Bigfoot? Knobby? What About Those Werewolves of North Carolina? Ah-Ooh!
I read with interest an article regarding a sighting of a bigfoot in Western North Carolina. Of course, this comes as no surprise to anyone familiar with the more remote parts of the state as we all know these areas are full of all sorts of supposedly mythical creatures like bigfoots (or would that be bigfeet?), unicorns, leprechauns and black squirrels. Then, of course, there are those most heinous of all legendary creatures... the werewolf!
Recently, while wandering aimlessly through the semi-wooded area on my friend's property (I am sure rose bushes count), I had a frighteningly close encounter with one of these not-so-nocturnal creatures. And it wasn't just any werewolf, either. It was the extra-scary four-toed werewolf unique to Eastern North Carolina. Unfortunately, I was not able to get video of the creature because... well, because I can never remember how to switch my camera over to video mode. But I did get a couple of blurry snapshots of the terrifying beast.
Just as the bigfoot out in the western part of the state growled and snarled at the unfortunate traveler who crossed his path, so did this vile creature menacingly threaten me. Well, maybe threaten is too strong of a word. It wasn't so much growling and snarling as it was begging and pleading. It was... well, let me just give you a bit of the conversation I had with the terrifying critter...
WEREWOLF: Grrr! Look out! I'm a vicious werewolf!
ME (sarcastically): Oh my heavens! However will I escape?
WEREWOLF: Do you taste like pizza?
ME: Pizza? Uh, I certainly hope not.
WEREWOLF (sniffing): You kind of smell like pizza.
ME: That's my aftershave.
WEREWOLF: Grrr! Get me pizza now or I'll eat your brain!
ME: Um... that's zombies, not werewolves.
WEREWOLF: Oh yeah. What do werewolves eat? I mean besides pizza.
ME: I'm not quite sure. I'm thinking spleens maybe?
WEREWOLF: Spleens? You're pulling my leg.
ME: Yeah. The four-toed one.
WEREWOLF: Very funny. Really, what do werewolves eat? Cheese? I bet they eat lots and lots of cheese.
ME: No cheese. They're meat eaters. Probably anchovies. Or maybe livers.
WEREWOLF: Anchovies? Livers?!? YUCK! I hate livers. Give me bacon! Grrr! Bacon now or I'll suck your blood!
ME: That's vampires.
WEREWOLF: Don't be ridiculous. Vampires don't eat bacon.
ME: No, I mean vampires suck blood.
WEREWOLF: Really? So what do werewolves do?
ME: They howl at the moon and chase squirrels, I think.
WEREWOLF: I'm starting to think werewolves are kind of lame.
ME: Don't tell Team Jacob that.
WEREWOLF: Who is Jacob? Does he have the bacon?
ME: I think he just has the beefcake.
WEREWOLF: What's beefcake? Is that like meat loaf? It sounds yummy!
ME: Yeah, that's what Mommy says.
WEREWOLF: Sometimes you and Mommy are strange.
ME: We are? You're the one who thinks you are a werewolf!
WEREWOLF: I don't know about this howling at the moon and chasing squirrels crap.
ME: But that's what you actually do.
WEREWOLF: Screw this. I'm a zombie!
ME: Can I call you Fido?
WEREW... er, ZOMBIE: Huh? I mean... Uuuuuggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhh!
ZOMBIE: Oooooooooooooooooooggggggggg! Baaaaaaaaaaacon!
ME: You mean... braaaaaaaaaains!
ZOMBIE: Hey, let's not get carried away!
ME: Hey look! Squirrel!
And with that, the werewol... um, I mean zombie, runs off into the wilderness chasing a squirrel leaving my bacon and my brain safe for the time being. So remember, if you are traveling through the great state of North Carolina, keep a wary eye out. You never know what you might come across! And for Pete's sake, be sure you know how to get your blasted camera into video mode!
If you would like more information on how the Ferocious Four-Toed Werewolf of North Carolina came to only have four toes, you can find out a little more about it by clicking here (but it is something she does not really like to talk about so don't get your hopes up for lots of gory details).
What do you think of my werewolf evidence?
© 2011 George Stephens