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Charlie Sheen Quotes and Charlie Sheen Jokes

Updated on August 19, 2011

The Always-Quotable Charlie Sheen

Here are just a few of the memorable quotes accomplished actor Charlie Sheen has given us:

“Change your brain.”

“I’ve been a veteran of the unspeakable.”

“You should have read the directions before you showed up at the party.”

“He has no salt in his soul.”

“We’re Vatican assassins. How complicated can it be?”

“Faith is for winners. Hope is for losers.”

“There's a reason I've had mad success doing comedy.”

“I finally extracted myself from their troll hole.”

“Clearly I have defeated this earthworm with my words.”

“They tell you to lay down your sword. Really? Wow, dude's unarmed. WHACK.”

“I’m bi-winning. I win here, and I win there.”

"Well, I mean, first of all come Wednesday morning they're gonna rename it Charlie Bros. and not Warner Bros. Duh, winning! It's, like, guys, IMDB right there, 62 movies and a ton of success. I mean, c'mon bro, I won best picture at 20. I wasn't even trying. I wasn't even warm.”

“Sorry my life is so much more bitchin’ than yours. I planned it that way.”

“Winning. Everyday.”

“One of my favorite poets is Eminem.”

“It boils and it fuels you. It boils in a state that would eclipse a microwave.”

“Surprise. That’s what winners do.”

"I am on a drug. It's called Charlie Sheen."

"I hadn't taken any coke in a long time...like seven hours."

"He may be nails, but I'm frickin' bayonets...battle-tested bayonets!"

"Women are not to be hit. They're to be hugged and caressed ... She was attacking me, though, with a small fork... like a cocktail fork. And she had it with her. That was the weird part. What was she doing with like, a shrimp fork in her purse? She stole it, clearly. From a buffet."

"I mean, what's not to love? Especially when you see how I party man, it's epic. The run I was on made Sinatra, Flynn, Jagger, Richards, all of them, just look like droopy-eyed, armless children."

"I'm tired of pretending I'm not a total bitchin' rock star from Mars." 

Charlie Sheen Jokes

Q: How much coke did Charlie Sheen do? A: Enough to kill two and a half men.

I hope when I die Charlie Sheen's life flashes before my eyes.

If Charlie Sheen had a brand of polish, it would be called Charlie Sheen

"How about that Charlie Sheen? I mean, let’s face it – we’re pulling for Charlie. We want him to wake up and go, “Oh, it was just a dream.” Or, “Oh, I was just kidding.” But it doesn’t seem to be going that way. Now CBS has shut down “Two and a Half Men,” so I’m back to being CBS’s biggest paid embarrassment." - David Letterman 

"ABC is airing a one-hour special with Charlie Sheen on “20/20″ tomorrow. He would have done “Dateline,” but then he realized it didn’t involve dates or lines." - Jimmy Fallon

"Charlie Sheen’s publicist resigned today. I don’t know about you, but I can’t wait to see what Charlie’s like when he’s allowed to say whatever he wants." - Conan O'Brien 

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  • ldnpt profile image

    ldnpt 6 years ago from London

    Thanks for that I was looking for a compilation of the madness of Mr Sheen, cheers

  • crystolite profile image

    Emma 6 years ago from Houston TX

    Nice quotes in there which i really enjoyed,thanks for sharing this funny quotes.

  • I am DB Cooper profile image
    Author

    I am DB Cooper 6 years ago from Whereabouts unknown at this time

    @ Austinstar: Isn't he? He's going to be just fine. I think he's just doing this to get out of that awful TV show and to gain a lot of followers on Twitter. He can make more in one day doing some cheap endorsements on Twitter than I can in a year working 9-5. The stream of adult movie stars and blow may never end!

  • Austinstar profile image

    Austinstar 6 years ago from Somewhere in the universe

    Charlie is a player, you can't deny it. He's fun!

  • ChristopherMorgan profile image

    ChristopherMorgan 6 years ago

    He is quite the catch. Thanks for the Hub!

    Do you mind checking out my HubPage? I am new to HubPages.

    I followed you.

  • kingis profile image

    Patrick King 6 years ago from Springfield, IL

    DB, this hub is "winning"!!

  • moncrieff profile image

    moncrieff 6 years ago from New York, NY

    Charlie Sheen is a mess!!! Boycot "Two and Half Men". Lovely quotes.

  • Jeannieinabottle profile image

    Jeannie InABottle 6 years ago from Baltimore, MD

    Even though I am getting a little tired of Charlie Sheen, I did totally enjoy this. I was forced to vote it up!