ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel

Blocked.

Updated on June 1, 2015

I can't write.
No matter what I do, no matter how hard I try, I just can't write.
I've tried typing, I've tried writing by hand, I've even tried recording my voice, I search for the words and they're nowhere to be found.
Once upon a time, I couldn't articulate my thoughts. I couldn't relay my feelings.
I was locked in a dark room with all the words and I had no idea how to use them.
Then I discovered writing.
And the world opened up before me in a flash of blinding beauty.
The thick, rich forests of the world stunned me with their greens, the endless blues of the infinite oceans left me speechless. Cities rose and fell in the blink of an eye and I had the whole world in the palm of my hand.
All the thoughts I had, be they hopes, fears, or the most vivid of dreams, were instantly available.
And all I had to do was write.
Writing gave me the voice I so desperately needed.
Writing gave me hope.
Throughout the years, my relationship with writing blossomed into something beautiful.
Through writing, I was able to create life.
I was able to take daydreams and turn them into stories. I was able to watch my feelings and my thoughts wage war on the paper.
Writing helped me connect with other people as well.
I was able to meld words with sweet melodies to create music.
With the most splendid synonyms, I was able to create poetic paintings with my words.
My words were my super power.
When I needed them to, my words could flow like honey or burn like fire. They could conceal the truth or illuminate it.
Whenever I had need, I had words.

And now they're gone.
Now, I stare blankly at a pale white screen as the blinking cursor taunts me.
My wrist aches as I frustratingly twirl a useless pencil.
Ambient silence flows through my speaker as I take a deep breath but can't find the words.
I walk into the fortress of my mind and am greeted by silence.
Drinking halls lay empty and silent.
Bedrooms remain well-kept and unused.
Where I would once lay and play God, there was a shadow of a dream.
The rubble of broken empires, the exasperated sighs of star-crossed lovers, even a young boy on a hill, are all silent.
It's not my fault.
Though I suppose nobody ever said it was.
Sometimes the seas are just too choppy to sail.
Sometimes the skies are just too turbulent to fly.
Sometimes the storms rage too hard for too long and you can't go outside.
Sometimes things are out of your control and you just have to accept it.

And yet I can't.
I find no solace in submission. I find no absolution in allowing myself to admit I'm not responsible.
I can solve the puzzle, but I'm watching at home on my couch.
I can win the game, but I'm buried on the sideline.
I am a spectator in my own life, and while all the pieces fall into place around me, I get the sense that it isn't my puzzle.
As my portrait approaches completion, I don't recognize the face in the acrylic mirror.
And now, when I need my words the most, when I reach for my greatest gift, it's gone.
I turn the key in the ignition and the car doesn't start.
I go to pull Excalibur from the stone and it doesn't budge.
I gasp for air and my voice is gone.
I'm back in the room where it all started.
It's blacker than the darkest night, and the silence is deafening.

Comments

    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    • Ryan Daniel Smith profile imageAUTHOR

      Ryan Smith 

      3 years ago

      Still working through it, but... that's the best way to GET through it!

    • bizarrett81 profile image

      bizarrett81 

      3 years ago from Maine

      Wow. I literally was in this place for a few years, until just a few months ago. It was hell. This perfectly captures that feeling. Voted up!

    working

    This website uses cookies

    As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, hubpages.com uses cookies (and other similar technologies) and may collect, process, and share personal data. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.

    For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at: https://hubpages.com/privacy-policy#gdpr

    Show Details
    Necessary
    HubPages Device IDThis is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons.
    LoginThis is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service.
    Google RecaptchaThis is used to prevent bots and spam. (Privacy Policy)
    AkismetThis is used to detect comment spam. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide data on traffic to our website, all personally identifyable data is anonymized. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Traffic PixelThis is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized.
    Amazon Web ServicesThis is a cloud services platform that we used to host our service. (Privacy Policy)
    CloudflareThis is a cloud CDN service that we use to efficiently deliver files required for our service to operate such as javascript, cascading style sheets, images, and videos. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Hosted LibrariesJavascript software libraries such as jQuery are loaded at endpoints on the googleapis.com or gstatic.com domains, for performance and efficiency reasons. (Privacy Policy)
    Features
    Google Custom SearchThis is feature allows you to search the site. (Privacy Policy)
    Google MapsSome articles have Google Maps embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    Google ChartsThis is used to display charts and graphs on articles and the author center. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSense Host APIThis service allows you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can earn money from ads on your articles. No data is shared unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Google YouTubeSome articles have YouTube videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    VimeoSome articles have Vimeo videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    PaypalThis is used for a registered author who enrolls in the HubPages Earnings program and requests to be paid via PayPal. No data is shared with Paypal unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook LoginYou can use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to your Hubpages account. No data is shared with Facebook unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    MavenThis supports the Maven widget and search functionality. (Privacy Policy)
    Marketing
    Google AdSenseThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Google DoubleClickGoogle provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Index ExchangeThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    SovrnThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook AdsThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Unified Ad MarketplaceThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    AppNexusThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    OpenxThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Rubicon ProjectThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    TripleLiftThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Say MediaWe partner with Say Media to deliver ad campaigns on our sites. (Privacy Policy)
    Remarketing PixelsWe may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites.
    Conversion Tracking PixelsWe may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service.
    Statistics
    Author Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy)
    ComscoreComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Tracking PixelSome articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy)