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Persha, The Mail Order Bride

Updated on June 28, 2015
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Demas is a professional author and freelancer. He published and edited two newspapers. His most recent book is HAIKU AMERICAN STYLE.

The dare....

Butch had lived a solitary life out in the woods of Canada, and except for rare jaunts into town for supplies, he was pretty much on his own, isolated and listening to himself whistle.

On one of those jaunts he met an acquaintance and they got to drinking, and that led to his problem.

Now isolation for an occasional religious retreat was one thing, but isolation for a sane man with no real love of doing everything for himself? Well that was another thing, and Butch was getting tired of being tired all by himself with nobody to complain to.

One whiskey led to another, and one thing led to another, and the first thing Butch realized was that he had signed up for a mail order bride from Tunestan.

The Day....

Putting on his best L. L. Bean™ mail order shirt, and bear greasing his Bass™ boots, Butch met the interstate bus at the bus terminal as the first snowflakes of fall fell, and waited for his lovely bride to step off the bus.

There were the typical farmhands back home from the fields for their winter's rest, grandmothers coming to see their grandkids, college kids home for the holidays, a whole bus load of school kids back from a field trip, and then Persha stepped off last.

It had to be her. It had to be a mistake. A colossal mistake to Butch's way of thinking!

Persha looked around with a growl of a smile, and fixed her good eye on Butch.

Butch stared dumbfounded back with a speechless gasp that sounded too loud even to him.

The mail order bride, his mail order bride, grabbed the two remaining, bulging suitcases from the bottom of the bus, and one in each ham-hock of a hand bore down on him like a nightmare that wouldn't stop.

He was cornered and doomed. Oh, for the solitary life he was surrendering!

The marriage permit and paperwork he had struggled to arrange in eager anticipation, was now like the death sentence document a court gives the condemned.

Persha was just plain, threateningly ugly!

She was the epitome of what Butch imagined a domineering mamushka would look like, and then some.

Butch needed a drink of whiskey....no, a bottle of whiskey.... to drown the future sorrows he could already see.

Dutifully, he took one of the suitcases and Persha followed with the remaining one and into the bar that had been headquarters central for the whole fiasco.

Persha hardly spoke a word, but by the fourth whiskey she became glib and blurted out the sweetest words Butch had ever heard.

"I refuse to marry you, Tiger Man!"

"You are just too ugly!"

"I'm here, but you had better leave before I throw up!"

The Day After....

The RCMP Mountie showed up at Butch's cabin the next day, sat down on the only other rocker inside (one that wouldn't have fit Persha) and asked: "Close call?"

"Too close!"

"Are you going to try again?"

"Does a man saved by luck from a grizzly go wandering in the woods the day after?"

"Thought so." said the Mountie.

"Not me," said Butch with a recollecting sigh. "The only thing worse than Persha, was the two-day hangover I had from celebrating after I flattened the guy that talked me into a mail order bride from Tunestan."

"That's what I stopped by to talk to you about," said the Mountie. "He said he wouldn't press charges, if you would let him arrange another mail order bride for you. What do you say to that?"

What Butch said in reply is not something the New York Times would print.

Nature's Solitude....

There is something to be said for solitude after all.
There is something to be said for solitude after all. | Source

____________

© 2015 Demas W. Jasper All rights reserved.

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    • Perspycacious profile image
      Author

      Demas W Jasper 2 years ago from Today's America and The World Beyond

      Say Yes To Life - Honestly? Honest Abe may have chosen the time of that introduction to leave and give someone the change they deserved, himself included!

    • Say Yes To Life profile image

      Yoleen Lucas 2 years ago from Big Island of Hawaii

      I LOVE IT!!! LOL!!!

      I understand President Abraham Lincoln had a similar experience...

    • Perspycacious profile image
      Author

      Demas W Jasper 2 years ago from Today's America and The World Beyond

      What counts certainly includes temperament, and only the very best photos even come close to capturing that! (Perhaps the one of Churchill when the photographer reached over and snatched away his cigar! Or the one of the Frenchman crying as the German soldiers marched past in an occupied Paris.)

    • Perspycacious profile image
      Author

      Demas W Jasper 2 years ago from Today's America and The World Beyond

      aviannovice - Yes, but remember that looks can be deceiving.

    • aviannovice profile image

      Deb Hirt 2 years ago from Stillwater, OK

      That was pretty scary all right. That's what pictures are for, eh?

    • Perspycacious profile image
      Author

      Demas W Jasper 2 years ago from Today's America and The World Beyond

      Notice the new "About the Author" box at the right, top of this Hub! What a nice feature!

    • Perspycacious profile image
      Author

      Demas W Jasper 2 years ago from Today's America and The World Beyond

      BlossomSB - Good morning down under! I'm glad you enjoyed this one. iI just opened a Kickstarter project to get my book funded to cut the price and make it more reasonably available. including perhaps as an ebook. I will have to check the shipping cost to see whether or not I can include a reward for Australia. ; -)

    • BlossomSB profile image

      Bronwen Scott-Branagan 2 years ago from Victoria, Australia

      What a good funny story! Well written!

    • Perspycacious profile image
      Author

      Demas W Jasper 2 years ago from Today's America and The World Beyond

      Dana Tate - Butch and Persha both learned that "seeing is believing"!

    • Dana Tate profile image

      Dana Tate 2 years ago from LOS ANGELES

      Very funny! Butch learned the hard way "what you see, is not always what you get".

    • Perspycacious profile image
      Author

      Demas W Jasper 2 years ago from Today's America and The World Beyond

      Jodah - Probably not with his black eye and bloody nose, but perhaps Persha had a hidden motherly instinct for wounded animals?

    • Jodah profile image

      John Hansen 2 years ago from Queensland Australia

      Love this Demas...very funny. I can imagine it happening though, the mail order beauties (now email/Internet) all look like models..but I'm sure that isn't the case in real life. Close call for Butch..I was just hoping Persha found herself attracted to the guy who set him up.

    • Perspycacious profile image
      Author

      Demas W Jasper 2 years ago from Today's America and The World Beyond

      40 minutes of fun. I hope you enjoyed this.