tim’s new sweetheart?”

Lindsey shrugged, couldn’t pull it off since dogs don’t have it in them, and answered, “The way Tim was talking made my ears blush. And I am a bitch.”

I winced. I didn’t want Tim engaging in these activities before he turned eighteen. God knows guys like younger girls.

“What else?” I asked energetically.

The bitch gave me knowing eyes and made out of the room with her tail wagging behind her. I hate that dog!

Later in the evening when we all sat down to eat dinner, I observed Tim. He definitely looked happier than ever. Maybe this Jamie was better than Susan. Or maybe they had gone ahead and done the deed. Oh my head, it will burst!

“What’s wrong mom?” Tim asked me.

I smiled and replied, “Nothing dear. Just wondering that its been a long time since you brought any friend home.”

He blushed and said, “I made a new friend.”

Aww, that is so cute. I knew that Tim didn’t know that he blushed often.

“What’s her name?” I asked with a straight face.

“His name is Jamie.”

The world crashed around me. Hoy green guacamole! Tim was gay! Oh no! Oh the nightmare of nightmares! I wanted grandchildren not a son-in-law. The image gave me shudders.

Lindsey wagged past me without a word. I gave her the evil eye. This was one situation where ignorance would have been bliss if it had not been for a certain freak of nature. Next stop- dog pound.

Comments

    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    No comments yet.

    working

    This website uses cookies

    As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, hubpages.com uses cookies (and other similar technologies) and may collect, process, and share personal data. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.

    For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at: "https://hubpages.com/privacy-policy#gdpr"

    Show Details
    Necessary
    HubPages Device IDThis is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons.
    LoginThis is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service.
    Google RecaptchaThis is used to prevent bots and spam. (Privacy Policy)
    AkismetThis is used to detect comment spam. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide data on traffic to our website, all personally identifyable data is anonymized. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Traffic PixelThis is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized.
    Amazon Web ServicesThis is a cloud services platform that we used to host our service. (Privacy Policy)
    CloudflareThis is a cloud CDN service that we use to efficiently deliver files required for our service to operate such as javascript, cascading style sheets, images, and videos. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Hosted LibrariesJavascript software libraries such as jQuery are loaded at endpoints on the googleapis.com or gstatic.com domains, for performance and efficiency reasons. (Privacy Policy)
    Features
    Google Custom SearchThis is feature allows you to search the site. (Privacy Policy)
    Google MapsSome articles have Google Maps embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    Google ChartsThis is used to display charts and graphs on articles and the author center. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSense Host APIThis service allows you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can earn money from ads on your articles. No data is shared unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Google YouTubeSome articles have YouTube videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    VimeoSome articles have Vimeo videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    PaypalThis is used for a registered author who enrolls in the HubPages Earnings program and requests to be paid via PayPal. No data is shared with Paypal unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook LoginYou can use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to your Hubpages account. No data is shared with Facebook unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    MavenThis supports the Maven widget and search functionality. (Privacy Policy)
    Marketing
    Google AdSenseThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Google DoubleClickGoogle provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Index ExchangeThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    SovrnThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook AdsThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Unified Ad MarketplaceThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    AppNexusThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    OpenxThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Rubicon ProjectThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    TripleLiftThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Say MediaWe partner with Say Media to deliver ad campaigns on our sites. (Privacy Policy)
    Remarketing PixelsWe may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites.
    Conversion Tracking PixelsWe may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service.
    Statistics
    Author Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy)
    ComscoreComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Tracking PixelSome articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy)