Just An Ordinary Day
Friends and readers, today is the day when all the mystery and intrigue surrounding my exciting life is finally exposed! In the following paragraphs, my greatest secrets are laid open and bare for all to see. What is a typical day like for me? What makes me tick? Why couldn’t I think of a better hub idea than this? It’s all answered below, in a sort of "play-by-play" account of an ordinary day for me.
8:01 a.m.: Woke up to find dead spider in bed sheets. The deceased was missing at least two legs. Whereabouts of lost appendages unknown. Strangely not hungry this morning.
9:09 a.m.: Decided to take shower. Undressed in front of mirror and stared for 12 minutes at bulbous belly. Considered purchasing pregnancy test. Likelihood of carrying manatee twins extremely high.
9:23 a.m.: Still looking at self in mirror. Slightly alarmed by sudden appearance of what appear to be breasts. Deduced that I am slowly turning into a very unattractive woman. Decided to call physician.
9:26 a.m.: Spoke with doctor. He suggested I not call or come by office again.
9:30 a.m.: Got in shower. Bathtub was covered in hair. Left shower and checked bathroom closet for presence of Alpine yak and/or half-shaven Robin Williams. Found nothing. Decided to phone local authorities.
9:32 a.m.: Spoke with police officer. He implored me never to call again or come by station.
9:45 a.m.: Finished shower. Time to make clothing choice for the day.
12:57 p.m.: Still undecided on day’s attire. So many Batman shirts, so little time.
3:36 p.m.: Dressed and ready for the day! Time to make some lunch.
3:41 p.m.: Sorted through all 48 boxes of Hamburger Helper contained in pantry. Finally decided on “Cheesy Italian Shells.” It must be good; it’s European. And cheesy.
3:42 p.m.: Deeply saddened upon discovering we are out of hamburger. Sobbed uncontrollably, then called parents and asked them what to do for food. Mom said to eat a hot dog.
4:26 p.m.: Otis, my wonderful black lab, you will be missed. Rest in peace, knowing you were much more delicious than my last dog.
5:01 p.m.: Full and quite merry today. Off to the pet store.
5:16 p.m.: Remembered we do not a have a local pet store. Decided to return home.
5:22 p.m.: Arrived at home, bored and seeking companionship. Began conversation with tadpoles living in mother’s gardening bucket.
6:02 p.m.: Tadpoles knew more about 4 Non Blondes and their impact on mid-’90s alternative music than I ever could have imagined. Will seek their wisdom and guidance again soon. Time for medication.
6:14 p.m.: Turned on television in hopes cable company decided to stop by and install it for free. Disappointed again.
6:16 p.m.: Decided that if I can’t watch TV, I’ll do the next best thing: write my own script/teleplay for Perfect Strangers .
7:48 p.m.: Finished script only to find out Perfect Strangers was canceled in 1993. This news is difficult to bear.
7:49 p.m.: Remembered morning’s disgust at lackluster physique. Considered working out. Unfortunately, I'm no longer welcome at local Zumba dance gatherings. Impersonating a female to gain entrance to the group is frowned upon.
7:52 p.m.: Completed one sit-up, half of a crunch, and thought about doing at least four jumping jacks. Time for a cigarette and a banana smoothie.
7:55 p.m.: No bananas, so I settled for ice water and half a pack of Now ‘n Later candies.
8:03 p.m.: Very bored. Decided to check Plenty of Fish profile page for possible future female acquaintances.
8:04 p.m.: Profile still has no matches. Considered changing photo. Picture of me at zoo with parents isn’t working out.
8:26 p.m.: Photo-shopped my head onto picture of shirtless Kevin Sorbo. Much better.
8:40 p.m.: Still no communications from single females. Logged out and checked Yellowpages for nearest monastery.
8:44 p.m.: Still bored. Set about organizing underpants into two distinct piles: those with pee stains on left, those without visible pee stains on right. Satisfied with arrangement for the time being.
9:10 p.m.: Checked cell phone for missed calls or texts. Phone hasn’t rang since April 14th when caller confused my number with that of local drug addiction hotline. Pretty sure it’s broken.
9:13 p.m.: Called Verizon to tell them cell phone wasn’t working. Spoke with machine that recognizes fewer English words than the night shift at El Reparo. Gave up in frustration.
9:15 p.m.: Ready for bed, but can’t sleep because sun is still up. Began yelling and cursing at it for the next 16 minutes.
9:31 p.m.: Sun finally set for the day. Clearly, I am quite intimidating.
10:05 p.m.: Drifting off to sleep finally. Dreamt I was having dinner with Sarah Jessica Parker, though it may just have been an ugly pony. Hard to tell the difference.
10:33 p.m.: Fast asleep, excited about tomorrow's potential for even more awesomeness. Life is very good.
Well, that’s about it. This is the kind of thing you throw together when you can’t come up with any other hub ideas. At any rate, I hope you enjoyed this little window into my life and yes, I promise to never open it again. :)
Posted July 5, 2010