Canadian Jokes - Funny Jokes
How to Speak Like a Canadian - 21 Funny Canada Slang Words and Phrases
You know you're from Canada when
- You only know three spices: salt, pepper and ketchup.
- You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
- The mosquitoes have landing lights.
- You have more kilo metres on your snow blower than your car.
- You have 10 favorite recipes for moose meat.
- Canadian Tire on any Saturday is busier than the toy stores at Christmas.
- You live in a house that has no front step, yet the door is one metre above ground.
- You've taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard.
- Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled in with snow.
- You think sexy lingerie is tube-socks and a flannel nightie with only 8 buttons.
- You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car.
- The local paper covers national and international headlines on 2 pages, but requires 6 pages for hockey.
- At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant.
- The most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun.
- Your snow blower gets stuck on the roof.
- You think the start of deer season is a national holiday.
- You head south to go to your cottage.
- You frequently clean grease off your barbecue so the bears won't prowl on your deck.
- You know which leaves make good toilet paper.
- The major parish fund-raiser isn't bingo it's sausage making.
- You find -40C a little chilly.
- The trunk of your car doubles as a deep freeze.
- You attend a formal event in your best clothes, your finest jewelry and your Sorrels.
- You can play road hockey on skates.
- You know 4 seasons: Winter, Still Winter, Almost Winter, and Construction.
- The municipality buys a Zamboni before a bus.
- You understand the Labatt Blue commercials.
- You perk up when you hear the theme from "Hockey Night in Canada".
You actually get these jokes and forward them to all your Canadian friends
I LOVE PEOPLE & CULTURES, THEREFORE THIS HUB IS JUST FOR FUN. NOTHING SERIOUS JUST FUNNY, SO HAVE FUN.
What it means to be a Canadian?
A Canadian is a fellow wearing English tweeds, a Hong Kong shirt and Spanish shoes, who sips Brazilian coffee sweetened with Philippine sugar from a Bavarian cup while nibbling Swiss cheese, sitting at a Danish desk over a Persian rug, after coming home in a German car from an Italian movie...
Then writes to his Member of Parliament with a Japanese ballpoint pen on French paper, demanding that he do something about foreigners taking away our Canadian jobs.
O Canada at San Francisco Global reddit Meetup Day!
President Bill Clinton called Jean Chretien with a pressing emergency:
"Our largest condom factory has exploded!" the American
President cried, "My people's favorite form of birth
control! This is a true disaster!" "Bill, da Canajian
pipple would be 'appy to do anyt'ing wit'in der power to 'elp
you," replied the Prime Minister. "I do need your
help," said Clinton. "Could you possibly send us 1,000,000
condoms ASAP to tide us over?"
"Certainement! I will get on hit right haway." said Jean.
"Oh, and one more small favor, please?" said President
"Could the condoms be red, white and blue, and at least
10" long and 4" in diameter?" asked Clinton.
"No prob'lem," replied the Prime Minister, and with that,
Chretien hung up and called the president of Trojan.
"I need a favor. You got to make 1,000,000 condoms right haway,
an sen'em to Hamerica."
"Consider it done," said the President of Trojan.
"Great! Now listen mon ami. Dey haf to be bleu, blanc 'n rouge
in color; hat least 10 hinches long, and 4 hinches in dia'
"That's easily done. Anything else?"
"Yes," said the Prime Minister, "a print on dem
MADE IN CANADA, size: MEDIUM."
A Genie In Toronto:
A man was strolling along the Beaches area in East Toronto when he
spotted a bottle floating in Lake Ontario. The bottle drifted ashore.
He picked up the bottle and opened it, and out popped a Genie.
"Master, Master you have released me from my bondage in this bottle, ask
any three wishes and I will grant them to you."
The man thought for a moment and said, "I would like the following three
things to happen this year -- The Toronto Maple Leafs win the Stanley
Cup, the Toronto Blue Jays win the World Series and The Toronto Raptors
win the NBA title."
The Genie thought about this for a moment and jumped back into the
A Canadian, a Jewish person and an American
A Jewish person, an American and a Canadian were riding in a car together and were involved in a very bad accident. The ambulance took them all to hospital together but they were just barely alive....as a matter of fact all three expired in the same operating room while doctors were working on them.
Suddenly the three of them appeared in the clouds at St. Peters Gate and as they approached, St. Peter gestured to the American and said, "If you give me fifty dollars I'll send you back....you are too young to be up here so soon."
The American whipped out fifty bucks and....poof! He jumped off the operating table in perfect conition! Not a scratch on him. The doctors were amazed and asked him how come?
He said that all he knew is that the three of them were "up there" with St. Peter and when St. Peter asked him for fifty bucks to send him back....he paid it and....poof! Here he was!
The doctors couldn't help but be amazed and asked him, "You say those other two were up there with you?" (They were on the next two operating tables in the room) The American said "Yes they were."
The doctors then asked him, "Well what about them? Are they coming back too? What were they doing when you left?"
The American said, "Well, all I can say is when I looked back at them just before I left the Jew was arguing about the price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay for his!"
Being a Canadian
COLD IS RELATIVE ....
The Temperature Conversion Guide (degrees are in Fahrenheit):
50 above - New Yorkers turn on the heat. Canadians plant gardens.
40 above - Californians shiver uncontrollably. Canadians sunbathe.
35 above - Italian cars won't start. Canadians drive with the windows down.
32 above - Distilled water freezes. Canadian water gets thicker.
20 above - Floridians wear coats, gloves & wool hats. Canadians throw on a t-shirt.
15 above - Californians begin to evacuate the state. Canadians go swimming.
Zero - New York landlords finally turn up the heat. Canadians have the last cook-out before it gets cold.
10 below - People in Miami cease to exist. Canadians lick flag poles.
20 below - Californians fly away to Mexico. Canadians throw on a light jacket.
40 below - Hollywood disintegrates. Canadians rent videos.
60 below - Mt. St. Helens freezes. Canadian Girl Scouts begin selling cookies door to door.
80 below - Polar bears begin to evacuate the Arctic. Canadian Boy Scouts postpone "Winter Survival" classes until it gets cold enough.
100 below - Santa Claus abandons the North Pole. Canadians pull down their ear flaps.
173 below - Ethyl alcohol freezes. Canadians get frustrated when they can't thaw their kegs.
297 below - Microbial life survives on dairy products. Canadian cows complain of farmers with cold hands.
460 below - ALL atomic motion stops. Canadians start saying"Cold'nuff for ya?"
500 below - Hell freezes over. The Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup
5% of Canadians don't know the first 7 words of the Canadian anthem, but know the first 9 of the American anthem.