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Breaking News: Author Wodke Hawkinson Admits to Damning Allegations
Investigative journalist, Ima Lyer, here with another in-depth exposé. I managed to track down author, Wodke Hawkinson, yesterday outside the Suds N Buds, a combination laundry supply store and pen pal service. Sneaking out with a sack in his hand, he was unprepared for an on-the-spot interview.
Me: Mr. Hawkinson, reporter Ima Lyer here. I’d like to ask you a few questions about your book.
Wodke (stopping): Sure. It’s called Catch Her in the Rye and it’s a collection of short stories…
Me (interrupting): Not that book. I’m talking about the book Tangerine.
Wodke: That one hasn’t been released yet. How did you…
Me: I obtained an early pre-release copy and read it from cover to cover. At least I do my homework before writing something. Do you know there are serious allegations that the material in your book is completely false?
Wodke: False? Well, novels generally….
Me: Are you trying to avoid the subject of Tangerine?
Wodke: Well, no, I just thought….
Me: I’ll do the thinking around here. Now, this book of yours contains many references to space travel. What qualifies you to write about this subject? Have you ever been in space?
Wodke: No, but…
Me: Just as I thought! Not only is Tangerine implausible, but I allege that the events in the book are totally bogus. Do you deny it?
Wodke: It’s a fiction book.
Me: My point exactly. Now, let’s get into some specifics. Have you ever seen a feline-type alien?
Wodke: No, but…
Me: And where exactly in the universe is the planet Tangerine? Can you point it out to me on a map?
Wodke: Of course not. You see…
Me: And the so-called device in the book! Do you own such a device? If so, where did you get it? How many times have you traveled back in time?
Wodke: Well, never, but I…
Me: And, suppose I wanted to visit the many shops on Moon City and buy some of the outlandish items you mentioned in your book? Could I do it?
Wodke (head shaking): Well, that’s impossible…
Me: It’s impossible because Moon City doesn’t exist! Does it?
Wodke: No, not really. It’s…
Me: There you have it. Author Wodke Hawkinson admits the book Tangerine is nothing but deception.
Wodke: It’s a fiction book. If you’ll just let me explain…
Me: I don’t think an explanation is necessary. Your deceit has been exposed. And by the way, what’s in that sack you’re carrying?
Wodke (backing away): I don’t think that’s any…
Me: Considering the store you just exited, I would guess it’s either laundry soap or a list of people you can correspond with. Are you planning to write letters containing more lies? Will you spread your dishonesty over the entire globe? Have you no shame?
Wodke: Um, I’m going to my car now.
Me (raising my voice): Can’t take the heat, can you? Can’t hold up under scrutiny? You writers are all alike!
The interview concluded at this point as I was wearing heels and could not keep up with the author, who obviously wanted to avoid further interrogation. More on this story as it develops.