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COFFEE WITH AN ALIEN
A Waste Of "Space"
Interior: Coffee Shop. Hollywood
(Guy in coffee shop is talking to someone across from him who you don't see.)
GUY: You see, you have nothing to worry about. You are going to live forever, unless you "crash" or something. You don't have to think about career, how much money you make, retirement funds, family, houses, flashy cars. As soon as you get ill, you ZAPP yourself and "voila!" You get better just like that.
(A strange voice is heard, but sounds robotic and hypnotic in a sort of "foreign tone.")
ALIEN: I don't understand.
GUY: Well, you see on earth, there are certain things you have to do. You have to make loads of money so you can live, eat and get chicks. It's the "Hollywood Evolution" of all time! If I want a better job, I need a better car. I also have to live in a nice place like Malibu or something.
ALIEN: What is Malibu?
GUY: It's this place where everyone lives, like a glowing planet in the sky. Groovy entertainment and hippy people with money. People who believe in Greenpeace and live on the beach every single day. Everyone drives a nice car and no one gets shot. There are people in line for blended mocha's and they go all the way out the door. You can't even get one unless you live there and the parking on the weekends is a nightmare.
ALIEN: Sounds interesting. Where do I get one of these "Mocha's?"
CUT TO: Trendy Coffee shop
(sound of alien sipping mocha with a big slurp)
ALIEN: Interesting. Is this Malibu?
GUY: No, this is Hollywood. They have mocha's here too, but you don't meet rich people here at THESE coffee shops. Only people who want to meet rich people. You are so lucky. You never have to think of any of this. You can just be yourself and then zoom off to another planet just like that.
ALIEN: What do you want to be?
GUY: Harrison Ford, Kevin Spacey or anyone on the Discovery Channel. I'd like to take that Alligator guys place. They all have this awesome attitude about life. Even Kevin Spacey donates money to good causes and Harrison Ford saves people in his own plane.
ALIEN: Why can't you do that?
GUY: I'm not rich. Plus I don't have a plane.
ALIEN: I can get you one. Do you know how to drive it?
GUY: Yea. I get it. Put the guy in the plane and then shoot him down from Mars or some distant galaxy. Very funny.
ALIEN: No, just a regular plane. It would be nice if you helped someone.
GUY: Man, I don't have time for that! I have to get rich, get a nice car, a babe and move to Malibu.
ALIEN: What if you die tomorrow? I can make that happen for you.
(a strange noise is heard)
GUY: What the hell are you doing?
ALIEN: I'm going to kill you and put you out of your misery. This way you will no longer feel pain anymore. You can be free.
GUY: Wait a minute! I don't want to die. I have too much to do!
ALIEN: But...you don't want to help people, you can't afford to live in Malibu and the mocha lines are too out of control.
GUY: Yea, but I'm not famous yet! Oh, this is crazy! Why did I talk to you in the first place? You had a flashy car and I thought you were a producer, not an alien! You are just like everyone else on this planet. Always pretending you are someone else and squashing the little people. Even your business card said "Producer."
ALIEN: Just like you? You are a waste to society. Always complaining and hanging out at coffee shops. Because of you, I have to always wait in line. You never buy anything and you take up the same chair on the patio every day. Atleast some people "do something" on the Discovery Channel. They just don't take up space, they save wildlife. Harrison Ford also helps people. I don't even think he lives in Malibu. Kevin Spacey makes films and he loves Jack Lemmon. I love Jack Lemmon....rest his soul. Tell me Brad. Do you have a job?
GUY: Well, not right now.
ALIEN: Well, why not?
GUY: I don't know what I want to do. Plus I won't be able to go on auditions during the day.
ALIEN: So get a job, or donate some time to help people instead of complaining about your life. Did you know elderly people feel really lonely? A lot of them have no family and they are stuck in horrible places. Even their own families never visit them. They are too busy driving flashy cars and paying more then $3.00 on coffee drinks. Did you know if you invested this money in a mutual fund, you would have lots of savings years from now?
GUY: What are you talking about? You aren't even from this world! You are an alien and you don't even live here! I'm sick and tired of people, I mean "creatures" coming around and trying to tell humans what they should be doing. Where the hell do you live...PLUTO?!
ALIEN: No, I live in Malibu. Do you have any last words before I ZAPP you and you die?
GUY: Yea! GO TO HELL!
(Zapp, AHHHHHHHH!!! Guy vanishes and disappears)
CUT TO: Another Coffee Shop in Malibu
Two hands grab coffee drinks and laugh.
ALIEN: So I ZAPPED him and sent him on a ship to Gytron.
ALIEN #2: So, what happens there?
ALIEN: Absolutely nothing. It is full of "out of work" actors and crazy people who always "complain." Brad will have plenty of friends now. He will have to appreciate the simple things like "Bingo."
ALIEN #2: One less "waste of space." He never asked you what you do? He would have been surprised to see that you saved your pennies for thousands of years. One penny a day for a very long time. So, where shall we go today?
ALIEN: How about Beverly Hills?
(Lots of laughter as we fade to black.)