Beneath my Crust
Beneath my Crust
By Tony DeLorger © 2011
I impart to me the challenge of flight, the quest to keep my soul on the updraught currents of life without implosion or rapid descent into the dark malevolence of doubt and fear. I hold this task to my breast like a child, defenceless and incumbent on my efforts.
Flight is not an easy accomplishment, prone to the weight of humanity, the disenchantment of dreams and the ways of the dark embrace. I keep my mind focused, the periphery at bay and my thoughts fluid to enable acquisition without sacrifice. The swell of voices imploring commitments is relentless and never–ending, but I determine them false to override their incessant pleas.
I try to listen to words delivered, those from which minds are engaged. I keep them close like beads on a string, so they may empower my resolutions with knowledge. I write to undo my ills, to find comfort in my misgivings and to share my soul’s eye. It is all I can do to remain at arm’s length but still a part of the stream of humanity.
Often overwhelmed with grief, I cannot see what truth is revealed. Its stark and lonely conclusions imbibe my thoughts and rattle then to bone. I must step back to close my heart from the excruciating pain of denial, but only momentarily. Then, with strength returned, I find balance and the pointlessness of my will.
Weathered I am, yet the glint of youth still swims within my ocean, unperturbed by the sour mistakes of human greed, and the doubts that temporarily blind me. That untarnished child rises occasionally to reaffirm my quest and keep me on my path. It is this clear focus on life that my child reveals, its freedom never denied, always in the action of perseverance. This enlivenment still directs me to explore, to need, to find the possibility of bliss.
Each day the sun graces the sky and I, amid its glory, find solace in life. I touch the slender hand of growth and virility and witness the life within all that exists. Every aspect of the stream is a seduction to the knowledge of truth. And when in times of doubt I lose this perspective, it is delivered to me in abundance.
My heart is open and I immerse myself in pain to rid myself of it. But it drives me to open further, burning out those demons that crouch in the darkest corners of my soul. The more light that enters the more cleansed I become, and the more love can consume my shadows.
I am a vessel, a broken soul, imperfect and seeking atonement. I wish to rid myself of my humanity and find bliss not heartache. The suffering is not my wish but my path, to understand what lies beneath my crust, the core of me. Laced with doubts and fears long dismissed, they remain relentlessly within me, antagonising my life. I face them, talk to them, forgive them and atone for my mistakes, but they ride my life with straps of leather, intent on dragging out my reticence. Each cell is a containment of fear, a possibility of folly, and my cleansing cannot contest the will of life.
I am a pawn, a mere spec of the infinite, wallowing in the basest expression of life. I am burdened by thought, antagonised by knowledge and crucified for understanding. I am a singular orator of a soul, embedded in the stream of life, with a proclivity to grasp this mortal purpose. I am equipped as a naked man to climb Everest, yet I am at peace with it. I am human and for all my efforts I shall remain so.