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"Breathing, but not beating"

Updated on August 13, 2016

Your eyes shutter open to the pain in your ears of scraping glass coming from the next room. Is it a tree branch becoming too long? Is it a cat requesting refuge from the coldness of the morning chill? You hold your head in an attempt to relieve the sharp pitch from your skull, but it's no good. You rock yourself out of bed to investigate the noise that now angers and annoys you. You continue to hear the noise louder now as you walk down the hallway from your comfortable bed, but it's no longer a single scratching; multiple scrapes emanate from the living room in different directions.
You cautiously peek around the corner passed your couch and catch a glimpse of a human figure clawing at your window, but it's just a silhouette because of the still rising sun blurring your vision. Upon closer investigation, you see what you've only seen in movies and your favorite show. Blood drips out of the craving maw of an undead man and you slowly back away from your window only to have your vision averted to another window where a second and third Walker stands growling and clawing at the window leading into your backyard. The Walking Dead is becoming a reality; now what do you do?
First things first, you have to get out of your home and in order to do that you have to burst passed the zombies that bar your way. To buy yourself more time, block the windows with whatever you can: overturned coffee table, bookcase, or a couch flipped on it's side. Now, grab your survival bag that you've packed for just this type of scenario. If you haven't packed one yet do it now and it should include the following: a sturdy all purpose knife, canned foods (they last the longest and double as a blunt object), a can opener, lots of spare socks, various medical supplies (peroxide, bandage wraps, etc.), and your scarf or face-mask. Why a face-mask, you ask? Well, what they don't really touch on in the movies is blood splatter. What if you split a zombie's skull open with your trusty hatchet and it's diseased blood flies into your mouth or eyes? Your now infected, my undead friend; protect your holes. After all you don't know if this is airborne or passed through blood and bodily fluids.
Now, run into your kitchen and have what could be your last taste of perishable foods to fill up your energy; protein is your best friend. While your in there you might as well grab whatever weapons available, but stay away from short edge weapons; they require you to get closer than you want to be. My advice would be to grab the broom or mop and break it over the counter turning it into a spear. I hope your a spicy eater because your going to need some hot sauce for what I call poor-man’s pepper spray; just because they're zombies doesn't mean they don't have sensitive retinas like you and I. Take a spray bottle, if you don’t have one just grab the Windex, and pour in your hot sauce and whatever other acidic product you have in the kitchen: lemon extract, vinegar, etc. No cleaning products, the wrong combination could blow you up, and don't forget to set your sprayer to stream; a light mist wont do a thing. Before you leave the kitchen grab a few bottles of liquor for Molotov cocktails or celebratory drinks later.
Your next stop is the lavatory, a true pantheon of artillery that we place upon our body every single day. No matter who you are and what your status is, it's more than likely that you have some type of aerosol whether it be hairspray, air freshener, or spray-on deodorant. Pair this with a lighter and you have yourself a homemade blow torch for melting undead flesh. While in the restroom, you may want to grab a towel rod or even the mirrored door off of the medicine cabinet; the shiny glass door does wonders for a walkers ugly mug staring back at you and it's added gratification when the last thing it sees is it's own snarling face.
Lastly, grab whatever necessities you need such as baby supplies if you'll be fleeing with a small child and a pillow case. Fill the pillow case with a few heavy items that don't have sharp edges: billiard balls, apples, large candles, etc. Tie a knot at the end of the pillow case and you have a medieval mace; swing it hard enough and it's enough to cause blunt force trauma on your assailant. Now, you can escape your once beloved home that has now become a potential tomb of decayed flesh and rotting teeth stained with the blood of your neighbors.
Your exit route would be the door, but pick a door with the least amount of walkers waiting for you and don't panic. If only one or two are waiting outside the door you can simply open the door and wait for them to peek their heads in, then just slam it shut. If there are a lot of them at all doors, you can pull the old switcheroo; open one door, lead them into the house, and then double back out the door they came through. Grab lighter fluid from your grill as it will be of great value. Run your legs off since you don't know if they've lost the ability to run and get to the car; the probability of a zombie apocalypse is the reason I don't lock my car when I'm home.
Get in your car, after you check the backseat of course, turn your key and floor it taking note of your surroundings in case of a zombie variable. Buckle your safety belt, you never know when you'll have to crash in order to save a life. What's your destination? Preferably something with a viable food source and no windows. Most people would say Walmart, but Walmart has gigantic panel windows along the front of the store; Walmart is only a wise idea if you live in the Midwest where Walmarts are still allowed to carry firearms. East or west coasters should opt for a warehouse store such as Costco or Sam's club; no windows and large steel doors.
​ Zombies are not the only “living” thing you should be watching out for mind you; humans tend to go insane when faced with a catastrophic event. Trust no one but your own, this cannot be stressed enough. If someone seems to be going crazy and threatening you within moments of meeting them, get away as quickly as possible; they'll only get worse. Good luck out there and keep those hearts beating.


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